I don't want to touch you.

It would be so easy so
Arrogantly easy to call
You all back into my life,
Your flesh parade poised,
Quivering and trembling,
With that aching hunger
That feeds self esteem.
You the faces of that
90 Day Void
Where I drowned in orgasms,
Where every fuck fest
Ended with the feeling
Of a candle being snuffed out.
Orgasm and then darkness.
So easy to remind myself
That I honed my body
And my intensity
Into the image of who you
Wanted to be wanted by.

I don't want to touch you.

My cell phone buckling
Under the weight of
Text messages and voicemail
And what night am I free.
I don't want to feed that
Bleak lean hungry fear
Of being alone.

But the one real breath
That I have taken,
One long luxuriant inhale
Real and pregnant with meaning,
That one long ebony dream
All limbs and lips and fingertips -

She is not mine, not here.

I just have
Five martini madness,
A cigarette
Lean hungry fear.

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