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Kenneth Welling
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Born to Norwegian lizard tanners, I had a poor childhood. I would often write poetry on our tenement walls using ink made from dryer lint and chicken fat. Most nights, the snow would come in through our ceiling and erase everything, so I've forgotten most of these earlier poems.
At age five, both my parents died in a freak Komodo dragon accident, and I was forced to face existence in the Artic Circle alone. Fortunately, a family of wolverines taught me to hunt and I was able to keep writing poetry by peeing in the snow -- mostly haiku.
At the age of 15 I was captured by a band of vicious Canadian slave traders and forced to write romance novels, chained to a typewriter. My only company was a 4'5" Albanian prostitute who weighed 327 pounds. She taught me all I could ever want to know about love, but she died a few years later from the chicken pox.
At that time, I was desolate and could no longer write, so the slavers threw me onto an iceberg in the artic sea with a broken fishing pole and 5 starlight mints.
By happy chance, the iceberg floated to Greenland, where a North American tourist couple found and adopted me.
They brought me back to the States and chained me to a typewriter.
I live happily in their basement now, writing poetry, short fiction and pornographic software.
Am I alone in these fantasies
Of emergence, fully clothed
From a technician's mind?
Spun from a yarn of DNA,
From some centrifuge,
I loomed slowly upward,
in a viscous protein soup:
Bronze hair, titanium eyes
And casual street clothes.
KennethWelling's Genres: Poetry, Yodeling, Spasmotic Ardvarks
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