there were a few things i didn't like about her but in a matter of weeks we were seeing each other practically everyday after work (my work, she lived with her mother), except for weekends when we'd spontaneously go visit each other, sometimes since early in the morning - sometimes until; just getting high or trying to do so, talking walking up and down, sitting around. we'd kind of impose ourselves on each other in an almost sadomasochistic way. she was worse than i though, she had no sense of privacy, it was as if her parents -or society or whatever- had never taught her people don't like to be disturbed, or rather CAUGHT in the middle of whatever it is they do when no one's watching. she'd just let herself in-- any day i'd come out of the shower to find her sitting on the toilet, it would scare the fuck out of me every time; "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" would burst out of my mouth and she would respond something like "do i have to get your permission to take a shit now? you're fucked up". it was in fact MY toilet but she had used it so many times already i couldn't have told her that with enough conviction. she'd half-moved in like an accident and i was okay with it. my counted close relationships with people had always been progressive accidents anyway, it'd always been about impregnating each other with the good and the bad and the worse, then swallowing the results.

but we also had things in common, tastes and thoughts and whatnot; we understood each other and when we didn't we'd pretend we did. there were things i did with Jazmine that i couldn't have done with anybody else. we'd get these food cravings like pregnant women, it was always a specific thing we wanted and if needed we'd walk all over the city looking for it. that day it was cotton candy but we couldn't find any cotton candy men around the park.

"Jaz, there's no cotton candy, i think it's because it's cloudy."

"what's that have to do with it?"

"it's a sunny day kinda thing. plus, i guess the guys don't want their cotton candy to get wet so they flee before it rains."

"fuckin' shit."

we sat on a bench and Jaz lit up a cigarette. it was a saturday afternoon but it felt like a thursday. we had to wait for this guy to come and give us pills, rophynol. he had some sort of crush on Jazmine so he'd give them to us at their pharmacy price, for other people he'd sell them with at least a 50 cents profit per pill. he had doctor handwriting, that was why we had to wait for him-- wait and wait and speculate because his sense of time was all fucked up, plus he was a piller and pillers aren't reliable. Jaz was a piller too, among other things. she was what you could call a bad influence, but i didn't care, i was going to let her influence me, bruise me, suck me, fuck me up and maybe even screw me over. a little.

"ya know, i can't live with my mom anymore" she said. "she's fuckin' nuts and she's driving ME nuts as well."

she gave me an enigmatic look, like waiting me to say something specific. "that's shitty", i said, and she seemed disappointed. then she loaded her pipe again and we smoked. we'd lean behind each other's back just in case anyone was watching but then all that smoke would come out of us. we weren't very cautious, Jazmine especially, she just didn't give a fuck about the police or anyone else, she was the most irreverent bitch i'd ever known and there was no point telling her anything because she was so volatile - sometimes she'd cross the line and i'd want to punch her in the mouth but there was something admirable about her apparent lack of conscience; and besides, she could have kicked my ass any day. we finished smoking and she whined because she didn't have much weed left and no money to buy more. then she started talking about getting a job. she wanted me to help her become a waitress where i worked but i knew what was going to happen if we started working together: we'd both get fired. so i did my best to avoid the subject, i asked her what her first job had been. she told me she'd been a babysitter. it didn't make much sense to me.

"yeah it was a cool job, i liked it but one of the fuckin' kids complained 'bout me to his mother, then she told all the other mothers in the block and that was it."

"what'd he complain about?"

"well, he'd do these paintings, finger paintings, that kinda thing. but they really sucked, ya know? they were fuckin' stains on paper. so i told'im that. i mean, shit, he thought he was some sorta genius prolly 'cos that bitch his mother kept telling'im that, so i figured, one day he's gonna go out into the real world and people's gonna tell him his mom had been lying to him all along, cause seriously Joan that kid had NO talent, i swear. or even worse he could manage to convince other people that his shit was actually precious, like that fuckin' Picasso. that's what it's about, ya know? it's about convincing people. so i told'im he had no talent that he should try sumthin' else, and he CRIED. i got no more calls to babysit after that."

i told her about my first job but the story wasn't funny like hers. then there was a moment of silent anxiety because we were out of talk and the guy with the roofies wasn't getting there. the sun was setting and people in the park were starting to exchange, kids for drunks, bikers for loonies, mothers for crooks. we were now bitching out loud because we needed to get high already, getting high was the very foundation of our relationship. then our guy showed up, Jazmine hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. his name was Aldo and he looked like a perfectly normal and healthy teenager as long as he didn't move or speak. he was just a 17 or 18 but he was THE man (pills-wise) around that area, because of his doctor handwriting and the prescription sheets he'd steal from his doctor mother, and all the corrupt doctors he knew, etc. all he won he invested in more pills, mostly roofies. i bought 2 and Jazmine bought 4. we said bye and he said something but i couldn't understand, he turned around and starting walking away kind of zig-zagging, still mumbling something. we got up and walked to the store to get a soda because the gas makes pills work faster. we both took 2, then Jaz said "fuck it" and took the other couple she had. in her position i would have given her one so we'd both have 3 and be equally fucked up, i wanted to tell her that. in fact, i think i did tell her but she probably just laughed it off, she had this laugh she's use in awkward moments - it worked very well because it'd cut the conversation completely, there was no going around that laughter. whether i said it or not it didn't make any difference, all of a sudden i was drugged up and the woman was telling us to get out of her store because we were too loud or something, i remember he calling us drunks and us laughing stupidly because of it. outside it was night time already, we could go anywhere, and that was exactly where we went.


the next day i woke up slightly hungover, still feeling kind of woozy from the pills. we'd walked here and there, gone into a couple of bars and met up with people who'd bought us drinks, i could remember flashes of conversations and things like that. i couldn't remember how i'd gotten home but i could remember the names of some people i'd met, some thoughts i'd had, some things i'd said. for a moment i felt embarrassed of myself like from beneath the hangover - nothing unusual after a saturday night. i looked at the alarm clock, it was 11:24 am. i went in the bathroom to drink water and take a piss, then went back to bed. when the knocking on the door woke me up it was almost 4 pm; it was Jazmine, i could tell from knocking style. some more flashes the night before surfaced, how we'd kissed and touched, how she'd told me she loved me. we'd been close to sex a few times before but it just hadn't happened; i didn't think much about it, i knew it was going to happen sooner or later and i was ready, though without any expectations. she was hot but i'd never wanted her, not yet. "HELL, you look like SHIT", she told me when i opened the door. she was all pilled up already, i could tell from the way she talked, a little bit like in slow-motion. i didn't say anything, she came in and sat on the one chair i had in the kitchenette-thing, i went in my room to get dressed. as i did she started yelling so i could hear her.

"SHIT JOAN, I'VE TO TELL YOU, LAST NITE, MY MOM CAUGHT ME."

"CAUGHT YOU?", i yelled back.

"YEAH, AS I CAME IN, SHE WAS AWAKE, I WAS ALL FUCKED UP AND I COULDN'T DISSIMULATE, YA KNOW? SHE COULD TELL RIGHT AWAY, I MEAN, HOW FUCKED UP I WAS. I WAS FUCKIN' TREMBLING FROM THE COKE MAN."

i finished tying my shoe laces and went out of the bedroom into the kitchenette-thing, sat next to her.

"well, what happened then."

"i told her man, i just told her. OKAY MOM, I'M DOING CHEMICALS AGAIN, ARE YA HAPPY NOW? then she started cryin'"

"shit."

"yah", she said, and gave me that expecting look again, but i still didn't know what it was that she wanted me to tell her. i felt sorry for her but at the same time i was thinking, 'you got what you were lookin' for bitch'. we drank all the Sprite i had left and boiled a few eggs, after eating them then we went out. cars were all over and the giant ads on top of buildings were telling us, dare buying this, try buying that.

i lived in an apartment building that was near a bridge, the longest, most elevated bridge in the area. i'd cross it everyday to go to work, the park or else. at least 4 would kill themselves every week jumping off that bridge, and i could see why. it was a very attractive suicide bridge, there was something about the way its fluorescent yellow handrails looked in the dark, plus they were easy to climb and the highway below was a 6 track, impossible to miss. guaranteed death. i knew that if i ever tried suicide again it was going to be that bridge. i was thinking about this when Jazmine said she needed a cigarette. "me too, let's go get some", i replied. there was this little tin stand at the other end of the bridge, it was hardly ever opened but that day it was, and so we went. inside the stand there was a middle-aged black man, except he wasn't really black but purple. i asked him to sell us a pack of Marlboro red and he said he didn't have any.

"just give us any brand, we'll take it", said Jazmine over my shoulder.

"i've no cigarettes" replied the man, but there was a pack of Kools right behind him.

"there's a pack of Kools right behind you" i told him.

"nah, those are for the guys" he said. he was pissed drunk.

"what guys?" i asked. he pointed to the bridge. i figured he meant the winos who lived under it, and i wondered if he was one of them. that would explain his color, his clothing (his filthy sweater had a hole the size of a plate in the chest), and why i'd hardly ever see that tin stand opened. but there was something about it all that didn't quite make sense.

"look man, just give us the cigarettes okay?" said Jazmine in a menacing tone. the man remained quiet and still. then Jazmine lost her temper, she started screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YA MAN, YOU'VE A BUSINESS HERE YOU CAN'T NOT SELL US THE FUCKIN' CIGARETTES! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM EH? LOOK AT YOURSELF MAN YOU ARE COVERED IN RAGS AND YOU WON'T TAKE OUR MONEY?!" when Jaz lost her temper she'd become this stinking beast, it was nauseating to see her pretty face spasming and her arms flapping senselessly, "WHAT GUYS EH? ARE YOU FUCKIN' CRAZY? THERE ARE NO GUYS!!"; i had to drag her away or she would have tried to reach the pack of cigarettes and, who knows what the purple man would have done. as we walked away -Jaz still cursing him- i took one last look at him, he hadn't moved but i thought i recognized shame in his expression. i wanted to kill him, and then her. we needed to go look for Aldo and so we did but we couldn't find him at the park or anywhere around it. luckily though we found Alex and his friend Tom. they were drinking wine and smoking joints, we joined them. Alex was hot, Tom was okay. there were both drunk already, Jazmine was still pilled up and working on the wine and the joints, i was sober but not for long. Jazmine had taught me the fine arts of hustling. for a moment it was pretty nice, I was talking with Alex while Tom and Jaz talked about something else. then i just heard her cursing at him, calling him a cheap bastard, stingy sonofabitch. i quickly found out they were discussing about pills, Tom had some but he didn't want to sell them. they all knew how Jazmine could get so they'd treat her easy, but at some point Tom got fed up and told her to fuck off. she started walking away erratically, hysterically. then she turned around and almost tipped over.

"JOAN, ARE YOU COMIN'?" she yelled. i looked at her and wondered how deep inside her psychosis the real Jazmine was, then i looked at Tom and Alex, their joints and their bottle of wine.

"NO I'M NOT" i replied. she snuffed, cursed at me and left. i wasn't too worried about it.

it ended up being a pretty good night.


we'd often fight and then a few days later we were flattening the streets together again. i'd just go look for her and pretend nothing had happened. this time though, she went looking for me, and after only 2 days. she was outside of my workplace waiting for me to close up, sober. this was very odd behavior, and it kept on going. for example, she hugged me - she'd never touch me unless we were fucked up. then she told me her mother had finally kicked her out of her house and i began understanding what was going on, what had been going on all along. we walked as she told me in full detail what had happened. then she started crying and i tried to comfort her without getting too close. i knew how she was going to do it, i KNEW. Jazmine was a smart woman but it seemed her intelligence was a subordinate to the creature, to the exhibitionistic, schizophrenic, nihilistic, opportunist creature. she couldn't outsmart me though, i wasn't going to let her.

she said she was going to buy me a drink, which was obviously part of her plan, so we went into a bar. we sat down at a booth in the back with the drinks and she kept on whining about her life, crying, and getting closer-and-closer. the way she softly poked my stomach, the way she leaned and the way she breathed; it all felt like the flashes from those nights. it was bound to happen but it wasn't supposed to be like that- it wasn't supposed to mean anything, not with Jazmine. she'd betrayed me. i finished my drink and told her i didn't like that place, that my head hurt and i needed to go home; "let's go" she said. coming out she put her arm around my waist and it felt like watching a ufo landing in your backyard. i kept thinking 'she can't do this' but now that it all made sense i couldn't get myself to think straight. i needed a plan, i needed to tell her something, but what? we were halfway across the bridge and i was immersed in all this when i started feeling dizzy. i stopped walking.

"what's the matter?" she asked.

"i feel weird."

"makes you wanna throw yourself off, eh?" she said, leaning on the handrail. i thought about pushing her. then i thought about fucking her. she'd always kind of reminded me of Nancy but i didn't want to be Sid.

"it's not that" i replied, heaving slightly. we started walking again.

"yah it's a visual thing-- the handrail bars and the space, ya see it?"

until then i'd never seen any visual effect, but then i saw it, the fluorescent yellow bars seemed to move towards me and away from me at the same time, at great speed. i threw up.

"whoa!" she went. "how am i goin' to kiss you now?"

i wanted to say something, i wanted to tell her to go fuck herself go KILL herself but she laughed the way she'd laugh and grabbed me by the hand, then started walking back to the end of the bridge we'd just come from. the shitty tin stand was opened and the purple man was in there, pissed drunk. they didn't remember each other. she bought him a can of coke and gave it to me, i leaned against the handrail and drank a few sips, it was warm - she got close again and before i knew it we were French kissing - her tongue was small and hard and it'd impose itself inside my mouth, it didn't let me breathe it didn't let me THINK, her hand was on me again but it didn't feel alien anymore it was making me hot, the way she caressed my tum. we broke apart and i would have said something but she took out the little white flask and emptied it on her palm: 2 orange pills. "go ahead i've already taken mine". they weren't roofies, i didn't even asked what they were. i took them with the soda thinking 'who the fuck does she think she is?'; but we were kissing again and then she was taking me by the hand to my own apartment. for the first time ever i didn't think at all about jumping off that bridge while crossing it. by the time we got to my place the pills had already kicked in, we went straight in the bedroom, kissing. she undressed me first and made me kneel on the bed - she took of her top and grabbed me from behind, caressing my tits my tum then fingering my pussy, making me moan showing me how it was going to be; "imma fuck all the juice outa ya"; she positioned me on my back, i saw her eagerly taking of her pants -i'd never noticed how sexy her legs were before- and then the panties, her pussy was wet hot and opened - it was no lie. i started tonguing it as she bucked against my face, i think she came then she moved in such a way that she could also tongue me but in the asshole while finger-fucking my pussy hard, i could hear her talking to my asshole but i couldn't make up the words, "we're gonna be great together" i thought i'd heard but it didn't matter because right then everything became noisy of orgasm.

'you got what you were looking for bitch' i thought to myself as she went in the bathroom. she didn't even shut the door closed she just sat on the toilet and pissed looking at me, victorious; i started getting hot again and she noticed. "come 'ere" she said, i did. it was in fact my toilet but i was going to let her. i sat on her lap facing her and stuck my tongue in her mouth.

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