Freckles - revised second stanza!
You are here: Edit Red >>
Uploads >>
Poetry >> Freckles - revised second stanza!
 |
 |
 |
| |
Freckles - revised second stanza!
A cold day with freckles of rain
On the window and thoughts
Of lost love dripping on my mind.
A sad song playing just for me,
Tripping wires of memory and
Teasing out forgotten thoughts.
A picture of a boy and a girl,
Love in the foreground and
Nothing in the world but us.
A chipped mug bought in haste
That has felt the casual brush
Of lips that are no longer felt.
An old shirt that was worn on
A hundred summer afternoons
When we always had the magic of us.
A cold day with freckles of tears
On the table and thoughts
Of the love that has slipped away.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
Very easy to relate to. Lovely.
"That has felt the casual brush
Of lips that are no longer felt."
I would suggest losing the repeatition of the word "felt," though. Perhaps you could replace it with "present" or "there"?
You write beautifully. Keep it up. |
 |
Comment by: Valerie - 2006-05-27 00:07
|
|
| Nice sentimentality. Great write. You began five verses with "A." I felt that the repetition interferred with the flow of the music. However, the thoughts are lovely. I enjoyed this. |
 |
Comment by: alien - 2006-04-26 02:40
|
|
it's a lovely piece. I like the new 2nd stanza :)
In stanza 4, the repetition of "felt" takes away from the resonance a little. Perhaps if you said, 'that has TASTED the casual brush / of lips that are no longer felt' or something like that, to just add a little bit more power to the lines. :) Tasted is also a slant rhyme with haste, which also adds an emphasis but you wouldn't want it at the end of line 3, just in the middle of line 2 would be lovely :)
I DO like this poem, though, G, it's very good. Like all your writing, it's a simple expression of truth that reaches the places it's supposed to :) |
 |
Comment by: - 2006-04-14 11:40
|
|
So sad and lonley. Beautifully conveyed emotion. Best bit for me.
A cold day with freckles of tears
On the table and thoughts
Of the love that has slipped away.
Lovely read.-B |
|
|
| beautiful. very nice. |
| 1 2 3 Next |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
