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final hit
you supplement your salary
selling skag and smack
but laying in the shooting gallery
with needles in your back
you see al pacino in scarface
saying "Don't get high on your own supply!"
but with your arm tied off by a shoelace
full of shit and starting to die
you know the advice sank in too late
and you were doomed to overdose on fate
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| the imagery was very good here. liked it a lot. |
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| perfect description and imagery. it was good that you didnt get acrried away as this poem could have gone on for pages but you controlled it and made it evry powerful. like the alliteration in the first 2 lines and the ending worked well. |
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Comment by: shepard - 2006-04-15 22:58
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get rid of the( but,) and the (with) and the next( but,) then the last sentence I would lose the first( and,) then after overdose I'd eliminate (,on fate,) create one last line simply say
____ and die.
Check it out, i think it would be tite.(a titer, oui?) Maggie May "skag" be smack, heroin |
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"skag " -- I've never heard of this term before. I must 'google' it .. :B *nerd*
I like the allude to mobster thingies. (I'm not really eloquent today lol ) Very dooming, and very you. |
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| You painted a graphic picture of a total fool. |
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