One of my favorite episodes of the Simpson's is the one
where Lisa went on a campaign to expose the truth about Jebediah
Springfield, who was not the hero everyone thought he was. While
she was giving her report in class, her teacher screamed at her,
called her a PC thug, and told her it was people like her that
kept women like her from finding a husband.
This sentiment is echoed by the authors of "The Rules," a
dating handbook by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Their book
comes form the perspective that women's liberation has led to
lousy relationships with men. As such, women should rely on old
dating tips (always let the man pay, men love a challenge, etc.)
in order to land a husband.
Women who follow "The Rules" are very much of the "Men Are
from Mars, Women Are from Venus" variety, people who think that
the sexes are so different that they may as well be from
different planets. I've never really understand the battle of the
sexes: I've known women who have acted more guy-ish than any guy
I know, which I thought was kind of cool. No they were not gay.
But I am, or as my friend Mike told my co-workers: "Matt
plays on the other side of the ballpark." And from my position on
the other side of the playing field, I have applied "The Rules"
to my own life to see if they could have possibly helped me find
a man:

Rule: Always let the man pay
This sounds good in theory, as it would have saved me money over
the years, at least if I was always the one letting the man pay.
But then that would be confusing because I'm a man too and my
companion would eventually want to know why I never paid.
I remember once my boyfriend and I went out to dinner and I
forgot my money. "Well, I can pay," he said, which was fine. So
by the time we got to the restaurant I was totally starving. They
told us it was going to be about a twenty minute wait.
"Harvey," I said (not his real name), "can we go sit at the
bar and get some fries or something? I'm so hungry."
"No," he said. "They don't serve food at the bar."
"But Harvey," I said, "I can see people eating up there.
Please, I"m so hungry!" I thought I might faint.
"No, we'll just wait for the table."
Now if I had had my money with me, you can believe I would
not have consulted Harvey before I marched myself up to bar and
ordered me some french fries.
Later in the evening, Harvey and I went to the video store
to rent a movie. "Harvey," I said. "Can we rent 101 Dalmatians? I
haven't seen it since I was little, and I love Cruella DeVille."
"No," he said. "I don't want to see it."
"But Harvey," I said, "the doggies are so cute, and I love
cartoons."
"No," he said, "we are not going to rent it."
As you can see, having no money reduced me to a whiny
beggar, while Harvey became an authoritative, rigid dictator. I
regret to inform you that my relationship with Harvey did not
last.

Rule: Don't talk to a man first, and don't ask him to dance
This rule sucks. If all the men followed this rule, then none of
us other men would ever get talked to, let alone asked to dance.
Once I was at a party, and this guy was there whose face I
recognized from Tuesday nights at C-Street (remember those?).
"OOh!" I said to my friend Courtney."There's that guy I'm in
love with!" That wasn't entirely true, but I said it anyway.
"You mean Buddy?" asked Courtney (not his real name).
"Mmm, hmmmm!" I said, and Courtney yanked me by the arm
across the party and introduced me.
Buddy and I talked for a while and eventually he asked me to
dance. We did, and then he asked me to sit down with him and
talk, which I did. Then he asked me to do some other things and
we left the party.
Had I never mentioned anything to Courtney, nothing may have
happened. Had Buddy never asked me to dance, we may have never
ended up having the fun little fling that we did. Had Courtney
been a "rules" girl, she would have not introduced me to Buddy,
but would have told me to play hard to get, which Buddy would
have taken as a sign of disinterest. Buddy also appears in the
next rule.

Rule: Never accept a Saturday date if he asks later than
Wednesday
When I was dating Buddy, the pickins were kind of slim. Buddy was
the only person I was seeing, and he didn't exactly call me that
often. One Saturday night, Buddy left a message on my machine,
and after I got home around one a.m. I called him.
"What're you doin'?" I asked.
"Nothin'," he said.
"Why don't you come over?" I asked.
"My car doesn't have any headlights." he said.
"Well, drive down John Street and go really slow," I
suggested.
"That's a one-way," he said.
"Well, go down Green Street and maybe all the lights from
the other cars and stores will hide the fact that you don't have
any." "I don't know, I guess I'll be over in a little while."
It's not exactly a fairly tale, I know, but had Buddy said
to me, "I'm sorry Matt, but I cannot accept your invitation as it
was offered later than Wednesday," I would have grown a little
annoyed.
Rule: Men love a challenge. When a woman pursues a man, a bell
goes off in his head. The challenge is over and his feelings
start to fade.
I can think of one scenario where this rule actually kind of
applied. I was dating this guy Dominic (not his real name) for a
while, and we eventually lost interest in each other, and stopped
calling each other. About two years later I saw him at a club in
Chicago. We reminisced, and then he started hittin' on me, which
was dangerous cause he's kind of a jerk.
"Matt," he crooned, "you're coming home with me tonight." He
smiled.
"Oh, no I am not, sir!" I replied.
"Yes, you are," he said, and blinked his beautiful eyes.
"Come on, kiss me."
"I will not kiss that mouth!" I yelled.
"Why not? Matt, I think there's still something there
between us. Why don't you come home with me?"
"Because you're a sleazeball and I hate you!" I screamed.
"Oh, come on, kiss me."
He pestered me for about two hours, and eventually I
acquiesced, and to get him off my case, told him I would go home
with him.
"See, I knew you wanted it," he said.
Needless to say, Dominic and I did not go home together that
evening. I don't know if that rule would've helped, though, I
think I should just stay away from sleazy guys named Domininc.

I'm always sort of suspicious of women who are suspicious of
women's liberation. I don't think people should move backwards
because they're having trouble adjusting to new things. I also
don't see how the women of today could possibly succeed in making
themselves into the old-fashioned "rules" girl of the past. But
decide for yourselves, ladies, all I can say is that from my
position on the other side of the ball park, the rules kind of
suck.

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