Patient 314
Like an angel of pulsating desire she seemed to hungrily move towards me. Her purple dress billowed around her, and her ebony hair blew backwards over her shoulders baring her agile neck. This beauty whispered in my head, telling me that she was the person who would save me. 'Wake up man, come on!' With brilliant blue eyes of diamond and sapphire she stared into my eyes, seemingly pouring her soul out to me with so much power it streamed towards me, a purple swirling mass of roses. It was as if in that moment I understood exactly who she was and what she wanted from me.
'Heart rate 82 BPM, vitals are stable.'
She was walking on water, gliding across the white sand, her sexuality emanating from every pore with a faint purple wisp. She was floating, a weightless figure over water. With every movement she was even more beautiful to me; in my mind she was Christmas morning, a time of mystery and intrigue but with an undeniable beauty that could never be understood. 'Christmas morning, get real man.'
As she reached my sinewy frame I admired every millimetre of her perfect face. Her lips were perfection, a shade of pink only seen in dreams. 'This is a dream, wake the hell up!' She truly was a goddess, for no human could have a face as beautiful as this. She held out her hand to me, offering it, as if she were offering every part of her being. I carefully wrapped my bony fingers around hers, afraid that any heavy movement would tarnish her beauty. 'She'll hurt you, wake up and stop her.' For the first time in my entire pathetic existence I moved my lips closer towards her, gently placing an embrace upon her forehead, cherishing every moment like it was the last time I would ever feel this. The moment repeated over and over again, I was out of body seeing us from different angle after angle. In this moment there was only us, the entire world melted away in my beating heart and there would only ever be her. I could not see the beach anymore, only us amongst the stars. I succumbed to her every wish, doing whatever she wanted in that moment. 'Be a man, you don't need her, live your life!' I had reached what can only be described as nirvana and her eyes were the goddess' blessing my soul. Desire raged through me, controlling every movement from my little toe to my lips on hers; I was completely merciless at her feet, this luminous angel engulfing me.
'Johnny honey? Johnny? Wake up.'
Her every touch washed waves of ecstasy over my entire body; I saw the waves rippling up over me, like when one pokes a finger into a peaceful pond and watches the ripples. I had never imagined that this feeling could ever take hold of me as much as it did. I did think though, what if I was not worthy of this woman's undeniable beauty? 'You're not so just leave her now!' As if she had read my thoughts she turned her lips to my ear and let out the sweetest sounding voice that I had ever heard in my worthless life. She softly whispered, 'I am yours, always and forever'¦for eternity'. At this instance nothing could touch me; I was untouchable. All the pain and hardship of my bored, adolescent life seemed to drain away in the presence of this perfect woman. The white scars upon my arms faded upon her touch; she was cleansing my being, removing all traces of the past from me. I looked at my arm, the colour was normal now; the mass of white lines no longer there. I thought of what a mad world this was; throughout my entire existence I had been vulnerable and alone, forever in the darkness an easy target for the harsh world of light. But now I was no longer a lower being she had raised me to her level of excellence. 'Please see that this isn't real.' I was floating above the ground with her now.
'You can't be there anymore, come back to us.'
It was as if she had a heightened sense that my mind was wondering back to the past; the woman wrapped her arms around my bony shoulders, kissed my neck tenderly, seemingly extracting all of who I used to be, a trail of black left me like a stream of steaming liquid. I was completely powerless now, her beauty was too much for me, and the thought of losing this precious entity tore my heart into a thousand jagged pieces. 'There's no point, she isn't real, come out of this, she's not there anymore!' Knowing that the act of her moving away from me would turn me into a desolate empty shell, she held my hand tighter and turned away to look at the ocean. 'She'll just leave you, remember.'
'Speak to me baby, not her she isn't the one who loves you, we are.'
The dark ocean waves roared in my ears. The tumble and crash of the sea lulled me into a sense of security. I was weightless in her presence; my feet didn't even touch the floor. All I saw as I looked to the wide ocean was a swirling mass of blue and black, a twisting turmoil of the ghosts of my past; I could see their faces, now disappearing below the watery surface. This combination of beauty mixed with the fear of losing the one thing that made me complete created within me a kind of torn heart; a gap of some creation. All I could feel as I looked out to the dark abyss was what if this was all there was to life? 'Wake up and you'll find out, do it now!' What if she left me now, completely alone? What would be the point of living anymore? 'Wake up and you'll find life.' The tumble of emotions within me mimicked the ocean. It was a massive swirling vortex and only when I looked upon her radiance could I settle this mass of thoughts within me.
'Why won't he listen to me?'
She turned to me and placed her hand delicately upon my forehead. Parting her perfect smile she spoke to me, her voice rising and falling with the ocean.
'Lover, there is no need to be scared anymore. I am yours now, forever and even after that; all the fear can melt away. I will never leave you, never hurt you, and never again let you feel the pain that has clung to you for years. You are true perfection in my eyes, you may wonder what I see in you, but I see you and that is worth more than money and looks. 'Wake up and get real for God's sake.' There will be no need for the knives anymore, no need to scrape that blade across your skin and watch the blood pour to floor. I am not something that you can never have, I am yours completely, and every fibre of my being will be shared with you, always and forever. I will never get bored of you; your little insecurities make me want you. I will love you forever'¦' 'This is rubbish and you know it, wake up and see it!'
Hearing her say these words unleashed the romantic that had been dormant within me throughout my years. I opened my mouth to shout everything that I felt for her but she pressed her elegant finger to my chapped lips and opened her mouth to speak,
'No my honey, we are passed talk there is only us now, words cannot describe what we share. All I know is that I hear your words, your heart beat.' 'She doesn't want you properly.'
'Stop listening to her, please Johnny. God just listen to me for once.'
I obeyed her words, my heart still pulsated within me, through my shirt I could see my heart beating through my skin. My heart swelled as I watched her chest rise and fall as she breathed, everything about her gave me permanent butterflies pounding inside. It seemed to me that together we were perfection. I wondered why I had never had this feeling before, why no matter how many girls I had obsessed over, why had this feeling never been achieved? 'It's not real, this feeling is completely false.' These thoughts fleeted through my mind mixed with flashes of ecstasy as I looked upon her glorious frame. 'Here my thoughts, please just listen.' Our palms were entwined and we stared out to the ocean, not needing to speak or move I only needed her.
'You don't need her, let her go now, you don't want to be with her.'
It seemed as if hours had passed, but I could not be entirely sure of the time; being with her took all the pettiness of time away. We were a never ending circle, hours and minutes no longer applied. They all melted away in front of my eyes. In the eternity of my soul there was only us; an infinite tunnel of nirvana, where the outside world could never touch. I saw us walking down it, into never ending darkness. A fear that I would lose her coursed through me like electric signals increasing the anxiety with each moment. 'Forget her, she's not real man.' But as soon as she caressed my fingers everything melted away. In that moment I realised that this woman would never leave me, never hurt my fragile soul, never burn me like all the others. 'How can you believe this?'
We were wrapped in an eternal embrace. A never ending cycle of divine wonderment surrounded us. I felt a blanket form around my shoulders, holding me tight. We would be together forever; her own words had granted me clarity. 'Who needs clarity?' I repeated to myself that there was no need to worry anymore, all the past relationships had faded now, there was nothing there anymore; now only the two of us. Always and forever she had said; those words circled my mind continuously never leaving my psyche. I smiled to myself, always and forever, always and forever'¦
'It can't be forever, she's dead.'
'Johnny please wake up, please, I'm your mother, choose me over her.'
'Come on students, lots to see, ah this next patient is Jonathan Kellish. Johnny, as I have come to know him, suffers from Post Hallucinogenic Perceptual Disorder. He has been here with us for two years now and is a particularly special and interesting case amongst the psych ward. As you can see his parents regularly visit him to speak to him, this is an attempt that I have advised so that Johnny may eventually react to their voices. Within his head Johnny believes that he is still in a relationship his former a girlfriend a Miss Sarah Langworth. As far as we have been able to determine from parents, friends etc Johnny changed when Miss Langworth ended their relationship suddenly; this was the spark off for his condition. Johnny was sent to a Dr Thornton his local psychiatrist who diagnosed him with depression following the relationship's demise and was prescribed anti-depressants. Now we have determined that this was the wrong course of action to take. Johnny was in the beginning stages of developing PHPD. Through his diary we have discovered that the delusions began on his 17th birthday, two days after the end of the relationship. Now, as I previously mentioned, Johnny is a special case; unlike other PHPD sufferers who have many hallucinations, he now has only one; from what we have been able to determine it involves the first time he and Miss Langworth met at a beach party six years ago. At the beginning of his illness Johnny had around seven different hallucinations which were documented in his diary. The aforementioned diary documents these hallucinations and how it progressed from the early stages of his illness. We can never be entirely sure of the extreme details of his hallucination, the diary was partially destroyed by Johnny in a fit of rage on September 21st 1999 and the events that spun on from this are why he is here in St Johns Hospital. From what Mr and Mrs Kellish have been able to tell us, Johnny was in a fit of rage that night having seemingly suffered from a severe hallucination, whence upon returning to reality he realised that his hallucination with Miss Langworth was not real. Realisation that the hallucination is not real is what creates anger in most PHPD patients this is something that you should focus upon when studying this type of illness. In Johnny's case his violence became aimed at Miss Langworth, who in his fragile mind had completely destroyed him by ending their four year relationship. His parents unable to stop him, Johnny attacked Miss Langworth at her home; the result of this attack was her death. This great trauma pushed Johnny's mind to the limits and he retreated into his mind to his hallucination and has never come out of it. As you can see he has no reaction to light, or to any form of treatment. He does however appear to hear our voices but chooses not to register this in his head. This is PHPD at its foremost extreme. We are not entirely aware of what it is that Johnny sees but in my opinion I think he is in complete denial of her death and has resorted to his fantasy to keep himself alive. Within his mind I believe that the real Johnny is in there, but this disorder has created such havoc in his brain that he can no longer comprehend or understand himself.'
'Now students any questions? Nope, ok well we must move on quickly, the next patient is Mrs Grander'¦'
