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Words: 155
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Fiorelli verses Converse

Our fingernails were always packed
With dirt that summer:
Thick black lines
Through chipped fluorescent paint
Taken from our mothers' vanity cases,
Poorly applied to our skin.

Your lurid eye shadow through pinkish
Shades of the cling-film circle
From your lips. My stubbornly
Vibrant green plimsolls dulled
By the cleavage of your big and second
Toe - peeping through supple Italian leather.

We stood beneath the sepia sky,
Cracking with current.
Our cotton t-shirts patterned with sweat
Matching the sticky stains
On the denim, which lay
Just below our thighs.

Blood oozed down our Woolworths virgin
Socks: the pattern no longer stretched
Out over skin to raw knees.
Elastic had relaxed, they rolled down
Our calves - caked in dried mud
From avoiding the monotony of CITV.

I stood there giggling
At the smears of gum across
Your nose and cheeks: trapping
Strawberry hairs that escaped copious
Layers of lacquer.
The sky split, and belched out liquid.

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Comments  
AJSmith Comment by: AJSmith - 2006-07-12 04:49
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Hiya

Always looking for new and imaginative ways to describe raining. Loved your line... My favourite stanza was the fourth. Creative Images are high on my list of things required in a poem, and yours were very good, very detailed. Socks stretched up to raw knees - tres bien - i had flashbacks of childhood, which, actually, this whole poem gave me. You mention the need for critique in your bio, so when i got time i'll be more critical and will take a look at your others too. This is the first of yours i've read and i'm already impressed. You have an air of a professional, which i would expect, if you were even contemplating a Poetry Masters. I'll look forward to reading your others.

Criticals:-

* perhaps look at the line break on the 8th line, circle/from your lips. Actually, with the first stanza's rhythm being per line (you can read a line at a time), and then falling into a three line sentence, I found I stumbled over pinkish/shades and circle/from. I'm not sure you need to put 'Toe' on the next line. I'm looking for reasons for the line breaks in this stanza, but cant see any, apart from exaggeration. I'm not sure it works too well, i do seem to 'stumble' along a bit. It's ?incongrous? to the other stanzas which work better, with well selected line breaks like stretched/out and down/our, oh, and virgin/socks too. Definitely my favourite stanza. The detail of CITV takes me back to He-Man and Thundercats days.

* i'll conclude now. overall i get the impression of youthfulness, outdoors, a friend or boyfriend as well. I'm thinking boyfriend. it's evocative of a free spirit and having fun, also adventure, testing new ground. Hope i'm somewhere near what you were hoping to express.
Min Comment by: Min - 2006-04-06 00:38
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Made me smile. Think I might have put 'crackling' instead of 'cracking' (moot point really). Loved the final line.
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