ROSWELL: 1947:
'Greetings, earthlings!'
The two soldiers looked at the tall, grey, skinny alien. 'Who are you?' they asked in unison. 'You are in a restricted area. Leave or you will be shot.'
It held up one of its three-fingered hands and smiled reassuringly. 'Calm down,' it said, 'This'll just take a minute. How do you get to Pluto from here?' It smiled sheepishly and added 'We're kind of lost.'
The soldiers stared at each other for a few seconds. Then they broke character. 'I beg your pardon?' said Bob.
'Directions,' repeated the alien patiently. 'To Pluto. The wife and I are on our honeymoon.' A taller grey entity waved from the nearby flying-grounded-saucer.
'You're not here to take over our planet?' asked Jimmy.
'Um, no.'
'Or perhaps to mutilate our cattle?'
'What?' blurted the alien. 'That's disgusting. What kind of sick pervert do you think I am?'
'Or to make mysterious shapes in our fields, leaving the corn unbroken?' Bob persisted.
It blinked at them. 'Why the heck would I do that?' it yelped. 'Look, I'm just a regular guy trying to get to his honeymoon on Pluto! Sheesh!'
'Oh,' said Jimmy.
'Oh,' said Bob.
They looked at the alien, then at each other.
'In that case,' they chorused, 'Go straight past Mars, through the meteor field and past the gas giants. Then you need to go past the ringed planets, and the next one, Neptune, too.'
'No, wait,' Bob said, breaking off. 'Isn't Neptune switched with Pluto?'
'Don't be stupid.'
'Alright, then. So, Pluto's at the end. You can't miss it.'
'Well, actually,' interrupted Jimmy, who was feeling philosophical at the moment, 'it would be very easy to miss, considering the vast area of space and the distance between the two orbiting objects.'
'Ah, but you forget,' retorted Bob loftily, 'that surely our friend here has at the very least some sort of sonar or other mechanism by which he can locate a large planet like Pluto.'
'Yes, of course, I was merely pointing out that technically, it would be simplicity itself to miss it, Bob, if you'd care to listen to-.'
'Thanks for all your help, guys,' the alien interrupted, now more annoyed than ever, and obviously impatient to get back on its way. It climbed back into its spaceship and flew off.
Jimmy looked at Bob. 'You do realize,' he mused to himself, 'we're going to have to deny this ever happened.'
'But of course.'
'Do you think we should have tried to capture him to study for science?'
'No.' Bob shrugged. 'I think we both know that our government is not really ready for contact with an alien species. Furthermore, it would have been beyond barbaric of us to autopsy the poor fellow, especially as he was a newlywed.'
'You're right, my astute fellow guard. Besides, we'd just have had to spend five hours in the interrogation room again. Like last time, when that alien was looking for a bathroom.'
'Indeed. And the time the other one wanted to know a good place to eat.' Bob shuffled his feet.
'Yes, do you remember how he got all upset when we suggested the diner down the road? 'I meant a restaurant, not a food stand at a pit stop.' What do you think he meant about the pit stop?'
'I do not know, my friend. Maybe the reason aliens stop here is because we're some sort of intergalactic rest stop.'
'Huh. Maybe. How utterly depressing, aliens making contact with us because they have to pee. That notion, more than any other, truly demonstrates the sheer and complete despair that we must have because we really are a primitive race, despite, or perhaps because of, all our technological advances.'
'So true. But, better than some contact than none at all, Jimmy. Maybe the tranquility of the otherworldly beings will create some small measure of change in our violent society.'
'One can only hope, Bob.'
The two soldiers kept watching for anything else unusual, as per the superior's orders. But nobody came by, just a nice family of four from Betelgeuse V that needed to throw away their trash.
