*Previously published in Philae Magazine, Vol. 6, No. 6, 1998.


*DOUBLE-O
BY
KEITH LAUFENBERG


Machines are worshipped because they are beautiful, and valued because they confer power; they are hated because they are hideous, and loathed because they impose slavery.
Bernard Shaw, Arms and the Man. Act iii.




It was just past 8 in the morning and Adam Steinberg's alarm clock rang loudly, on the side table next to his bed. Steinberg was a supervisor working for the government in the huge benefit's department. He had been appointed to the position four years in the past but was worried, as was his entire department, now that a new President of the United States was about to take office. Steinberg was a computer expert and had been hired to clean up the mess the previous administration had manufactured. His first year had been a nightmare but he had caught up in 1997 and things had been running smoothly ever since. Steinberg stumbled into his bathroom and threw some cold water on his face. It had been some celebration, bringing in the new century. He had celebrated along with everyone else in the country but had overdone it. The new year, 2000, had come in on a Sunday and he had started early that day, drinking first at the office and continuing right through until well into the morning and next day. It was a good thing the government offices were shut down for a full week, re-opening that very day, Monday, 2001, at 9 a.m. sharp. Steinberg had just finished his first cup of coffee and was pouring some cereal into a bowl when the phone rang. He snagged it on the second ring.
'Yeah-low, Steinberg here.'�
'Adam, this'iz Ben.'�
'Benny. Baby. What's the good word.'�
'Adam, we got big trouble here, BIG trouble.'�
'Wha''�'�'�.what? Trouble? What are you talkin' about, Ben?'�
'Just what I said. The Uni-9 is malfunctioning. Big-time.'�
'You're at the office? It's not even half past. The You-knee-nine?'�
'Yeah, I thought somethin' like this might happen. Remember, I warned you about this chip.'�
'Chip, what chip?'�
'The calendar change-chip. It's malfunctioning. The phones are ringin' off the hook. People are gettin' checks for the wrong amounts, people aren't gettin' 'em at all. People are gettin' billed the wrong amounts. People are gettin' other peoples' bills, addresses all fouled up, birth dates, every-damn-thing. I warned you Adam, the Uni-9 is not going to accept the calendar change-chip. It's chokin' on data it can't recognize. I heard from a warden in California, he's gettin' parole notices for guys that haven't served a fraction of their sentences. The double zero is gonna cost us our jobs, Adam. I warned you, remember? I warned you?'�
Steinberg lit a cigarette and exhaled audibly. He scowled and growled:
'Ben! Calm down. I'll be right down. Gee-zuz.'�

*********

John Franklin strolled to the automatic teller's window and inserted his card. He put in his code, then pushed a one and two zero's. He needed a hundred dollars for some groceries. He smiled when the first bill came out, then frowned when they kept coming.
'Shee-it, damn mow-sheen. Pro'blee payin' me in tens. Hell, I'�'�'�'�'�'�..
Franklin's eyes expanded when he saw that the bills were hundreds, He grabbed them and started counting. He had ten and figured he had made a mistake when he realized he only had seven hundred dollars in his account He was stymied when he noticed the bills were still coming out. He reached for them and smiled. Hundreds. Five minutes later, John J. Franklin smiled widely as he counted out one hundred bills with another Franklin's picture on them, Benjamin's. He had ten thousand dollars in his hands and his smile widened when his receipt popped out. He had been charged for withdrawing only a hundred dollars. Franklin headed for his battered '91 pickup. It must be a sign, he pondered as he turned his key and headed for the race-track.

*********

Doris Belkin was curious. Her social security check was usually for a thousand dollars but this one seemed to be for only a hundred. She squinted her eyes and could barely make out the letters. Her grandson walked into the room and she hissed:
'Petey, have you seen my glasses?'�
'No, Gra'maw, I sure ain't.'�
As he walked to the breakfast table, his grandmother waved her hand and said:
'Pete, dear. What does this say? Did they mess up my check, again? It's sup'pose tah be fer a thousin'. Looks like ah hun'nerd.'�
Peter Belkin Jr.'s eyes widened and he gulped.
'Geez Gra'maw, this check's fer ah hun'nerd thousin' bucks. I think you hit the jackpot.'�
Doris Belkin smiled and said;
'Maybe now I kin get me some real glasses.'�
'Gra'maw. If they cash this thing you kin buy the store.'�
The seventy year old's smile widened. It was about time her luck changed.

*********

The new President of the United States scowled at the director and inhaled deeply, as the director rasped:
2
'Sir, it's our only choice. We have to order a comple shut-down on all the computers that have yet to crash; felons are at this very moment being released. The computers are just not dealing with the new year, sir, ah-er-um-ah, that is the new chip they installed has apparently malfunctioned. Traffic lights are malfunctioning. Sir, it's a nightmare, a real nightmare.
The new President stood up and frowned. His head swiveled around quickly, darting first in one direction, then the other. He looked like a man lost in traffic, the director pondered silently. Suddenly he ran to the window and stared out, then roared:
'It'us the democrats, the democrats. They sab-bah-taged me. I knew it. I knew it. Why else would they move the inauguration up two weeks. They musta done this. Call a meeting, Stu'. Call a meeting. I need all my advisors, all my advisors.'�
'Ah, excuse me sir, but the entire communication network seems to be, well, that is, we, ah-er-um-ah, can't seem to get through to any of our offices.'�
The President slumped down into his oversized chair, inadvertently pushing a lever that jerked the seat backwards into an incline position, almost completely horizontal.
Stuart Harding, the new President's new director of another newly formed Intelligence Agency turned to address his boss and frowned. He was nowhere in sight. Harding looked towards the door, which was closed, then couldn't suppress a smile when he heard a commotion coming from beneath the president's large desk and watched as the new commander-in-chief crawled out from underneath it.


















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