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| Back when I still drank, I recall nights like this. The first beer I had was cheap and cool like in this poem. It was a military bar inside Camp Hanson in Okinawa a few weeks before I went to Vietnam. Today, I'd rather have an expensive dark beer and I stay out of bars since I almost drank myself to death after Vietnam. Thanks for the memories of past moments |
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| Short but sweet! A true sign of some real talent! |
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This piece is so... the best way I can think of to describe it is "angular" and "rough." I really like the cold, straightforward images you provide -- the smoke, the beer, the hard table. The last line is my favorite. It makes everything very deep. It reminds me of my own life, only replace the bar with a diner every Friday night.
In a way, this piece gives me the image of comfort and security, while shadowing it with a continuous boredom that comes with doing the same thing every week or day. "Unmeant meaning" -- very powerful.
"and talk with
smiles about life"
Because of how "angular" and strong this poem is, I really feel that the word "smiles" shouldn't be there. It doesn't seem like the right word choice because of how you've written the rest of the poem.
Other than that, I love it. Very nice. |
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Comment by: - 2006-04-13 13:26
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| It's a really lovely poem, the final stanza is incredibly beautiful. I agree with 'redbirdjazzz' - any university student would enjoy it. |
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| Love the last line. I think this would be very successful in a publication aimed at college students! I find this somewhat reminiscent of Billy Joel's "Piano Man" from the perspective of one of the customers he portrays. |
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