Just as I was replying to an e-mail about my poem "daddy", I was thinking about my birth nan (daddy's mum) and how my father has been dead 18 years. The fact that I never acknowledge his death 'anniversary' to my nan (which coincidentally is my adoptive mums birthday- weird) and how my nan always used to go on and on at me and blame me for not loving him enough, choosing to call my adoptive dad, 'dad' and the fact that I don't really acknowledge my father.

Perhaps she is forgetting the fact that he abandoned me to shoot up and rob service stations?! Perhaps she is forgetting the fact that I was put into foster care at 6 months and have been with the same mum since?! I wasn't adopted until he died at 6, but fuck what would any kid do, that just wants a daddy and a mummy?

I rarely knew my father. I remember him from my visits to jail and when he was out for like 6 months before he died. I remember him leaving me with strangers who fed me two minute noodles and gave me tacky gold rings so he could go out and get a high, a fact which I of course, at 5 did not know. I also remember him and my nan screaming at each other and him raging out with me and me being terrified, sweet child hood memories, not really!

The thing is, my grandfather (daddy's father) who is an abusive alcoholic who separated from my nan in the 70's has spent his entire life blaming everyone else for his problems, everyone else for his son 'O.D.ing'� and making me responsible for the fact my parents were smack addicts and I was adopted out. My entire teenage years he done nothing but run down my adoptive family and tell me I should choose to live with him and he would take us to all these wonderful places and if I didn't change my surname to his, I would miss out on his fortune. He's a fucking pensioner!

Furthermore, the second woman after my Nan gave him a child, when he was like 50 or something like that! The little girl is now 13 and has been screwing since 10 and smoking bongs since then as well, at the ripe age of 12 had an abortion. By the time she was 11 she was addicted to weed and I find out a few months ago she has been dealing weed and speed, or 'base' as she so lovingly calls it. Although she says she rarely touches speed, I know she's fucking lying! You see the thing is this girl is my twin soul and I love her more than anyone, yes anyone, in this entire world.
For about 3 years straight, when I was bout 16 until 19 when I moved interstate, we would hang out weekends, weekdays and always talk on the phone. Now it's like she had already chosen to live a shit life!

When I came back from interstate and lived with her and her psycho dad (my grandfather) he tried to push me off the balcony and thus begun another ordeal- foster care! She was placed into my care for 2 weeks. When I realised it was too hard, I handed the responsibility over to family services (royal fuckwits) and they placed her in foster care. That was going well and her life was getting on track, except for the fact she was getting stoned every day at school, in year 7, first year of high school. And than that foster mum has family crisis and so the saga began, put through a few foster homes and than returned to her now 'rehabilitated' father, because he had done an anger management course, which supposedly cured him, what about the alcoholism? She goes missing for like two months and is living with an 18 year old doing shit loads of drugs and having loads of sex (at 12!!) and than is officially declared a missing person. Someone tips off family services and than they bust in and get her, at which point I receive a phone call at work and go and pick up a very fucked up sister to live with me for two to three months of hell in which she lies to me massively, breaks my heart, almost causes me to breakdown completely and is an absolute horrific bitch to me. Not that I handle it that well. And I yell at her, scream at her and am completely unable to control her, because by this time she is way more off the rails than I ever realised was possible for this beautiful being.

That's the sad part she is so incredibly beautiful, talented, loving, intelligent etc and she is just throwing it all away. She even said to me: "I should care about fixing my life, but I don't" that's just fabulous! I tried so hard for like a year and a half to help her get away from her abusive and suppressive fuck of a father but yet her love and loyalty to him was just too strong. I fought tooth and fucking nail for a year and a half with family services to be able to see my sister more than 4 hours a week and when I finally got her, because they were desperate- it was too fucking late! Mind you when I had my shot the first time, I wasn't ready. Would I ever of been ready and am I actually responsible as a 21 year old to have to care for her? I love her so much, but how can an inexperienced 21-year-old with only love and financial support to give, look after and extremely screwed 13 year old. Foolish me! I believed it would be enough, but it wasn't, it truly wasn't. And I love that little girl so much, but in ways she is already older than me, what's that? What is that?
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