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In the Rafters
The scent of decay licked my cheeks. I was sick before my hand hit the light. The bodies swayed with long faces. 'Don't go in,' I warned Joel, who stayed behind, trembling. The ground was muck. I stepped forward, hoping the slime would not swallow me. For the moment, I was safe. The nearest corpse was raped. Canvas pants said Army, but Man or Woman was unknown. 'American,' I said. Joel stopped looking over his shoulder and scribbled the word down.
A fly twitched on the corpse's neck, and a spider fell from stringy hair. It bit the fly, drained it, and abandoned the shell. More flies inspected, but they were trapped. The spiders were waiting in the rafters.
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Comment by: zepol - 2008-08-25 16:59
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| Great scene. The ending ties it all together. Thanks for a very enjoyable read. |
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Comment by: rsayles - 2008-06-03 19:30
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| Your description is strong without many words. What you leave out makes this piece. It leaves me curious to find out the who's, why's how's, where's and when's of the story. I do like the last line; it seems like it foreshadows what fate will befall this group. Good job. |
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| Queasy suspension of understanding, the symbol looming at the end unattached like a house falling apart, the crashing collapse unstated.... Excellent shadowy detaillessness you've left; it provokes both my brain and my gut to riot. |
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| This story is definitely worth a second read. To me, and I know I could be wrong, the spiders are symbolic of the danger around the narrator and his friend? co-worker? doesn't matter. They are only flies trapped in a sticky situation. |
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I'm more a fan of good writing than of any particular genre. I read anything, and in everything I read I look for skill and artistry B4 content. Perhaps, in some eyes, I deprive myself of entertainment, but skillful writing is entertaining to me so I can read many genres with pleasure, but still be entertained by less skillful writers but good story tellers such as Stephen King.
I enjoyed the feeling of suspense you created B4 you brought in the flies. That was excellent writing. The flies added a natural element to the story and improved the macabre tone, however I wound up feeling like one of those swaying corpses--twisting in the breeze with nowhere left to go. I didn't get the "spiders waiting" metaphor.
BTW, I can't resist a guess. Does this piece describe the war in Iraq? These three sentences make it seem so. "The nearest corpse was raped. Canvas pants said Army, but Man or Woman was unknown. ??American,? I said." |
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"Daylight"
Will Sutherland Hayes is a boy with a dark past. Hannah Rostow is a girl with a dark future.
It's going to take a lot of daylight to bring these two together.
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