Detached from a Skewed Occurrence
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Poetry >> Detached from a Skewed Occurrence
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Detached from a Skewed Occurrence
As I lay here
In afterthought
Of memories left by her
Upon my refelctive conscious;
Every deposit of her
Tread across my banks of comprehensive reality
Begin to bleed together;
Remotely viewed in a 3rd person skew,
Melting away
By way of our intoxicating relationship
Leaving no evident repercussion upon me.
Feeling removed from the experience,
As if she was the residual influence of a bad acid trip;
She,
Leaving no contribution to my being.
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Wow, this left me cold. Detached. Very well written.
I love your play with words.
Every deposit of her
Tread across my banks of comprehensive reality
As if she was the residual influence of a bad acid trip;
She,
Leaving no contribution to my being.
Well, with a title like that I guess she did leave no contribution but just "occurrence", detached and skewed at that..whew |
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Comment by: - 2006-05-19 15:49
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| Detach. My favorite word. It is not healthy but it is great to detach ourselves from something painful. Then there is no pain. Trust me on this though, if you do not deal with the pain, it will come back to haunt you. |
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Comment by: Manda - 2006-05-13 23:30
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| as a whole the feeling your are expressing here is well done, however I found it a bit wordy, or perhaps the words used were just too long. I know that might sound weird but you could definitely tighten this piece up and drive the isolation/remoteness deeper. simplicity will allow the detachment/pain to exude from each line much more intensely |
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Comment by: Elinki - 2006-05-13 20:28
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| thanks paul. :D that was extreamly helpuf and I am going to take your advice. thanks |
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it may seem odd but the bit that struck as pure genius in this poem was to have 'she' on a line by itself and to then intesnify the separation of the female subject of the poem with a comma. i think if you change the word 'she' in the previous line to 'it were' linking it to the experience in the 3rd from last line it would intesnify this isolation even more. it would read thus:
Feeling removed from the experience,
As if it were the residual influence of a bad acid trip;
She,
Leaving no contribution to my being. |
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