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alisha
alisha b.
United States, missouri

Words: 2098
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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the nite shift?

Beep. The convienience store's door alarm snapped Persephone out of the deeply pensive state the entire hour of solitude the graveyard shift had left her in. She looked up and was intrigued to see a boy of about twelve with shaggy blonde curls, baggy worn and patched up Levi's, and a Grateful Dead tie-dye. He must have seen her checking the parking lot for some sort of parental figure who might have driven him there, because he .said, "I know what you're going to say and NO it's NOT past my bedtime."

 "Don't get defensive. I wasn't going to ask that. I was wondering how you got here though. You don't appear to be of driving age."

 "I hitched."

"Did you run away from home?"

"No. I don't have anywhere to run from."

"Are you homeless then?"

 "I think of it more as homefree, but whatever, yeah. No worries though. I'm not alone in this world. It's just that my dad got arrested a couple of days ago. We agreed it would probably be best for me not to stick around and wait for him. I don't want to end up in the foster care system or anything. Man, I hate the government sometimes."

"So where are you headed?"

"Illinois."

"You're almost there then."

"Yep. The spot where we are meeting up is just about three hours from here."

Persephone thought a moment. She was off tomorrow. She had nothing else to do. Maybe she should offer the kid a ride. It would be terrible not to help someone in need when absolutely nothing stopped her from doing so. Besides, the boy was the most interesting person she had met in a long time, she wasn't ready for him to exit her life just yet.

 "I know it's probably not very hard for you to get rides being so young and all but if you don't mind waiting a couple of hours until I get off work, I'd be happy to drive you where you need to go."

"That would be awesome. Do you know of a place I could squat for the rest of the nite?"

"If you like you can crash out in my car. It's the blue Ford Tempo out there. It's not locked."

"Great. I need something to eat first. You haven't got any food you're going to throw away have you?"

 "There are some hotdogs on the grill over there."

 "Yuck."

 "Beggars can't be choosers."

 "Oh, c'm'on."

 "Well I guess you can take a little something off the shelf. I wouldn't let just anyone do that though. Feel special. I'm Persephone, by the way."

 "I'm Jesse, Persephone. It's very cool to meet you."

"Ditto."

 Jesse picked out a can of vegetable soup and a bag of peanut butter crackers and headed out to Persephone's car. She wondered what kind of father would let his twelve year old child hitchhike across the country. She couldn't imagine letting her kid do something like that. Not that she had one.

It was great that that she was being so kind. He couldn't help but wonder though, what was in it for her? What was it about him that made her want want to spend the rest of her day with him? He ate his food and looked through the c.d. holder attached to the visor before taking his care-worn Ninja Turtle blanket out of his back pack and stretching out in the back seat to go to sleep

"Sorry I'm late,I couldn't find my keys."  Max, Persephone's co-worker walked in the door at 6:05, just as the sun was starting to rise.

 "No big deal." She would have meant it too, if she wasn't so anxious to see what the day would unfold. By the time she finished her paperwork it was 6:30. She decided to stop by her house before starting out on their journey.

"Mmmm? Jesse grumbled, mostly still asleep. "Where are we?"

"My house. I wanted to take a quick shower. Do you mind?"

"Not at all. Can I take one next?"

 "Of course."

Once she left the room Jesse began to explore. There wasn't a whole lot to see in the way of decor, everything was plain and simple. The house was kept tidy, but not overly so. The furnature was clean and fairly new but nothing extravagant. The bookshelf in the living room caught his interest, as did any bookshelf he ever happened upon. There was some J.D. Salinger, Anne Rice, Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson, as well as some history and ecology. He noticed that she had two copies of a Dylan Thomas poetry collection, so he slipped one in his backpack. He hadn't read much Thomas and had always meant to. After the bookshelf, he moved on  to the refridgerator.

It took a couple of minutes to decide what to wear after her shower. Normally, she would have grabbed whatever was easier to pull off the hanger but today she wanted to make a good impression. She felt silly about it, it seemed pretty unlikely that a twelve year old homeless kid would care what she wore. The outfit she ended up choosing was something she probably would have put on even if she hadn't put any thought into it. It was a plain black cotton dress that fell halfway between her knees and her ankles. There were sandles on her feet and a blue scrunchy held back her long wavy light brown hair.

In the living room Jesse was eating some fruitloops out of the box by the handful. The tv was on what appeared to be PBS, and there was a Wal-mart bag full of cheese, bread, chips, and soda on the coffee table. "I see you made yourself at home."

"I guess. I figured we might get hungry later," he nodded toward the bag. "And, well, I was still a little hungry now. So the showers free?"

"Yeah, go for it."

 "Hey, Persephone?" He called from behind the bathroom door a moment later.

"Yes?"

"Will you wash my clothes?"

 "Sure, just throw them out in the hallway."

She wrinkled her nose as she carried them to her washer. They probably hadn't been cleaned in months. Erin, the calico cat that lived there looked up from her nap on top of the dirty clothes pile. "Who is this new person in the house?" The expression on her face seemed to ask.

"Would you mind putting on your seatbelt before we take off?"

"Sure. Is it all right if I smoke in your car?"

"You're like twelve!"

"That isn't what I asked. I know how old I am. I will be thirteen in two weeks."

"I guess it's okay if you do. For the record though, I think you are way too young to smoke."

"Even if I was as old as you, it would still be unhealthy for me to smoke. Hell, it's probably healthier for me to smoke now than if I was thirty. I'm more resilient at this age. I will quit before I get too much older."

"I'm not sure but I think you just accused me of being thirty. I'm twenty-seven, I'll have you know. So why Illinois?"

"My sister is there."

"You don't have a mom?"

"Well, I guess the lady who gave birth to me would probably fall under that catergory. But I've never met her, other than the nine months I where I lived in her womb and all. She didn't want me. My dad had to convince her not to get an abortion. She told him to pick either her or me because if she gave birth to me, he was keeping me and she wanted nothing to do with it. And he picked me, who he didn't even know, over her. So I guess she couldn't have been all that great."

"That's so sad. Did your dad tell you all of this?"

"I think my sister brought it up first.  My dad confirmed it when I asked about it."

"Is your sister older or younger than you?"

"Older. She's seventeen. She isn't my biological sister. She couldn't be, my dad is only twenty-eight. My dad and her mom were together for almost five years, until she died a year ago. What about you? Do you have parents or siblings?"

"I have a roommate."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"No, he's gay. As for parents, I was raised in the foster care sytem you spoke so highly of earlier."

"You're mom didn't want you either then?"

"She did. I think so atleast. She's, um, in a mental institution."

"Oh." He looked like maybe he had something to say but decided against it.  "I'm hungry."

"Again? You just ate a whole bunch of fruit loops two hours ago."

"I'm a growing boy."

"What about the bread and cheese you packed?"

"Eh, I want pizza."

"No offense, but I've done quite a bit for you already. Are you really asking me to buy you a pizza?"

"No. You don't have to. It's my treat this time."

"Okay..."

Persephone was confused but got of the interstate at the next exit anyway. She pulled into a Little Caeser's parking lot. It was not opened yet. "I guess you're out of luck. "

"Why?"

"It's too early. They are closed."

"So. Drive around back."

She looked at him questioningly for a moment, and then she got it. "Ew, you aren't going to food out of the dumpster are you? That's gross."

"No it's not. I do it all the time. The pizza's in a box, it's not touching anything. You can find all kinds of food in dumpsters. Once my dad and I found almost three whole cases of beer behind a Food Lion. And before you say something about me being not old enough to drink, I don't okay."

He found a cheese pizza right on top. Persephone watched him devour half of it before she decided to try a slice. After all, it didn't seem to be hurting him any.

She followed Jesse's directions until they pulled up at FernValley Mental Health Center at around 11 a.m.. The building was an old brick one. Each window pane had a closed navy blue curtain in front of it, as if the residents had lost their wills to even look outside, to dream and hope for something better beyond the confines of their rooms. The fenced in yard was overgrown with weeds. There was a rust covered swingset and a picnic table missing it's benches.

"Were you planning on having me committed?"

"This is where my sister is."

"Perhaps you might have mentioned that before. What if I was sensative about my mom and had some sort of issue with mental institution parking lots?"

"Um, do you?"

"No."

"Well I guess I apologize for not telling you in advance that we were coming here."

"It's all right. It's not like I have to go in or anything."

"Actually, would you mind? If they think you're her guardian they might release her into your custody. I don't think they would let her leave with just me."

"I'm pretty sure they would want some sort of proof that I'm her guardian. I'll try though." There was a sign on the door stating that if you were a visitor and did not have an entry code to push the red button and an attendant would be arrive as soon as possible. The door opened though, without much effort when Jesse pushed on the handle.

The corridor leading to the main lobby was dimly lit. The walls were lined with several very dusty Monet reprints. The receptionist was at his small clutter, reading a Spin magizine.

"Hello. I'm Jesse Tormey. This is my aunt Persephone. We're here to see my sister Lenore Tanner."

"Um, okay, just a second." He looked nervous as he found a nurse or someone who appeared to be employed there. They whispered to each other for a moment. He returned looking no less nervous.

"It seems that your niece ran away yesterday ma'am."

"How could you let that happen? Is anyone looking for her?"

"Well, we did alert the police, but since she isn't considered dangerous, I'm not sure if they are looking for her. I'm sure someone would have notified you but..."

"Hey!" Another employee, an older lady in red scrubs yelled. "I told you a year ago never to set foot in this building again! Security!"

"We should probaly run now! Jesse said, already grabbing Persephone's wrist and pulling her towards the exit.


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Comments  
megabyte800 Comment by: megabyte800 - 2006-05-10 21:24
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Liked the addition, but it needs to be formatted; I'm sure you just haven't gotten around to that yet.

Although it was an amazing display of trust on Persephone's part to take Jesse home with her, I think that having her attempt to pose as a relative to help him spring his sister from a mental institution may be stretching it a little. Although this could be conceivable later, it might be worthwhile to develop their relationship further before placing them in this situation.

At the same time, I could also understand if this blind trust and complusiveness was utilized as a theme for the piece. If this is the case, it might be helpful to subtly clue the reader into this.

Good work, keep it up!

-Andrew
William de Rham Comment by: William de Rham - 2006-05-05 06:32
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I liked this story, especially the relationship you created between the two characters. I would agree with everything everyone has said so far. But I do have some suggestions of my own. First, you need to check for typos as well as spelling and syntax errors. For example, I'm not sure that Beep should be in quotes, since it's a sound and not a words being spoken by a character. Second, I actually found the dialogue a little rough and unbelievable in places. For example, "you don't appear to be of driving age" is an awfully formal way of saying "you look too young to drive." It's not that you can't have your character speak formally. She can speak any way you want her to. But it has to be supported by the character herself and I'm not seeing that here. I'm not getting that she's a really formal person. Finally, you're doing a lot of telling rather than showing, especially in the first paragraph which, beause it is the first, could use some simplification to make it easier for us to access. For example, you tell us she's intrigued by the boy, but wouldn't it be more interesting if you showed us. It's difficult to explain what I mean without an example, so I'm going to do one with the first paragraph. (Please understand: I'm NOT saying this is how the paragraph should be. This is your story. I'm simply trying to illustrate what I mean by showing rather than telling.)

BEEEEEEEEEEEP. The Gas n' Go's front door buzzer snapped her out of her reverie. She looked up. The boy standing before her transformed the dreamy expression on her face to one of intrigue.

Like I said, its only an example of what I mean by show, don't tell. I hope this has been helpful. Keep writing. You've got lots to say.
megabyte800 Comment by: megabyte800 - 2006-05-01 21:19
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I agree with the previous comment - I, too, think that further development of Persiphone's psychological connection to Jesse would strengthen the story. I also would have liked to gain a better understanding of their surroundings, like whether the convenience store was nice or run-down, or the state of Persiphone's house, messy, clean, whatever. I've always thought that good scene description and imagery helps set the tone of the story, and that it can even help develop the characters.

Jesse's unusually-advanced vocabulary and diction is a great hook; it really had me interested in what was going on with this kid. Furthermore, I admire your skill with dialogue. That has always been one of my weak points.
Teri Comment by: Teri - 2006-04-23 03:47
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Hi,

I don't watch TV so I have no idea what "Degrassi" is, but I see tons and tons of promise here. I have some nitpicks and suggestions:

grateful dead - Grateful Dead

Illinios - Illinois

Persiphone thought a moment.She - space between the full stop and "She"

absolutly - absolutely

don't' mind waiting a couple of hours until i get off work - don't and the "I" should be capitalized

nite - night

ford tempo - Ford Tempo

kind of father would let her twelve year old child - his twelve year old child

She couldnt' - couldn't

ment it too - meant

cofee table - coffee

The expression on her face - his face

I know these are minor things, but as this is a writers site, things seem to stand out more. Plus, it would smooth out the flow to your story.

I'd also explain a little more why the main character felt such a pull towards Jesse. What is missing from her life that she feels she has to take this strange, dirty child into her care? You mention she has no children, but no mention as to her approximate age or life.

Again, I realize watching the show would probably help me understand things more, but (and this is merely a suggestion), I'd move this into something more your own and away from the show. You have talent, and it shines through here. There's no reason why you can't dig deeper into your imagination and make these characters your own. Give us, your readers, more of what this person is about. And continue with the story because I'd really love to see where you could take us next.

I'm sincere in my sentiments. With a little polishing and fleshing out of the characters, you'll have something very good here. So keep writing! :)
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