Foundation Covers the Hidden Hurt (#2)
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Poetry >> Foundation Covers the Hidden Hurt (#2)
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Foundation Covers the Hidden Hurt (#2)
You told me I was beautiful,
Like bruises
With discarded purpose.
This purple slowly
Faded to yellow: the colours
Of your violent storms.
Our bodies became battlefields;
We danced in sheets,
And I experienced love like a fist:
Contusions and scars
Slapped into the shape
Of your wandering palm.
Your words blemished like bayonets;
Ploughing through esteem
Like a harvester amongst ripe crops.
Our lips violently met:
Sharing a brutal kiss:
An expected silent
Contract written in saliva.
I sealed our fate,
As we became a cemetery.
I breathed in, with breath
I never thought would
Taste so young.
[this is an updated version of the previous poem: I'm not sure which works better, I'd appreciate opinions]
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Comment by: AndyMel - 2006-05-04 10:15
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| These 2 are the sort of poem I miss from workshops, where the class could sit and strip it down line by line. I mean to say that I think there's a very poignant little poem somewhere in here, but at the moment it's being clouded by imagery. Too many metaphors floucing around like they own the place. Is this a poem from one of the pictures you mentioned in your profile? I'd like to see this for myself then try to help |
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| There is something about your images that cut right down to the bone. I often find myself reading over lines multiple times. Even if I find an image to be weak, or not how I would have written it, your voice is constant and the Truth of the matter is always the driving force. |
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| I love 'Love like a fist' and 'This purple slowly/Faded to yellow: the colours/Of your violent storms'. You cut to the bones of your idea so well. |
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Comment by: Elinki - 2006-04-30 19:25
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| this version is much better. |
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| I like this version better - more effective with the terseness of the lines. The images have been honed down to the most impactful words, leaving the reader with a sense of wonder and intrique. |
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