It was a running joke to ask my English teachers in high school, 'What if you don't know how to speak English?'� just before an English test. I speak English just fine, but it seems that if I put anything on paper I become self conscious. I have never been told that I am not good at writing. When I turn to my parents for revision or even a friend, they usually laugh and I feel it is not quite up to par. Having been an outgoing person my entire life, it surprises even myself how self conscious I can be. My writing does not necessarily measure who I am, although I try to make it so, but still I have never felt comfortable with my writing skills.
As I write any paper, I think more about what it is going to sound like to my peers or teacher, than the actual topic. Maybe this is a big reason why I am scared of sharing my paper. Even as I write this essay, I am worried about what my classmates are going to say or think about it.
I get this assignment and what is the first thing I do? Freak out! Automatically, my thoughts are, 'Why do have to write this paper? Why do I have to post this? What am I going to write about?'� I realize that many people are going to write about their worst fears or something deep about their life. My worst fear is not this paper, but writing. Writing and being judged for my writing, or is it more?
My friends once described me in a Young Women's lesson as the one who is always trying to be different. For the first time in my life I realized that I was constantly trying to be different. My eyes were opened to something I had never seen before. Because I had felt inferior I chose to not follow anyone, so that I never seemed less than anyone. I used to blame my lack of participation on lack of competitiveness, but it is really about fear of self-image.
Why do I even care? My best friend Jessica is beautiful, smart, and funny; she has a beautiful singing voice, and is all around a great person. Natalie, another best friend is a genius when it comes to math and English. She would probably like to write this paper for me just so she can spill her gorgeous concrete thoughts onto paper. Basically, I feel inferior to my friends. They all stand out, and are all well balanced, well thought out, absolutely beautiful (that is not an exaggeration from a kind friend), and they are great people. My ACT scores were good for me, but every one of my friends did better than me. My high school GPA was great, but not valedictorian worthy like Natalie. I do not believe I am not a good person, or that I am worthless at all. I do tend to feel just one notch under all of my friends, at most times.
I love to sing, but all of my friends were in choir all through high school and are much better skilled than me. While listening to me sing in the car one would never guess I did not think I could sing well. Writing in my journal for an hour is no difficult or strenuous challenge, but when it is a task for others to analyze I suddenly loose all joy in writing. My friends and parents are excellent writers. I feel that I should not even begin to attempt a masterpiece of my own because it will not even compare to their work. I never played school sports, not because I did not enjoy sports but because I was scared to be bad at them. When I was young I played piano, quit, and picked it back up in high school to learn a beautiful but difficult song that I was very passionate about. After a year of learning this piece, Hailey picked up my book and played the song for the first time nearly as good as me. I was blown away. This song took me months to master, and here she was sight reading my piano piece! Even after I quit for a few years I expected to be great at this piece compared to everyone else, and I suddenly was shown up. Dancing used to be one of my favorite things to do. Now the moment my friends and I approach the dance floor all eyes are on Rebecca as she blows everybody away with her awesome dance moves. Automatically I assume that I am a bad dancer, when in all actuality I am a good dancer, just not as good as her. Comparing others talents to my own has been a challenge to me, but it has challenged me to find my own talents.
Snowboarding, wakeboarding, kayaking, rock climbing, river rafting, windsurfing, spelunking, surfing, and wake-surfing. I can do more outdoor sports than most people I know. These are my favorite outdoor sports. None of my friends can say they have tried even half of these sports. I am no expert, but as soon as I get a chance to talk about 'my' sports I become cheerful, confident, and even a bit conceited. Why this sudden confidence? There are not many people to compare myself to, therefore I have talent. Talents that are interesting spark the curiosity of others and soon they want to hear about what I do because it is unusual. I am no cookie cutter copy of just any form of girl.
My parents brought me into these sports and I have been so grateful for the chance to feel I am good at something. Just the fact that I can do some of these sports difficult sports is talent to me. Other people are so impressed that I have tried and succeeded in these uncommon sports. My confidence becomes immediately boosted at the praise from others. Suddenly I have more worth in my eyes.
Am I confident or self-conscious? Both seem to be dominant in me, depending on the situation. I fear to loose one of those qualities in danger of having too much strength in the other. It may be a good thing that I am not the greatest writer, singer, dancer, or piano player. I have my own talents, but if I were good at everything I did, I would not be humbled. Some of the most difficult people to be around are excellent at everything they do. Everybody envies them. Sure, it may be admirable, but who enjoys being with a person who is perfect? My failures and achievements have given me character, and made me who I am. Apart from physical talents I have intellectual talents that would not be there if I was perfect at everything I tried. My caring nature comes when I feel for others losses, and I would not sympathize for the less talented given my experiences. My successes have given me the ability to be excited for others and encourage them to do their very best so they can feel the same joy I have felt in succeeding.
Through every disappointment and accomplishment I have become the person I am today. I have my own talents, personality traits, and stories to tell. My experiences have taught me lessons I could not have learned without failure. I did not get up on a wakeboard my first try, or my second try, but at least I tried until I succeeded. I was once bad at the things that I am now good at. I cannot expect to become great at everything, but hopefully I can except that this paper will not be perfect. It may be the worst paper in the class, but maybe it can be my best. All I can do is make my best effort, and do my very best.

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