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between the Sky and the Small
Seen in what is exceeding
the forest and me: consider
how a cloud does crack,
goes the sun to withdraw,
then the big blows yank
seeds of age
from the forks;
fall them thinly nearby
a failing pile of straw
and those dog-hungry weeds --
for the greater mass of all
living things: this must surely
be dearth and despair
as the earth
goes rattle and gulps
at the air.
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ok, it doesn't have to be frogs, just cough something up already
:) |
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| goog i like it |
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Comment by: - 2006-04-29 22:20
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| the rhyme in the last two stanzas was pretty cool coming from you, I didn't anticipate it at all. A thickly layered poem, pleasing to the ear and well managed. I can safely say the metaphors haven't sunk in after this read, but that's good right. bagging the reader into rereads. you tricky fuck. enjoyed. |
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spacing thing is crazy. I tried it with IE a moment ago to see if the editor thing would work, but it fucked it up even worse. I'll take it though.
"exceeding" in the setup doesn't refer to something that is above or outside or beyond the setting, as such, but something that is within it and 'behind' it. clouds and sun make shadows of trees, wind electrifies them. "me" makes the speaker a little simplistically inferior to nature, on one hand, but also makes him a part of the setting and a part of the events as a natural bystander or member of some sort.
"consider" is good, it establishes the detached narration that the piece follows through with (e.g. in ".. does crack"). I'm glad, if not surprised, to see that the inverted grammar isn't used uniformly; the third stanza is fresh like someone backhanding drying laundry slowly. "seeds of age" is interesting, it could mean dust with mild reference to death, or pollen/actual seeds; I see the forks as hayforks, the big damn things, OR (more likely) as trees/flowers. now i think about it the seeds of age could easily be petals.
there's a nice, if unpronounced attention to more traditional rhyme that I seldom see from you, as in the slant of "crack/yank".
"dog-hungry" brings unbidden the image of a ragged, panting dog. it applies to weeds terribly well, as though they're exhausted but very present.
I really like "fall them thinly", which makes it a shame that it seems a bit overdone here. something as simple and elegant as "falling" would be better, I think (there would be an added aural boost with 'failing' too).
I see this poem as being a kind of detached, investigative testimony to small occurrences. the tiny event of petals falling is "for the greater mass of all / living things", and the actually unattached and emotionless natures of "the earth" and "the air" are given (perhaps not artificial) importance of feeling by the human vantage; a natural part of the seasonal cycle is dubbed "dearth and despair", somewhat adroitly and partly figuratively. reminds me of WCW actually.
anyway, rocking Alex. I'm still waiting for the frogness. |
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| very lust worthy, i wont mention marriage, and made my afternoon |
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