You only hold me up like this
'Cause you don't know who I really am
Sometimes I just want to know what it's like to be you
We're making out inside crashed cars
We're sleeping through all our memories
I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now I only waste it dreaming of you)

Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
'Cause all of our moves make up for the silence
And oh, the way your makeup stains my pillowcase
Like I'll never be the same

You only hold me up like this
'Cause you don't know who I really am
I used to waste my time on
Waste my time on
Waste my time dreaming of being alive (now I only waste it dreaming of you)

Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
'Cause all of our moves make up for the silence
And oh, the way your makeup stains my pillowcase
Like I'll never be the same

I've got headaches and bad luck but they couldn't touch you, no
I've got headaches and bad luck but they couldn't touch you, no
I'm not trying
You only hold me up like this

Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
'Cause all of our moves make up for the silence
And oh, the way your makeup stains
Like I'll never be the same
-Fall Out Boy


At the concert on Thursday, it was the first time I heard them play this song.

Before they started, the bassist said,"Most bands tell you to stick your middle finger in the air and say, 'fuck this', 'fuck the government', 'fuck girls', whatever. This is not that kind of song. Instead, I think you guys should stick our ring fingers in the air like this and say, 'this is for falling out of love and then falling in love all over again.'"

Something about what he said resonated with me when they were playing. The guitars covered the 9:30 club like a blanket of sweet, distorted sound and the pumping noise of the bass and drums seemed to have been in synch with my heart. I remember thinking to myself, this is the way you're supposed to hear this song. And that warm, excited feeling of something new is supposed to be how the song makes you feel. It was so perfect.

I thought about messaging you while they were singing, but I thought you might find it odd. I've seen you three times on the street and already I have to fight the urge to tell you that I was thinking of you. I thought that seemed a bit much and instead I think I messaged you about wanting kick someone's ass. But I really wanted to write that I wanted you there with me, and instead I rearranged all the letters to create a meaningless text full of other intentions. It seemed safer that way.

How is this possible? How has the first image of you passing me by on the street left such an impression? I stood there in front of the hospital that day and waited until your body became a fading silhouette--and I was never the same.

And you are still in love with someone far away
And my love for someone waxes and wanes like the phases of the moon.

We are terrible timing. And yet there is something so safe, so sacred in what we have now...

For years now I've been living in such a stagnant routine; running in place. I used to be so free. I used to be the friend you could call at the last minute to meet for some nice conversation and drinks. But now I've sadly become the friend you need to plan things weeks in advance with. I've become a pathetic film negative of the person I used to be.

But you,
You're like a breath of fresh air.

You with your last minute plans and "let's go now" attitude.
You with your Georgetown-really-isn't-that-far-from-here smile.
You with your love for cheesy 90's music and Emm Gryner.

You're like a breath of fresh air.


In a sea of routine, you are my beautiful anomaly. The one that stands out. The one I can't explain. The one I want and deep down know I cannot have.

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