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Innocence
When you see the moon
Falling down from the sky
You know that soon
You'll be wondering why
But some things in this life
May have no reason
And some things in this life
may never change
You've got to learn
To see the everyday
Meanings
Even if they seem
kinda strange
Well, hey-diddle-diddle
Life is what you make it
The cat's with the fiddle
And it's kinda hard to fake it
Dishes eloping with silver spoons
Wish upon a star tonight
As the cow jumps over the moon
The sun sinking higher
As the moon is at its whole
Serves as a reminder
That the world is never dull
'Cause some things in this life
Might have a reason
And some things in this life
will always change
Too bad for you that nothing in
Your world has a meaning
Which is why I find you
Kinda strange
By counting little black sheep
Jumping over the fence
Nothing's really new
To me, life's been boring ever since
I've had to experience this life without you
But some things in this life
Have no reason
And some things in this life
Will never change
But everything here has a
Meaning
Even if it seems kinda strange
When you
See the moon
Falling down...
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I have to admit, I agree that this poem did feel a bit naive and adolescent, but that is perfectly fine seeing as how it was written by an adolescent, right? :)
I did enjoy this one, much better than I enjoy reading my own poems from my early teens. I encourage you to continue writing, and have fun doing so. My early poems were bashed by teachers and family alike when I was younger, but my writing style has matured over the years, and the reactions I get now are vastly different from the comments I got back in the day. Never give up. |
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Why should the rhyme pattern have to match the theme? Who the hell wrote that expression has to match the theme? Ah well, there will always be critics, and for God sake. You have the next oh... rest of your life... to master your medium.
Yeah. It's a little choppy, but I liked it. In fact, I liked it a lot. It impressed a little sadness upon me, because it isn't a typical angsty teenage poem--the style of writing is very much adolescent, but adolescent doesn't mean bad; it just means that your writing is still yet young.
Youth is amazing, my dear. Capable of feats the older ones, and yes the elderly too, are not capable. Faster footed, quick witted, and smarter every generation. You have forever to be the best at what you do, and never let someone who leaves a single line: "Rhyme doesn's match the theme very well" affect you, if it has.
It doesn't have to. It was your feelings; it was your thoughts; it was your style. Not everyone has to like it, but if they can't add a helpful tip on top of a crtique, then they don't belong in the forum.
Cruelty will not get anyone very far, but an ounce of kindness will take you to forever.
Good work, and keep working; keep writing; keep polishing your medium. In due time, you'll find success where success is due!
J. Edward Nolan |
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| you remind me of me when i was 14. except i wasnt in a band yet and no where near as ambitious. this is a sweet and wise poem, it makes me think that you're just learning about life even though you dont know exactly what yet. keep growing and stay happy! |
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| It's supposed to come from kind of a naive perspective; if I recall correctly, I didn't rhyme well, when I was younger. But thank you for your critique! |
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| Rhyme pattern doesn't match the theme very well. |
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