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fixalvarez
Jesus Andrada
Philippines, Mandaluyong City

Words: 1691
Access: Public
Comments: 1

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WILD ORCHIDS

NOTE: Not really a short story. Its a novel in Progress.
I'm not really sure if it's appropriate,
but I plan to finish it on-line.

INTRODUCTION

In the Philippines, the existence of serial criminals was never a frequent issue. The cop killer alias 'Toothpick or the Muntinlupa inmate 'Baby Ama' are rare psychological subjects that met media prestige.

What drove them to their murderous frenzy are common subjects of retaliation caused by social abuse which may have driven them over the edge. The former allegedly abused by cops after minor infractions of the law and the latter abused by inmates when admitted at the national penitentiary at a tender age for a petty crime.

This story alight a psychological profile that would supercede any other heinous reaction to social injustice or human sacrifice. Our subject, Dr. Honesto Ojeda.

The family is the basic foundation of society. In our culture close family ties depict an intrinsic feature of our social background. The Ojeda family is no different from any other Filipino family in this regard. The preceding events characterize a human being's rare response to unexpected drudgery suffered in the hands of the cruel side of society.

THE OJEDA FAMILY

For four generations the Ojeda family maintained their interest in the medical profession. The late great Dr. Artemio Ojeda, Sr., was a celebrated hero when he served as a military doctor in the break of the Second World War. With unwavering dedication he served his fellow Filipinos in the best way known to him. Mandaluyong used to house the National General Hospital in the now infamous National Center for mental health. Here the good doctor, in the sense, relinquished himself of his family responsibilities to aid the sick. This was probably why the ancestral home of the Ojeda's is located in the immediate vicinity along 9 de Pebrero. Dr. Artemio Ojeda, Jr., following in the footsteps of his father pursued a medical profession as well. In fact he became a local community figure. A general medical practitioner, he practiced fairness and genuine concern in attending to his patients. Monetary considerations were never an issue as far as the good doctor is concerned. Assisted by his wife, Mrs. Angelita Ojeda, a registered nurse, they offered community service that reveres the profession vow of preserving life without compromise.

The couple, after the break of Martial Law Era was gifted with two (2) sons. The eldest, Artemio Ojeda, III, otherwise known as 'Art' was born on the 29th of July 1965. The second child, Honesto Ojeda, otherwise known as 'Honey Boy', was born four (4) years thereafter the 14th of February 1969.

The family maintained a humble yet affluent lifestyle in their ancestral home along 9 de Pebrero in Mandaluyong. Their house appears like your typical burgee residence. A house designed much like Spanish concrete houses in the early 1900's. The house is well proportioned within a 500-sq. m. lot. The main house is a two story concrete structure surrounded by huge windows and an invitingly elegant porch distinctly overlooking the facade. Upon entrance to the gate, one would notice the inviting beauty of Mrs. Ojeda's orchid garden at the right side fronting the berranda. Straight ahead, the left-backside of the house, is the covered garage that could house two (2) cars at any one time. Directly behind the house is a garden that led to the recreation hall. A two (2) story structure, with dimension of about five (5) by ten (10) square meters serves as recreation hall and occasionally a home clinic in time of emergency. A small area in the first floor in this structure is allotted for this purpose. Just across their house is the Mandaluyong Elementary School. Behind the school is 'Welfareville'. One of the biggest, if not the biggest squatter area in Metro Manila.

Although the good doctor and his wife were considered highly accommodating and undiscriminating, the gate and fence of their house may imply otherwise. Maintained at over fifteen (15) feet, the barrier sheltered the family from the crude neighborhood.

The squatter's area covers a very large area. Bounded by 9 de Pebrero St. on the north side, Fabella St. on the south side and an approximately quarter of a kilometer stretch of slum area abound along Martinez St. on the West Side. In addition to this, the East Side of the area houses the Philippine Women's Penitentiary just before the National Center for Mental Health. The area is cluttered with shanties or seemingly temporary structures for migrants. It was overwhelming populated and obviously unfit for humane standards of living. The volume of the population combined with below level standards of living creates a recipe for disaster. Inevitably the mores and values of the residents are compromised.

Criminality abounds the area. One specific social problem of concern in our story is the abuse of illegal drugs. Our story emphasizes the fact that nobody is safe from the clutches of the evils of men. How a perfect family blessed with all the perks in life and hollowed to glorious height for their social contributions, fell prey to an evil menace and eventually shattered irreversibly, is an event that shocked the community and yielded disgust.

In the summer of 1983, it was headline news. 'STUDENT DOCTOR COMMITS SUICIDE'. Artemio Ojeda, III, from a family of doctor's in Mandaluyong, killed himself through self-induced overdose. The incident triggered a series of events that racked the imagination of the local community. Dr. and Mrs. Artemio Ojeda, Jr., both suffered from heart attach soon thereafter. The incident led to the eventual death of Mrs. Ojeda and to the paralysis of the good doctor.

For months, different rumors emerged as to the truth that lies behind the event. A year or so before the incident, Art as they referred to Artemio Ojeda, III. reestablished childhood acquaintances in the neighborhood. Most particularly, with 'Bobot Bakal' or Rolando Olivarez. 'Bakal' or steel in English was an attribute given to our character for his solid physical structure. A bad news as far as the neighborhood is concerned, Bobot was noted to have been involved in almost all sorts of criminal activities. Most specially, in drug trafficking. Bobot was a childhood acquaintance of both Art and Honey Boy back in the 1970's. However, the reestablishment of their ties almost a year before the incident remain an object of controversy.

Meanwhile, 'Honey Boy' after having a heart-breaking brush with fate, left the Philippines together with his father to live with his uncle. Dr. Bernardo Ojeda, the brother of Dr. Artemio Ojeda, Jr., became the official guardian of the boy. During the time, Honey Boy just graduated high school. After they left, their house became a gloomy and sometimes eerie site along 9 de Pebrero.

Aling Modesta, a long time 'mayordoma' to the Ojeda's was the only remaining figure in the compound. Day in and day out you only catch glimpse of the old lady when she waters the orchids of Mrs. Ojeda and an occasional weekly visit to the market place. The old lady was never really neighborly and confided only to Mrs. Ojeda. Kids are often afraid of her in her seemingly uniform duster and heavily wrinkled face, big sleepy eyes with bugs that protrude almost to the base of her pointed nose. The vines that cover the entire wall of the façade and a portion of the gate makes the house even more scary. Neighbors even made up rumors of Dr. and Mrs. Ojeda being sighted in what used to be an elegant porch.

THE FATE OF 'BOBOT BAKAL'

It was December 1991, at the Mandaluyong hospital; the staff and patrons of the hospital were baffled by a peculiar and seemingly heinous discovery. A body that was fully decapitated was discovered behind the hospital. The legs were amputated up to the knees, the arms amputated up to the elbows, the eyes were just all white, the tongue was cut off and the genitals amputated as well. The naked body, which was obviously male, was on a white blanket shrieking and struggling. There was no blood and no visible wounds. The body was discovered by one of the parking attendants. Seeing that there was no one around, the attendant informed the hospital staff and the body was retrieved.

The hospital staff, unable to come-up with a disposition, decided to call the local law enforcement authorities to shed light to the mystery. First to arrive in the scene was Sergeant Robert Pasada and two other law enforcers of the homicide division. The policemen were escorted by one of the nurses to the emergency room to view the body.

(PROBLEM AREA)
Immediately upon sight Sergeant Pasada exclaimed,
'finally Bobot Bakal resurfaces'. Followed by a question, 'what the hell happened to him'.
From behind him replied one of the doctors.
'This man was probably in an accident'. Then he continues, 'judging from his condition, he probably recovered from a series of operations over a year ago'.
The doctor introduced himself. 'By the way, I am Dr. Honesto Ojeda but you can call me Honey Boy'. In return, Sergeant Pasada introduced himself. 'I am Sergeant Obet Pasada of the Mandaluyong Police homicide division and you can call me Obet for short'. Sergeant Pasada showed a peculiar glance and asked, 'are you related to Dr. Artemio Ojeda'. 'Yes, he's my father', replied the doctor.

For a moment silence ensued. Then finally Sergeant Pasada broke the silence with a series of question. 'How did he get here?' 'Who brought him here?' 'Does he have any relatives with him?'

Dr. Ojeda referred the authorities to the room where the parking attendant may be held for questioning. But before Sergeant Pasada left, he asked the doctor to please stand by for some procedural questions. The doctor conformed. After spending time with the attendant, Sergeant Pasada decided that since there isn't much they could fish out they opt to interview Dr. Ojeda instead.

Silence enveloped the halls of the hospital since it was already half past midnight. While Sergeant Pasada was on their way to the emergency room where Dr. Ojeda was the supervising doctor an obnoxiously loud voice engulfed the silence.

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Comments  
Littlun Comment by: Littlun - 2006-04-01 16:11
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The best advice i can give you with dialogue is to go out and listen to other people's conversations and note how they talk to each other. People don't make speeches to each other, they trail off, repeat things and finish eachoters sentences. Your dialogue is not bad at all, but is a little stiff sounding.

Immediately upon sight Sergeant Pasada exclaimed,
?finally Bobot Bakal resurfaces?. Followed by a question, ??what the hell happened to him?.
From behind him replied one of the doctors.
??This man was probably in an accident?. Then he continues, ??judging from his condition, he probably recovered from a series of operations over a year ago?.
The doctor introduced himself. ??By the way, I am Dr. Honesto Ojeda but you can call me Honey Boy?. In return, Sergeant Pasada introduced himself. ??I am Sergeant Obet Pasada of the Mandaluyong Police homicide division and you can call me Obet for short?. Sergeant Pasada showed a peculiar glance and asked, ??are you related to Dr. Artemio Ojeda?. ??Yes, he??s my father?, replied the doctor.

For a moment silence ensued. Then finally Sergeant Pasada broke the silence with a series of question. ??How did he get here?? ??Who brought him here?? ??Does he have any relatives with him??


First of all i would cut the parts like 'Followed by a question' and 'then he continues'. They deaden the the conversation when you want the dialogue to be kept lively. Try not to have anything like this between the breaks in the same characrs dialogue, because it takes the reader out of the scene too much.

When writing dialogue, you also have to consider the relationship between the characters. In this case, it shouldn't be too formal, the men are all at a similiar level of status and are trying to get to the bottom of something.

I would rewrite the passage as follows:

Immediately upon sight Sergeant Pasada exclaimed,
"Finally! Bobot Bakal resurfaces! What the hell happened??.
??Probably an accident. Judging from his condition, it look like he recovered from a series of operations over a year ago," one of the doctors replied from behin him. "I'm Dr. Honesto Ojeda,' he introduced himself. "Call me Honey Boy."
??I am Sergeant Obet Pasada of the Mandaluyong Police homicide division," said Pasada. "And you can call me Obet." He showed a peculiar glance and asked, ??Are you related to Dr. Artemio Ojeda."
??Yes," said the doctor. "He??s my father."

For a moment silence ensued. Then finally Sergeant Pasada broke the silence. "How did he get here?? he asked. ??Who brought him? What about relatives - does he have any relatives with him??

What i have essentially done is remove the parts that i think distract the reader from the dialogue and anything sounding too formal for the conversation. I have tried to add bits to it, repetitions and incomplete sentences, that give it a more realistic feel.

I suggest that whenever you write dialogue, you read it aloud to yourself afterwards, im the tone of voice you think your characrers should use. Act out the scene as see if it sounds natural. If it doesn't, think of what you would say if you were that character in that sitaution, how you would phrase things.

I hope i was of some help.
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By fixalvarez

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