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hibakusha
the Hibakusha are bad grafitti, sour scrawls. i do not see them, i do not employ them. they're a mutant american strain shot hotly oversea.
i think they wanted to be Smith and not Matsumoto, so they were twisted into such a shape and scraped their skin loose. these germ criminals sprawled over the banks, pork flesh finishing in concrete shoes.
they warn that a big dog will be an ugly woman when it wakes up. and for now they sleep inside, with the looters.
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| good work |
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this is brutal while remaining poignant; surreal while remaining progressive and taut. it reads like a story at times instead of a poem and i suspect this to be why you chose not to use line breaks as the traditional poem may at times depend on. i think that this seems to better represent the so-called .style. you were able to produce here; that 'surreal' (poetry) 'progressive/taut' (prose) mixed well and shaken.
the quips of narrative jabber making description of the happenings is solely internal, as if every happening in the environment was itself a part of the narrator, and this is true of anyone who is an observer at heart, as are most poets. imagine that.
this all lends a helping hand as well. of course, per usual, the word choice is nice.
i will say i am not familiar with the subject and will try to remember to look into the subject to see if it helps me to gather any allusions, etc. if, in fact, the subject matter isn't entirely fictitious. i am nost sure at this point. google perhaps?
nice work caroline. |
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Comment by: - 2006-04-25 18:09
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| this is shit hot |
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the idea of people/humans as (bad) drawings is an idea I've come across increasingly often, but never in such a rich, rot-pretty way. "sour scrawls" also makes me think of the way hibakusha are discriminated against in japan, like the hastily snapped written remark of some employer or minor city official. in fact, what just popped into my head would be to make that part "sour employer's scrawls" to emphasise this point, and the repetition of the next sentence would be supercool. think about it.
"shot hotly oversea" is exquisite; I'd hesitate to use 'hotly' myself because it implies anger to me, which as we know THE BOMBS were not..in. you know. good dodge of the word 'overseas' as well, I hate it.
unfortunate that both Smith and Matsumoto are names common in popular culture, even more unfortunate is that those were the first connotations I thought of. :P fucking agents and samurai. anyway the "they wanted to be" idea adds a kind of weird mini-trans-cultural sorrow to the whole deal. great 's' sounds in this stanza.
maybe it's because I half-misread it at first, but I'd like "finishing" to be "fishing". it would be a kind of macabre bit of humour (not funny humour), the way a murdered man might be thought to sunbathing; the not-obvious. it would be quite haiku too, in a warped way.
"they warn that a big dog will be an ugly woman when it wakes up" is chilling, as I see it it refers to mutation. it's chilling because of the co-image/idea of a dog trapped in the body of a (n ugly) woman. urg. the 'sleeping inside' I'm not sure about, and I don't know what 'for now' refers to. but 'looters' could be either non-hibakusha japanese or bacteria/viruses, if 'inside' is seen as within society or within the recesses of the human body/mind.
great work here, as ALWAYS caroline nospine. + comment is still being written, I'm just in perpetual lazymode. good to see you here. :) |
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Comment by: menoh - 2006-04-25 11:35
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| love this piece. unconventional and attractive, but dark. love it. |
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