writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 




Words: 117
Access: Public
Comments: 10

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




Foundation Covers the Hidden Hurt (#2)

You told me I was beautiful,
Like bruises
With discarded purpose.

This purple slowly
Faded to yellow: the colours
Of your violent storms.

Our bodies became battlefields;
We danced in sheets,
And I experienced love like a fist:

Contusions and scars
Slapped into the shape
Of your wandering palm.

Your words blemished like bayonets;
Ploughing through esteem
Like a harvester amongst ripe crops.

Our lips violently met:
Sharing a brutal kiss:
An expected silent

Contract written in saliva.
I sealed our fate,
As we became a cemetery.

I breathed in, with breath
I never thought would
Taste so young.

[this is an updated version of the previous poem: I'm not sure which works better, I'd appreciate opinions]

Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
AndyMel Comment by: AndyMel - 2006-05-04 10:15
Add to Readers
      
These 2 are the sort of poem I miss from workshops, where the class could sit and strip it down line by line. I mean to say that I think there's a very poignant little poem somewhere in here, but at the moment it's being clouded by imagery. Too many metaphors floucing around like they own the place. Is this a poem from one of the pictures you mentioned in your profile? I'd like to see this for myself then try to help
noneedtofocus Comment by: noneedtofocus - 2006-05-01 11:09
Add to Readers
      
There is something about your images that cut right down to the bone. I often find myself reading over lines multiple times. Even if I find an image to be weak, or not how I would have written it, your voice is constant and the Truth of the matter is always the driving force.
Kiwi Scribbler Comment by: Kiwi Scribbler - 2006-05-01 03:24
Add to Readers
      
I love 'Love like a fist' and 'This purple slowly/Faded to yellow: the colours/Of your violent storms'. You cut to the bones of your idea so well.
Elinki Comment by: Elinki - 2006-04-30 19:25
Add to Readers
      
this version is much better.
angeldawn21 Comment by: angeldawn21 - 2006-04-29 06:05
Add to Readers
      
I like this version better - more effective with the terseness of the lines. The images have been honed down to the most impactful words, leaving the reader with a sense of wonder and intrique.
1 2 Next
Bookshop

"7 ways to get your money"

by Nicholas Jakari



Ostensibly a novel about debt-collecting for small business people. It is in reality a book about how to get your own way in just about anything you want to do. Includes valuable strategies for overcoming human obstacles without aggression or use of expensive lawyers.

7 ways to get your money

Sponsored Ads


Added to Library of:

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S