Beyond Denial


Most of my life I've viewed things through a dirty grey blanket. It's hard to tell what's real observing the world in this way. The whole picture starts to become distorted beyond repair. Reality turns into a perpetual pattern of routines. Existence, nothing more than monotone days merged with restless sleepless nights.


Beneath it all though, the real me was suffering. My soul lay dormant, unconscious and trapped in another woman's head. Occasionally she woke up but I would just ignore her until she had no other choice than to go to sleep again. I was afraid to face her, so frightened that I couldn't look her in the eyes, as happiness was something that I had learnt to forget, like the names of old school friends cleared out of my head to make way for weekly shopping trips.


I am not going to get hung up on it though, it's made me who I am. It's all part of the process like the day I finally woke up and cut two great big holes straight through that blanket. After that everything changed forever.




*


It's late Saturday morning and spring licks my face with warm sunlight. I have only been up for a few hours. Last night it was a late one with my work friends, we ended up drinking all night at the Kestrel bar. We didn't eat. The world seemed beautiful, almost dreamlike. All we cared about was the music as we danced in the clothes we had worn all day, hypnotised by the DJ, with no other thoughts other than the now.


Later, in the early hours, I had crawled home. I am lucky as I live on Islington High Street. It is a fine example of young people living the high life. I am not rich like them, of course, but I like the place and I bought my flat before prices became expensive.


I should really go to the gym this morning as penance, but I can't today as I feel rough and besides for once I will get to read in peace. Usually I only get to do it on the underground as Derek can't amuse himself. That's the reason why I was able to go out with work last night as he wasn't about. He doesn't like being on his own, you see. He tells me that I don't understand him because I am so comfortable with being alone. As a consequence I have dropped a lot of friends over the years for him. He's away this weekend though, so I can do what I want and it feels so good to know it.


I like to read Graham Greene; it's something I have decided in the last month. First it was Brighton Rock, then Doctor Fischer of Geneva and at the moment it's The End of the Affair. I just love his stuff and it means I get around the bookshop quicker this way and Derek isn't kept waiting. On the underground he can't ring my mobile you see.


This is my time for a change. Hot creamy coffee tickles my throat as I bite like an animal into an overpriced cinnamon swirl. My sunglasses hide my gaze which is good as I am nosy by nature and like to watch the world go by. I have lost where I'm reading. I do this a lot you know'¦ lose my place as I drift off on a daydream and frustratingly it's always about him. Yes I am a sad individual, a girl who seems to have a crush on a guy called Danny that's about as hopeless as believing you can live forever. My husband would go made if he knew I even thought this way. But he has nothing to be afraid of as I haven't set eyes on the guy for ten years. Danny is the only guy that has ever mad me feel weak at the knees. Even now the pleasing features of his face are glued into my memories along with the way he always smelt so good. It all started the first time I met him. I was young and fresh from Northumberland; drawn by the magnetic pull of London and its streets of dreams.


Danny flat shared with my friend Sandra. I was always round there but he didn't talk much to anyone until one day I bumped into him in the kitchen and he kissed me and I just drowned in his arms. It was like time had stopped. Cheesy, I know, but that's how it felt.


After that he moved out and I never saw him again. I don't even see Sandra any more since she moved to Ireland. I miss her so much that I still get sad when I think about it.


I also dream about Danny. I know that I shouldn't as it's pointless and nothing more than a waste of energy. I can't help it though. The subconscious mind does what it wants to do. Damn it for being so stubborn! Why do I lose all reason when it comes to this man?


It goes through phases but the worst time was when I went to Brussels on holiday. Every night I tossed and turned. I couldn't sleep. I felt like I was going to go mad if I didn't have him. It's funny how dreams can exaggerate emotions.


My phone goes and I jump so much that I almost spill my cup of coffee.


'Yes,' I say, slightly embarrassed as the couple on the table next me notice my reaction and laugh.


'Hello, sweetness.'


'Hi Derek.'


'What are you doing, Emma?'


'Just watching the world go by,' I say.


'You are? It sounds to me like you are wasting time. Missing me, are you?'


'Yes, of course. How is Scotland by the way?'


'It's ok up here. Nice air.'


'Oh,' I say eyeing page thirty-eight of my book.


'What did you do last night?' he asks, I feel his eyes burning into me, even with all this distance between us.


'I stayed in.'


'Really? Then why didn't you answer your phone?'


'I went to bed early,' I lie.


Thankfully he drops the subject.


'Emma, honey, please don't forget to get me some deodorant from the shop. I will need that for Monday. You always forget and it's not exactly hard to remember now is it? I get in after you so it's only fair that you take care of all the shopping arrangements.'


'Sure,' I say, wanting to argue that I work from home in the evenings, well try to anyhow, but what's the point? Derek only sees the world his way and he always will.


'I will be home late. You will be in won't you? We can spend the night together.'


'I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow.' I say, 'Besides, I was going to see my friends this evening.'


'No. The flight gets me home about nine tonight, I left it too late and I couldn't get on the Sunday flight. Anyway it will be nice to stay in together....'


My heart sinks. I haven't had a Saturday night out with the girls since my hen night.


'Derek I have to go.' I finally say hanging up the phone before he has time to say anything. He will moan about it later but I don't care.


The next half an hour annoys me. I want to enjoy my book but all the time I'm thinking in the back of my mind about the earful that I will get if forget to get his silly deodorant that I can only buy from only one stupid shop. He's not aggressive but he will just go on and on until I will feel like I want to combust, and then he will tell me that I am being unreasonable. That's the way it works. I can't express myself.


I stole a picture of Danny from their flat. It's torn at the edges from when I grabbed it quickly from the fridge the last time I was there. I used to sleep with it by my bed until I met Derek and for a while he made me forget. Then after we got married I really got to know him and found that what Derek wants and what I want are really two very different things.


I reach the Purple Orange clothes boutique. It's run by this beautiful French girl with eyes like almonds and who is everyone's friend. She loves her job, you can tell by the way she spends ages lining up every item on the clothes rail so that as you go in there a whole outfit just leaps off the rails. Today was supposed to be fun. I was going to buy something outrageous and wear it tonight. It's not the same if you are shopping to stay in with a DVD (that's not even your choice) and supermarket heat-up curry.


I can no longer put it off. I am going to give in and cancel my evening out.


'Stacy?' I say, relieved that I finally get the answer phone. 'Just to let you know, Derek's coming back tonight so I won't be able to come out. '¦sorry honey'¦.have fun won't you.'


How utterly depressing. My day has turned to night.


I buy a dress anyway. I don't try it on. Like I said it has lost its appeal. Even fantasising about Danny making love to me doesn't help. I feel like I have been dropped off a cliff headfirst, only the fall didn't kill me.


I get a text, nothing exciting, just Derek reminding me about deodorant. I would like to stick his deodorant where the sun doesn't shine.




Rain, well I'm not surprised. Though today the gremlins have got it wrong, I like the rain. I let the wetness drench my skin. The smell always reminds me of India, and of the night that I snuck out of the honeymoon suite and fed the cows with the local women by the edge of a river. We stood there as the first slice of orange sun began to appear. I was unable to speak their language but we didn't need words. They were so kind. Derek never knew I did this. He would only have thought of the dangers anyway. It's sad but that is how he sees the world. We are opposites.


My favourite noodle bar is open, and after last night's drinking I feel like the pastry I ate earlier has done nothing more than aggravate my stomach juices into wanting more. They are fairly quick in here. That's what I like about it you know. In less than five minutes I have a Special Ramen and flask of sake. I like the way people look like they're kissing as they suck the noodles between their lips, the slurping noise that they make, and the way most people struggle with the chopsticks. This is why it's my favourite place to have lunch.


My phone goes. It always goes when I am eating. Why is that?


'So what is the lame excuse for not coming out?' Stacy demands.


'Stacy, don't, I was really up for a night out but you know Derek,'


'He's only like that because you let him. Just tell him you are coming out!'


'Stacy I can't.'


'Why not woman?'


'Sorry, my food is here. Better go.' I was short with her but I'm not in the mood for another ear bashing.


I pick at my food after that, but then I stop sulking like a baby and devour it like it's my last meal. Then I head home.


I look windswept so I fix my hair. I don't know why but I just feel like fixing it. I even do my makeup and try on my new dress. I scrub up ok you know. Shame the mirror is the only person who is going to see me like this. I could suggest going out to Derek but he's not getting in until late so that's the last thing he's going to want to do.


I find my picture of Danny. You can't really see him, it was taken from such a distance; the guy in the jeans could be anyone yet I am in love with the idea of being in love with him. I always wonder what it would be like to have sex with him. And if he kisses me now would I be able to kiss him back or would my lips quiver uncontrollably and would my mouth taste sour with fear?


My mobile screams me back into the room. What is it with people calling me today?


'Yes,' I say.


'Emma did you remember it?' Derek asks.


'You're ringing me up ten times a day for what?' I say rudely.


'I know how you forget stuff.'


'Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't aware I was your servant.'


'Don't get all hormonal on me. Emma did you remember the deodorant?'


'No, I forgot. Sorry. I'll go back out and get it.'


'Emma!'


'Derek, it's only bloody deodorant.'


'I can see that we are in for a fun evening tonight then,' he huffs.


'Sorry,' I say. I don't like confrontation and if I don't back down now then he'll go on and on at me until I just want my body to explode.


Imagine the mess he would have to clear up!


Maybe I should be nicer to him. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am being snappy today. I should make him a nice meal and make a fuss of him when he gets home.


After he hangs up I go into the kitchen to smoke a cigarette. No one in the world knows I do it. I must be the most casual un-addicted smoker ever. I only have one a day on the way to the station, or when I am having my period as that depresses the hell out of me, or if I am about to have one of my Emma moments.


Emma moments don't happen that often. The last time was when I changed my job. The time before that was when I got married, but the biggest Emma moment of all was when I jumped on the train to London. It's like something inside of me is trying to shake me awake, to make me realise and I do, honestly I do, but this time it's different. It's a lot more complex.


I smoke a second cigarette straight off. So much for being in control. From my back window I can see Wilma sitting in her living room chair. She never looks over here but I can see her. She's old but not frail and she always seems so happy despite living alone. This is what I used to fear when I was younger. It terrified me to think I would grow old and have no one to care for me. I don't have any family really so without Derek there is only me. Before him if I had a problem, I would fix it. This worked fine. How silly I am for worrying. I've always been able to make plenty of friends and what's so bad about living alone? Doesn't it just mean that you are more in touch with yourself and comfortable with just being you? I don't know really.


Derek would like to start a family but I think it would push me over the edge. I know it would mean security but I have been thinking lately that this is exactly what I don't need. I don't have any freedom now so what chance would I have then?


It's easier not to talk about these things. Still, when did I suddenly change from the hotheaded teenager into a passive little mouse? It must have been so gradual. If I'd noticed it surely I wouldn't have let it happen?


If Derek loves me, he will let me do this you know. Maybe I could make him a meal and still go out?


I look across at Wilmer she's eating her dinner now, but she has company. A lady from down the road. They are laughing and it looks like they have glasses of sherry in their hands. Cheeky ladies. I want to be like them when I get old and have a face lined through experience rather than crinkled with regret.


I am going to do this. It's not right. It's not like I go out all the time. I can't cook anyway and he can get a takeaway. Just the occasional night out with my friends, that's all I am asking. Why do I have to always be on stand-by for him?


My tummy spins as I call him. It's difficult to explain why I just change my mind like this.


'Derek, I'm going out.' I say, the words gushing before I have time to stop them.


'What, to get my deodorant?'


'I mean tonight.'


'What?'


'Yes, I'm going out with the girls tonight. It's not my fault you changed your plans.'


'But you haven't seen me since Thursday. You can't go out.'


'It's only one night Derek. If you love me like you claim you do then you will understand and let me go.' My voice is steady but my heart is pounding.


'Emma, you can't. It will be just so depressing for me.'


'No, Derek, you can't say that to me. Now I think I might be a bit to blame in all this but I'm not happy. I am extremely miserable if I'm going to be truthful. I'm going to give it to you straight now, and for once I expect you to listen.'




*


I never did get out that night. There was far too much to talk about in the end. His response left me with no other choice.


Since that day things have been a bit difficult. It is sad, what with me moving out. We're waiting for the house sale to go through. It's harder for him to adjust and the idea of finding somewhere alone just terrifies him, but I think with time he will pull through. I can't do it for him.


Anyway you will never guess who Stella bumped into. Sandra of all people. She was over in London on a course. We're all going over to Ireland in the summer to see her. Still, I have thrown away my picture of Danny. She won't know him now anyway. I just kept that going because I didn't have anything else. It was silly really, living in the past... I'm not going to do that again. Besides, all this chaos of not knowing where I'm headed in life, well I'm sort of enjoying it this way.

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