I always believed that life was one big melodramatic movie. That every time there was heartbreaking silence between two people you could actually hear some sad song playing in the background. At times life clearly mirrors a scatter-brained type of movie. It's the kind where we all stumble through our lines and interrupt each other. But we are unable to choose the role each character will play.
You entered my life at a point where everything was at a complete standstill. Everything you did seemed so beautiful. It was in the way you dreamily looked out the window whenever we parked the car in front of my house. It was the way you softly sang our song, out of tune, mind you, whenever you wanted to apologize. It was all these little things that you seemed to do with such ease that made everything seem perfect.
One evening we sat on the grassy hill near my house and decided to count all the stars. I leaned back and felt the cool blades of grass against my arms as I watched you smoke a cigarette.
'You want?' you asked, pulling out a smashed pack of Marlboro Reds from your pants pocket.
I shook my head. 'No, thanks.' I felt something against my arm and began to scratch, only to find the tiny bodies of dead ants crushed against my skin. I whined, 'There are ants all over the place.'
You took a long drag of your cigarette and began to laugh. 'That's disgusting, your arm looks gross.'
'Gee, thanks,' I answered, wiping my arm, and then smearing it all over your pants leg. 'Can we move somewhere else?'
'I wanna stay just a little longer,' you said, tossing your cigarette butt onto the road. It flickered a bright orange until a passing car ran over it. You pointed up to the night sky at three bright stars in a row. 'Do you know what constellation that is?'
I thought for a moment. 'Orion's belt, I think.'
'That middle star there, that's gonna be our star,' you declared, pointing up at the vast night sky. You leaned into my shoulder, the strong smell of cigarettes on your clothes. You pinched my arm lightly. 'What are you thinking about right now?'
'Huh?'
'What are you thinking about?' you repeated, now sitting up to listen to my answer.
I sang:
You pick me up when I'm down
Life has no meaning when you're not around
When you're not around
'That's what you were thinking about?' you asked.
'Yeah. It's weird, the song was just in my head. You ever get that sometimes?'
You leaned into me once more and stared up at the sky again. 'Yeah, sometimes.' We had a million moments like this, where everything seemed to fit right into place. It had become our routine to star watch every weekend. We just sat in my car and reclined our seats, staring up through the sunroof. Something felt right about the way you sat beside me. Perhaps it was the simple touch of your hand when you reached for mine. Perhaps it was the way you laughed whenever I made a lame joke. Perhaps it was just the way I grew to feel like a new person around you.
But the weeks dragged into months and things began to change between us. It was in the way you dully looked at me whenever we had a conversation. It was in the way you always forgot to call me back. It was in the way I suddenly felt pushed aside, like a broken or used toy that nobody wanted anymore. But you assured me that nothing was wrong.
We spent weeks like this, where we were just being polite to avoid confrontation. When we went to dinner we ate in silence. But I got used to it. It already felt like we slipped back into being just friends.
We broke up a day before my birthday. You called me to say you weren't coming to dinner but the conversation eventually rolled into how you didn't like me anymore. We hung up and I just sat in my room, listening to the sound of my ceiling fan humming above me.
I felt numb for days and everything seemed like it was caving in. Our song played incessantly in the back of my mind. One night I drove to Waikiki to relax. But it was no better when I got there. Your voice still pounded in my head through the echoes of everyone's conversations around me. But I walked on, heading back to the car after wandering the Waikiki strip for hours.
A car with a group of military men yelled out an obscenity as they drove past the gay bar. Nobody even seemed to look over at them when they sped by, but instead continued eating as if those men never existed. A drunken boy wobbled down the sidewalk while his friends laughed like horses at the way he banged into light poles and newspaper stands.
I was on the other side of the street, walking away from all the hurried life of Waikiki. I had gone this way before and never really paid attention.
But the evening was lonely and I felt aware of everything around me. An old woman with a large ABC package walked past me hurriedly as I took notice of the blackened sky above, imagining Orion's Belt and thinking of you. I stepped across a large puddle of water formed by a broken sprinkler next to me and suddenly missed you by my side, pulling me away so I didn't get my new shoes wet.
The zoo was quiet, but the parking lot was filled with teenagers babbling on in conversation. I stood for a moment at the crosswalk and let out a big sigh, before I began to head towards the car. I heard someone faintly calling my name but I didn't turn around.
A red sports car's bright headlights blinded me for a moment as I crossed, following me when it pulled into the parking lot.
'Hey!' someone called out and immediately I recognized the voice. I felt my stomach pulling in every direction as I took a deep breath. I turned to see you sitting in the car with a bunch of your friends. When I didn't answer, you opened the door and rushed towards me. 'How are you doing?' you asked.
'Why?' I started to feel everything around me spin, so I took a breath and tried to walk past you to get to my car.
'I'm so sorry,' you apologized, catching up with me.
I rolled my eyes. 'I have to go.' There was a pleading look on your face for me to stop walking, but I felt so sick I thought I might vomit. You touched my shoulder for me to wait, but I shook your hand off, trying to keep my composure.
'Please talk to me,' you begged, standing in front of me.
'There's nothing to say.' I took a side step to avoid walking into you and tried to continue on.
'Don't walk away from me.' Your voice was shaky now so I turned around to see you had waddled over to the curb and squat in the middle of the sidewalk, patting it lightly with your hand. 'Please sit down.'
'I don't want to sit down. I have to go.'
'Just say something,' you said, looking up at me.
'What in the hell do you want me to say?' I felt the veins in my arms start to tense up and a bitter taste formed in my mouth. Usually in cases where you and I were fighting, I would beg you to stay to try and work things out. Or I would chase after you when you stormed off. But that evening you were the one at my feet and I was the one who wanted to leave.
'You pick me up, when I'm down,' you began to sing.
I shook my head. 'Shut up. I don't want to hear it.'
There was a long silence between us and I knew you were waiting for me to say something, as I had done for months of knowing you. But I just stood before you in silence, watching the tears well up in your eyes. I took a long deep breath before I turned my heel to walk away.
You began to cry, right there on the sidewalk, and for a moment I felt bad. But instead I turned my back to you and headed towards my car, hearing nothing but silence in my heart, a place where our song used to play.
