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lukewest
Luke West
Australia, QLD, Gold Coast

Words: 1073
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Chapter three

I have to take action. I decide to hide hidden voice recorders in the house. These items don't come cheap. I walk at a fast pace to the local shopping centre. I don't have any money, but this was necessary. This is out of character for me, but it has to be done. My hands are sweating and my face is going red. I enter the electrical store. The cashiers stare at me. "May i help you with anything?" said the elderly man, dressed to impress, from behind the counter. "Just looking" i say with a trembling voice. I walk through several isles pretending to be interested in the items on the shelves. I spot the voice recorders. They are locked behind a glass cabinet. I quickly shove several packets of batteries from the shelf into my bag. Another young sales person is heading towards me, moving at a fast pace. I can feel my heart beat going faster and faster as the man gets closer and closer. I have been caught, were my immediate thoughts. "Excuse me" i turn my head; my arms are shaking as the sweat runs down my face. "Can i unlock the cabinet for you?" I almost fainted with relief. "Ah, yes please". The sales man name was Bob, which was clearly printed on a name badge, pinned on the front of his shirt. Bob unlocks the glass door. "Bob, phone call line one, it's your wife, sounds urgent" yelled the cashier from the service desk. "Sorry mam, I won't be a minute". This is my chance. I quickly pull 3 voice recorders from the cabinet and tuck them into my bag. I head for the door, walking faster than usual. Everything is going well, i repeatedly say in my head. "Stop that girl" yells Bob from the service desk. Next minute, three security guards run towards me. I run out of the shop, with the loud beeping noises from the security gates alerting in the background. The security guards follow closely behind. Shopping centre customers dive out of my way. I manage to escape from the shopping centre security guards. I take a few side streets, to assure they are no longer following me. I hide behind a tree to catch my breath. Tears start flowing from my eyes. I'm now an official criminal. I'm now on shopping centre security footage. Was it worth it? I manage to get home without interruptions from the Police or security. I head towards the front door. The door is open and their is no sign of mum's car. I decide to head down the side alley and enter the house from the back. The back door is also open. I slowly creep through the door. Our floors are timber, so the slightest creep will disturb the quiet environment. I hear footsteps heading down the stairs. I sit anxiously behind the couch. I slowly poke my head around the side of the lounge. It's Jon. He starts picking pieces of furniture up and throwing them around the room like a lunatic. Opening draws and slamming cupboards. He is slowly trashing everything in the room and is heading towards the kitchen which is in full view of where I'm sitting. I quietly crawl along the ground and through the lounge room, in order to reach the phone, to call the police. I make it to the stairs. "Hey you" Jon screamed across the room "get back here" i race up the stairs, down the hallway, into my room. Jon is traveling extremely close to me. I slam my bedroom door and lock it. Jon is bashing the door, trying to break into the room. I pick the phone up and dial 000. "000, what's your emergency?" the phone operator asks. What am I doing? I just shoplifted a few hundred dollars worth of stock from the store, I'm sure the police have me on their records. I hang the phone up. The sounds of Jon smashing through the door have gone quiet. I look out the window and see him speed off down the street. I open the door and quietly creep back down the stairs, fearing he is still in the house. I dial my mum's mobile. No answer. I try again and again but was still receiving no answer. As I press redial I'm interrupted by the door bell. I peer through the glass, to see 2 police officers standing in high alert. They must have traced my call. I'm not sure what to do. I duck down below the door. I peer through the side window and notice the police officers begin to circle the outside of the house. I hear the noise of a car entering the drive way. The police officers stop the perimeter search and confront the driver. The driver was my mum. I'm ready to explode with joy. My mum calmly explains to the police officers that she didn't call the authorities. "Another prank call" a police officer says to the other. The two uniformed police officers decide to take one final walk around the house to assure their was no disturbance. I try and attract attention from my mum. Whilst doing so, I notice a car parked directly across from the street. As the police officers leave the house. Jon exits the car from across the road. He slowly heads towards my mother, who had begun to cry. He points a gun to her head and headed for the front door. I quickly unwrap the voice recorders from the bag, place the batteries in and start to place them in secret location around the room. I jam a piece of wood under the door, to stop them entering so quickly. I run to the back door and hide in the garden around the side of the house. I'm so nervous for my mum. I'm not game enough to watch the horror through the window. About half an hour later, Jon departs from the house with my mum. They hop in her car and head down the street. Jon's car is still parked across the road with a passenger in the vehicle. I enter the house from the back door. I rewind one of the voice recorders and press play. Words cannot describe how I feel as I listen to the words of betrayal. Mum spoke in a nervous and unsure voice when she agreed to..........................

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Comments  
MaggieMay Comment by: MaggieMay - 2006-04-01 08:26
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I like where its going so far. I didn't read all the way to the end because of time restraints, I'll finish the alst paragraph or so later on. Kepp writting, i'll keep following!

Oh make sure you put a space between paragraphs, just for Spoiled Ink so its easier to read :)
also I'd start a new paragraph for the dialogue, don't run it in a single paragraph :)


"character for me, but it has to be done."--don't need a comma there
Comment by: - 2006-04-01 03:42
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Ok, firstly. Where are your paragraphs?

'their is no sign of mum's car' should be 'there'

'to assure they are no longer following me.' i think you need to put 'myself' in the sentence.

Just a small quibble try not to start so many sentaces with "I" rearrange the sentances
an exapmle could be,
"I open the door and quietly creep back down the stairs, fearing he is still in the house."
'Opening the door, fearing he is still in the house, I quitely creep back down the stairs.' JMO though.

I think you could flesh it out a bit more with deeper description of her feelings.

it's coming on well though.
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By lukewest

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