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alesha
Kashfia Kabir
United Kingdom, Haywards Heath

Words: 349
Access: Public
Comments: 8

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the downward spiral (first draft)

The blank TV screen bursts into a cacophony of static and noise. Then, just as suddenly, the screen switches to a darkened room. It's a teenager's room, as can be evident by the clothes, CDs, books and other paraphernalia cluttered around the room. The windows are draped shut, but we can see that it is almost dawn outside; sunrise is a few minutes away. The teenage girl, whose room we are invading with our prying eyes, is sitting on the floor in one corner. The stereo is turned on at a low but distinct volume, and snatches of songs can be heard. The track changes and the guitar chords of the new song come drifting from the speakers.

The girl starts singing along in a whisper to Alison Krauss: 'It doesn't matter what I want/It doesn't matter what I need/It doesn't matter if I cry/Don't matter if I bleed'¦'

Her voice trails off at the last word and she looks down at her arms which are resting on her legs. A razor is clutched loosely in one hand, while the left arm is streaked with raw, red lines. She sighs and shifts her gaze to the other side of the room, to something on a wall that is outside our vantage point. She retains her gaze and seems to be contemplating'¦something. Her expression is absolutely unfathomable. From one angle, she seems to be engulfed in repressed pain and suffering; from another, she looks almost serene, as if she is at peace with the world.

She breaks her reverie with a shake of her head, her long black hair spilling over her shoulders. She casts a fleeting glance at the screen. But, strangely, she didn't look straight at the screen. Rather, she looked slightly above it, as if there was a person there holding the video camera, from whom she was seeking reassurance or confirmation or even the strength to continue.

Her eyes are a soft dark brown colour, and are framed with a fringe of long black eyelashes.

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Comments  
Robert Barlow Comment by: Robert Barlow - 2006-08-09 17:54
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Kashfia, description is certainly one of your strong points. It was very vivid and it flowed smoothly. Well done. --Robert Barlow
Comment by: - 2006-06-14 09:40
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AWESOME its amazing i personally wouldve made it a little longer but all in all a wonderful peice of work especially for the first draft if ou want try and read the poem i posted i hae to put more up though keep writing
alesha Comment by: alesha - 2006-06-12 23:57
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thank you for all ur comments: uve all inspired me to keep writing:) and songbird, as to avoiding the graphic description, i dont do much of that in the full story. sorry! but its not very gruesome, i think.
Comment by: - 2006-06-12 07:23
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The perspective the narrator takes is very interesting. The whole piece is haunting, well done on avoiding the graphic description I hate where self-harm is concerned, it was delicately handled.
R
Jamilah Comment by: Jamilah - 2006-04-24 20:21
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You have very good descriptive skills. You've painted the scene, both physically and .emotionally, very well. You make me want to keep reading
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