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The timid artist (revised)
I was bored.
So I drew her portrait on my desk.
She said it was awesome.
I mumbled a shy thank you.
Over time the picture faded.
She asked me to draw another.
This time she looked into my eyes.
I fell in love that day in March
but didn't let her know.
In a week she was in a coma,
mangled remains of a dark country road
and bourbon cocktails.
I learned of her death in drivers Ed. class.
I sat there numb, drenched in somber irony.
The instructor told us she was a wild child.
I told him to go to hell.
Detention was waived that day.
My desk in room 136 had become an epitaph board.
Notes from sorrow filled teens surrounded
the soft pencil lines.
Even the "preps" that she detested shared their grief
I wrote "I love you", but didn't sign my name.
Over time the picture faded.
A new girl filled the empty desk.
We shared smiles during lectures
I drew her portrait on my desk.
thanks, funkylele
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| Hey, I really like this. I don't know that I cried necessarily, but the concept is pretty amazing. Kudos, pal. |
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Comment by: Min - 2006-07-12 04:58
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| This is sad and the ending rings true...life moves on. |
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I like this piece, its very strong, poignant and melancholy. I understand what you are trying to do with the last two lines and Im of mixed minds about it. On the one hand its a very true comment about life, cycles, the effect of time and the inexorable ability humans have to move on...its a necessary survival trait after all.
Perhaps if you removed the "I was bored" and just ended with one line
"I drew her picture on my desk" it would have the effect of leaving the intensity of the previous romance intact as well as communicating the endless cycle of life? |
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I thought this was well written. Very casual tone with a poignant message.
Over time the picture faded.
A new girl filled the empty desk.
We shared smiles during lectures
I was bored.
So I drew her portrait on my desk.
A memory of her portrait doesn't fade. (oops got carried away with adding line there) |
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Comment by: - 2006-04-27 11:56
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Yes life does go on but not easier differently...
Mark I don't need any help with tears at the moment thanks... I would not have put the last 2 lines on. There is a glimps of hope and dreams in the stanza before that without shattering an illusion. Just me though I like to think your love for Kara would have lasted a little longer, hopeless romantic, but I know you like to give us something and take it back at the last minute. Loved it as usual though.-B |
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