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Charlie and Me
The mud sucked at my bare feet while I knelt, silent with shock. Rain poured over me like barrels of water being turned over at the same time. I fingered my red calico dress, breathing heavily. My fingers curled under my palm and pressed into it so hard that I almost drew blood.
Suddenly I felt a hand grasp my wet shoulder. I knew it must be my husband, Charlie. He knelt down beside me and put his arms around mine.
'I know, Jane.' That was all he said as he hugged me tight against his chest and pressed his cheek next to mine. 'There will be others, Darling,' he cooed. After a long pause he added, 'The funeral will be tomorrow.'
'No! They can't put my baby in the ground! She'll suffocate!' I wasn't ready to accept the fact that my little daughter, Sarah, not yet three months old, was dead. My first baby, our little girl! I was only sixteen then, and just barely. Charlie was seventeen. We'd been married for a year. We were so young, too young to be parents. Maybe that's why God took our little girl, I don't know, but right then, I told myself that she wasn't dead.
'Jane, Darling, she can't suffocate when she's dead already.' Charlie sighed and pulled me onto his lap. He was so strong, I noticed for some reason, despite his scrawny, thin appearance.
I just laughed and laughed. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt, and suddenly the reality hit me. My roars of mirth turned into screams and sobs of sorrow. No, no, no! She was dead! This was all wrong! Plenty of women lost babies, but not me! It wasn't fair! I pressed my face against Charlie's strong chest and cried my heart out.
My wonderful husband just held me, and I think, though he wouldn't admit it, he cried to. For his baby, his little girl, and for me, for all my sadness and sorrow.
Oh, I don't know how all those men put up with the women when they lost babies. The women that wouldn't admit that their little children were dead. I think those men deserved a lot more than they got! I sure know Charlie did. But right now we were together. We'd help each other through hard times.
I smiled sadly at my husband. I knew he must be hurting just as bad as I was. Tears came to my eyes again. I pressed my face next to his and closed my eyes. Letting out a soft sob, I gripped his hand. My dear Charlie held my hand gently. When I opened my eyes I could see tears running down his cheeks, mixed in with the droplets of rain. Without saying a word, we were comforting each other.
We must have looked an awful sight, but that could be excused. After all, we'd just lost our first child. So we just sat there and cried on the big muddy prairie that afternoon in late March 1882. Just Charlie and me, mourning over our tiny child who was in Heaven now. Yes, she was in Heaven. The thought comforted me some. It still left an empty ache in my heart, but that sting of betrayal by God was gone. My baby was in Heaven, and now it was just Charlie and me.
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Comment by: Misha2 - 2008-06-15 00:24
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For a fifteen-year-old you certainly have a talent for writing. Good for you!
Is this part of a longer story? Wasn't sure what time frame Jane was telling the story in. In the beginning it felt like she was telling it not long after the death of their child but a bit in the middle and at the end, it felt as though she was a much older person recounting what happened many many years before.
I've made a few suggestions below. Words in brackets, I'd suggest removing. Tightens the writing, I think, and doesn't take anything away from the story. Bear in mind, I'm not a professional and these are merely suggestions to think about.
Again, you show a great maturity for your young age, and keep writing!
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My fingers curled under my palm and pressed into it so hard (that) I almost drew blood.
(Suddenly I felt a)A hand graspED my wet shoulder. I knew it must be my husband, Charlie. He knelt (down) beside me and put his arms around (mine) ME?. TRYING TO PICTURE HIM PUTTING HIS ARMS AROUND HER ARMS? SOUNDS RATHER AWKWARD, TO ME.
'I know, Jane.' That was all he said as he hugged me tight (against his chest) and pressed his cheek (next) to mine. 'There will be others, Darling,' he cooed. 'COOED' DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT TO ME.
I wasn't ready to accept (the fact) that my little daughter, Sarah, not yet three months old, (was dead) HAD DIED. My first baby, our little girl(!) I was only sixteen then, and just barely. Charlie was seventeen. We'd been married for a year. SO SHE WAS MARRIED WHEN SHE WAS FIFTEEN AND THE HUSBAND SIXTEEN?
I pressed my face against Charlie's strong chest and cried my heart out. IS SHE STILL ON HIS LAP HERE? IF SHE IS, HE MUST BE QUITE A BIT TALLER THAN HER TO BE ABLE TO PRESS HER FACE AGAINST HIS CHEST?
My wonderful husband just held me, and I think, though he wouldn't admit it, he cried (to) TOO.
Oh, I don't know how all those men put up with the women when they lost babies. The women that wouldn't admit that their little children were dead. I think those men deserved a lot more than they got! IS THIS SOMETHING ONE WOULD ACTUALLY THINK AT A TIME LIKE THIS?
I smiled sadly at my husband. I knew he must be hurting just as bad as I was. Tears came to my eyes again. YOU USE 'EYES' THREE TIME IN THIS PARAGRAPH. HOW ABOUT: THE TEARS RETURNED? I pressed my face (next) to his and closed my eyes. |
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Comment by: - 2006-05-25 01:49
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| It's really good. The only problem I saw was the last line where it says Charlie and me. Shouldn't that be Charlie and I? As perpetual said, never give up writing. |
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| Thank you! I've changed it now to be like a tiny prick of acceptance mixed in with all the sadness. But they are still deep in mourning! Thank you again for your advice! |
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Comment by: - 2006-04-21 20:01
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This is a touching story, Anna. And again, this being the second story of yours that I've read, you have tremendous talent for your age.
I really liked this, but I feel that her 'sorrow to acceptance' was to brisk. I'd write more and show her healing. A woman who lost her child (I know a few who did) do not go from anguish to smiling and walking away so quickly. Just try to make it a little more gradual. A little more dialogue near the end is my suggestion.
Anyway, thanks for this. And whatever you do, don't ever give up writing. Best wishes, Lee |
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