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Smile
You don't understand me
But you try
And see me
When I need you.
Sometimes I want to see you
And you do not
Which makes every moment
With you more special.
Someday, perhaps, we two
Will not keep our troubles alone
But share and grow stronger
As two individuals together.
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| This was truly a touching poem. I can relate to the meaning from this poem probably too well. I feel that you love with extreme care and sentiment as I do, which in these days goes ever so unappreciated. Maybe not though but thats what I gathered. |
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| Thanks for the comments all; but I wanted to keep the language concise, and open to different readings (as Leah noted); changing the "and" to "but" makes it a little too harsh, or accusing, and is not really the tone I was going for. Thanks for the comments! |
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| i like this. simple, yet deep on so many other levels. i too think that line 6 would sound better altered. i particularly like the last 2 lines. |
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Comment by: - 2006-03-31 08:00
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| This could apply to family, friends, or a lover. This transferable emotion..makes for a stronger piece. I enjoyed this poem, as I have most everything you have posted. - Leah |
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Comment by: aikaida - 2006-03-31 06:42
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wow... that was very touching. this is proof that this is aa work of art. its very simple and to the piont, which makes it overall good. but instead of saying we two, i would say something like:
"the two of us" or "we both"
and in thed lines:
"Sometimes I want to see you
And you do not."
it could sound better like this:
"Sometimes I want to see you,
but you do not."
well, those are just suggestions or you can keep it the same. but it is good. good job!
happy writting!
<3,
ai |
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