The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world. Learn how other writers are doing it. |
|
 |
 |
 |
| |
awake
My solemn Echo of warmth is still and silent,
Your sorry as always doesn't change it.
My locked heartbeat keeps colors clasped and bright
For those far and few days you lend me happiness.
As your snow paints death under my whispered wishes,
My frozen shattered streams of snowflakes,
Break the pace of this world.
As the people I love only get cut,
Only trying to wipe them away.
In your reflection of perfection I am trapped,
Never to be good enough as I am.
Timeless, the trees no longer turn, The sun hidden in curtains
You keep estranged and encased away
As a Sun Globe you keep to yourself.
All is misplaced in your nightmare-land.
Stopping every beginning I beg for
And time is mythical,
Everything is always the same with you.
Locked outside of control.
I'm weak, can't resist,
All is cracking and leaking, Ready to spill away
Past your walls of white.
Only to melt when I wake, To see you will always keep me freezing.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: Khema - 2006-04-01 10:27
|
|
the images of the beauty in nature vs the beauty of your disappointments drew me in. very well done.
my only criticism would be the ending could use a little punch. i would suggest switching the last two sentences to make two separate lines:
Locked outside of control.
Iā??m weak, canā??t resist,
All is cracking and leaking, Ready to spill away
Past your walls of white.
To see you will always keep me freezing
Only to melt when I wake
let's see some more! K~ |
|
|
Hi Briana, your poem was nice. The only thing I would suggest is maybe change nightmare-land somehow it breaks the rhythm or the cadence but that's me only. Also I probably would have changed the last stanza to somehting like this:
All is cracking and leaking
Past your walls of white
you kept me frozen
I think that shortening the words give it more depth. Anyway, enough of my rumblings. Just thought I'd give you my feedback.
Thanks for your comment. keep writing. |
|
|
| very nice work! i enjoyed reading it! |
|
|
| I love how you use the motif of the winter and snow (did the smae thing myself in fact). I really captures that feeling of desolation. I almost image the speaker in the poem trapped in a snow globe. It is a happy little reality, nothing changes, perfection. Yet, in the end it is only plastic and rice, nothing is as it seems. There is no such thing as perfection. You capture this point beautifully. The speaker's lover tries to show himself as perfect while on the inside he is truly just cold and the speaker is dying slowly from lack of warmth. To repeat your sentiments "Awesome!" |
| 1 |
|
"Marginal Man"
Collection of poetry by NiK covering an historical sweep through the poet's life during the turbulent years of change in Southern Africa between 1973 and 2000.
|
 |
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
| | Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com |
|
|
|
|
| |
Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S | | |
