Sometimes in our lives we experience feelings of anguish frustration or sorrow for the loss of a loved one.
It seems there is no solution to alleviate the sorrow and pain one feels.
I wondered how a person could cope in the face of disaster.
I was about to find out.

The doctor had diognosed a fractured skull, his grey/blue eyes showing signs of concern as he spoke.
"There is a build up of pressure on the brain. My collegues and I need to operate,to relieve the pressure.
Ive contacted a specialist in Auckland for a second opinion,and he is in agreement that I perform the operation right away. I will be back with the forms for you both to fill in, giving me permission.

I walk towards the window,pause for a second, then slowly open the wooden shutters, letting in a stream of light. I peak thru the slit. A couple of children are playing on the pavement below. Not far off a dog barks.

"Ms Williams are you okay?"
"Uh huh, I mumble." Not really interested in what was going on around me.

He left the room leaving me to my thoughts. I had lost all care for the present. My mind skipped back thru the corridors of time, recapturing pleasant thoughts of my baby. 'My Lorin', her hair soft as velvet, and black like the raven, shone brightly in the sun. Squeals of delight, filling the air as I lifted her up high. Contentment spreading across her countenance as I held her close.
I asked myself, "How did this catastrophy occur?"

Moments before we headed off to Taumarunui, I got what I felt was a 'premonition' or ,womans intuition'.
As clear as the noonday sun, I heard a soft but powerful voice,beckon me not to go. Ignoring the impression I received, I made my way to the front door of the vehicle.
Another warning, more urgent this time... and still I took no notice. Then more urgently again, I was directed to take a back seat. I was confused, not knowing whether to listen or ignore it. After all it was only a voice in my head. Not wanting to appear silly, I alighted, and off we drove toward town.

I hated travelling along this stretch of road. It was narrow, dusty, long and winding. At times it was hard to view on coming traffic. When you did chance to meet one, it was always on a corner. Each bend we came to gave me imaginary brakes. I repeatedly imagined there was a crash not far off. This particular day the feeling seemed stronger.

Lorin woke, let out a squawk, then burst into chorus wanting to be fed. I turned, undid the harness and carefully placed her on my lap,popping the bottle in her mouth.

Then it happened... The sound of metal crunching against metal. Shattered glass strewn everywhere. By the time I realized what had occured, my head hit the windscreen leaving a nasty gash on my forehead. The impact left a trail of debri on the ground and irreparable damage to the car. Besides receiving minor injuries,Stu and I were badly shaken but we were okay. I was more concerned about baby.

As it happened Frank, Stu's brother had been following behind, arriving in time to drive us to the hospital. Noone can ever know the turmoil I was in. This is a moment I will never forget. The haunting groans, proceeding from our baby caused me to shiver thru every fiber of my body. Dear Lord, why couldnt it have been me. If it were possible I would have given my life for
her... Had I listened to that still small voice....

I was not aware of the doctor entering the room untill I heard the latch click. He looked very serious as He informed Stu and I that the operation would serve no purpose. Our baby had only a few hours to live.
I was devastated... I felt numb....It was warm in the brightly lit room, but all I could feel, was the cold of doom all around me. Dreams of a bright and cheerful future had faded. Now dark clouds of dismay had blotted out the sun, and dispersed seeds of anguish upon me.
I glanced up at Stu. He was a foot taller than me. His dark thick hair fell messily about his face. Tears welled up in his eyes, then spilt over like a waterfall, leaving streaky lines down his cheeks. He was hurting too.
I needed him to hold me close. To say things would be fine. Only he was as disheartened as I was.

Like little children, seeking comfort from their parents when distressed, Stu and I cried from the chambers of our souls, as we searched for refuge beneath the wings of the Almighty Father.
"Give us stength, dear Father, to bear what ever lies in store for us concerning our child. If she lives, she lives unto thee. If she dies, she dies unto thee. Thy will be done."
Minutes later I felt a strong impression that Lorin would not live. As I tried to face this fact, I remembered the third verse of How Firm a Foundation...
Fear not I am with you
Oh be not dismayed
For I am your God
And will still give thee aid
Ill strengthen thee, help thee
And cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand

I could see Job in my minds eye, the tribulations and the trials he experienced. Yet in his grief and suffering, he remembered the Lord.
"The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I turned to my Maker for solace.

Lorin was transferred to ICU. She was attached to a life support. I was taken to a ward. When I heard baby was in ICU I wanted to go where she was. My injuries were trivial compared to hers. So the nurse wheeled me to a empty space adjacent to Lorin. I got out of bed and hobbled over to where she lay.
She looked so tiny and helpess on the adult sized bed. I gave her hand an affectionate squeeze, and sat beside her bedside most of the day, taking breaks when needed. Soon all the whanau (family) were visiting when the tragic news reached them.

The sound of silence

You could have heard a pin drop when I returned from a short break... The support machine had been removed...
I felt cheated... I didnt even get an opportunity to say goodbye...

TO BE CONTINUED

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