"Wake up asshole, don't you have an interview today".

Ayush woke up with a start. "9 already".

How had he slept for so long. No wonder Krish was abusing his bums. "Man I am so screwed". He had exactly 15 minutes to shave, take shower, and stuff himself with something edible (which in his case hardly ever varied from burnt
toast and stale coffee)And rush out for his third and last round of interview.


"Krish please fix me a cup of coffee while I take a shower".

Now why did it sound as if he was pleading? It was his place, he was the one who paid the rent. Krish had just parked his fat ass at his place after getting thrown out of his P.G digs. But that's exactly how it is. "Ayush" his father had told him once, "you don't have a spine. Learn to assert your authority or you will never get laid".

Well he didn't actually say the last part, but you get the idea. So when Ayush came out of the shower and found the remnants of stale coffee in the pot, along with a soggy half burnt toast that Krish had so thoughtfully made for him or perhaps it was to burnt for him to he gulped them without wincing. Anyways he had an interview today .It was the very last round and getting through this one would ensure him a place in one of the biggest add agencies in the city. Just then he heard the characteristic sputtering sound that his bike made when it started followed by the roar of it's engine. That son of a b*@&*h. Krish had made off with his bike. Ayush felt banging his head (he would been happier had it been Krish's) but as it would be an important asset in the interview saving it seemed like a good idea and he dashed out of the house towards the bus stop.

As Ayush walked out of the office that might well have been his had he not been rejected in the very last round, he realized not for the first time that his lack of confidence and esteem were crushing all his prospects. The third round that was basically a jam session required the candidates to pool in their ideas and prepare a campaign for the for a prototype Coke bottle.

Ayush definitely had the ideas, and had he shared them he would definitely have been the star performer but seeing the other candidates gushing out with their own ideas he completely lost his nerve and his chance. More over he knew that there was some there was something about him that didn't inspire confidence and he knew it. Call it spine, attitude, strength of character, he lacked them all. No wonder he never had a steady girlfriend. His last girlfriend had left him in exasperation after realising what a pushover he was.

No job, no girl, and a so-called friend, who was living at his place at his expense, and yet treated him, like a doormat. But as they say when the going gets tough, the tough gets going (till now this statement had applied only to Ayush's inner turmoil in the loo) but as he looked around for tall building to jump down from his eyes fell on one of those brightly coloured yet non decrepit adds that promise miraculous cures to all your problems with the help of an incantation, a packet of agarbatties (insence) and of course a hefty fee. But what made this particular add different was that it was not about a Baba or a Godman but about a psychiatrist and though gaudy in profile and content there was something in it that that really impressed Ayush. It went something like this

"Lack confidence, don't fret. Come and see Dr Screw-wala (renowned psychiatrist) and become the top Dog of the pound"

Ayush stared just long enough to memorize the add, stopped an auto, and headed straight for the office of Dr. Screwwala. His actions may seem a little too desperate but so was his situation and as they say desperate people do desperate things. When he reached the area he was dismayed by it's cheesy down market look. His offices was located in one those urban villages where cows, squalor and garbage intermingle even more freely with people.

"Perhaps he has just started practicing" thought Ayush, and doesn't yet have the money to afford an office at a place not infested with cows".

After wandering through a maze of buildings, Ayush reached the building where the office of Dr. Screw-wala was located. Though quite a tall building it seemed to be in desperate need of repairs.

"Is Dr. Screw-wala in his office" Ayush tentatively asked a man who was squatting on the staircase, blocking the way.

"Screw-wala wo kutto ka doctor!"(The man who treats dogs) 'Apka kutta kahan hai' (where's your dog). The man asked?

"Screw'wala a veterinarian? Had he wrongly interpreted the add, " Ayush thought? Because it hardly seemed as if this man was joking.

"What makes you think he is a vet?" Ayush asked the man trying to sound confident.

"Sirji, can't you hear the sound of barking. It's coming from the top floor where Screw-wala has his office." The man replied with an air of someone who knows his way around.

All that was left for Ayush now was to leave quietly with his dignity intact. "To think I actually came to a vet for help," He thought, feeling more ridiculous with every passing second, and was about to rush out of the place when some thing deep within him told him to stop and check for himself.

“Well, I'm here for my dog" Ayush, bluffed and marched up the stairs. The sound of barking was growing more and more audible with each floor and by the time he reached the second last floor Ayush had broken into cold sweat and was expecting a pack of hungry dogs to fall on him and tear him to pieces. Ayush had always been scared of dogs after being bitten by one in his in his backside as a kid.

By the time he reached the top floor the noise had reached deafening proportions but there were still no dogs in sight.

"They must to be caged up" he felt a lot more reassured at this thought.

When he reached the top floor he met a solitary door with the sign "Dr. Screw-wala". The door was open and the barking was dangerously loud and Ayush had to shout to have him heard.

Dr. Screw-wala are you in there?"

The barking stopped immediately and a reed thin man wearing a long white coat peculiar the medical profession came out. Standing at 5 feet.2, the coat almost reached his toes. He had a great big dome of a head and it seemed as if all the hair on his head had decided to grow out of his ears. Dr. Screw-wala looked less like a doctor and more like a wannabe comedian.

"Are you Dr. Screw-wala?" Ayush asked. The note of incredulity was quite apparent in his voice. This man could hardly be person the ad had boasted of. The man he had pictured in his head was six feet tall, looked more or less like the Amitabh Bacchan (an actor of legendary proportions) of today with the magical ability of turning mice into men.

“Yes. Does my appearance disappoint you?" Dr. Screw-wala said in deep and resonant voice, which sounded quite unnatural in a man of his stature
"At least, he has the voice of Amitabh." Ayush thought. "Where do you keep your dogs" Ayush couldn't stop himself from asking.

“I don't keep dogs. The barking noises that you heard came from this tape that I was playing. I was actually working on my barking skills."

Dr. Screw-wala replied with a remarkably straight face, which was rather discomforting for Ayush, who can hardly be blamed for expecting a more reasonable answer.

“The dude has completely lost his marbles. Working on his barking skills." It sounded even more ridiculous when he said it out loud in his mind. 'W-Why' Ayush blurted out, perhaps a tad too loudly than he expected to.

"A perfectly reasonable question. Dogs, you see fascinate me, and what fascinates me most about them is their bark. It's said that a dog is known by its bark and I personally believe that the same applies for humans. The secret of an Alpha dog lies in its bark. Its more aggressive, more commanding, more threatening and naturally commands a lot more respect. And this trait is found to exist in an even greater degree in humans. We are by nature subservient to people who are aggressive talkers or to put it simply know how to bark."
Dr. Screw-wala looked sharply at Ayush, who had started fidgeting nervously and continued,

"Do you know what you are?" Ayush would definitely have answered if he had one, but he needn't have troubled himself because Screw-wala, it was apparent because he had already framed his answer and didn't feel the need to mince his words

"You're a spineless jelly fish, a man without a backbone and someone who has no guts. You, my dear man are a loser.”

Now this was something Ayush couldn't take lying down. "Mr. Screw-wala." Ayush croaked out. "I didn't come here to be insulted. I am leavi…”

But as he turned towards the door and started to walk out, Dr. Screw-wala did something absolutely bizarre.

"Whooof".He barked. A loud, dangerous bark that made Ayush jump out of his skin, followed by a by low a deep throated growl. Ayush was now rooted to the spot, too scared to think.

"Sit down, Mr. Kumar." Ayush did as he was told.
The crazy (and seemingly dangerous) doctor continued

"I know what you were thinking when you first saw me. How can someone who looks as if he has never tasted food, and stopped growing after the age of ten, someone that looks more like a monkey than a man actually help me with my confidence. Let me tell you something. It's not your looks but your voice that's the key to your confidence. What you say and more, importantly how you say it makes a world of difference. This is what I have learnt from the dogs and have made it the core of my philosophy".

“I don't understand" Ayush said in a voice barely audible. He certainly didn't want Screw-wala to start barking again.

"I knew you wouldn't. You see the philosophy behind a dogs bark is difficult to understand but surprisingly easy to apply. Let me simplify it for you. The word "bark" can be broken up as

B-be someone, A-act like someone, R-react like someone, K-collect the rewards." Screw-wala ended, a slight smile playing on his lips. He was evidently quite proud of his theory.

" But collect starts with a C, not with a K", Ayush pointed out.

" But then the word would be barce". Screw-wala had thought of everything.
"What I want, you to do, is whenever you feel intimidated, shy, frightened, spineless" he said the last word with a mischievous grin " bark like a dog. Bark your heart out. And you will feel confidence welling up within your self and trust me you will never ever suffer from a lack of spine. So lets give it a try, shall we? Give me a good loud whoof" Screw-wala sounded absolutely serious.

"whoof" Ayush felt too weird to bark any louder.

" No, No.., I want you to bark like a Doberman, not a Shitsoo" The doctor was quite annoyed with Ayush's barking skills. "You have to sound more ferocious".

Ayush felt obliged to follow the doctor's orders and his barks grew quite loud. He started feeling strangely better. "I think it's working".

" Great. Just follow this tape and your technique will soon improve and now that you are ready to face the world, if you could pay my fees". And Screw-wala unblushingly continued "thousand rupees only".

It would be an understatement to say that Ayush was shocked. The consultation had lasted for less than twenty minutes, and no matter how effective Screw-wala's theory was, all that he had been taught to do was bark and where the hell was it mentioned that a fee of thousand bucks would be charged. Ayush felt as much and started indignantly,

"Mr. Screw-wala don't you think your fees is a bit too high. Anyways I don't have that kind of money with me right now and so all I pay you right now is three hundred". Ayush said glancing into his wallet. Confidence is okay, but a man has got to eat.

Not getting paid the due amount annoys most people, and a bitter exchange of words is what usually takes place. Dr. Screw-wala too didn't seem to appreciate Ayush's efforts to get away without paying full amount. So When his relatively polite effort to make Ayush see reason failed he was forced to practice what he preached.”

When Ayush left the office of Dr. Screw-wala, minus his expensive Titan wrist watch he for the first time realized in full, the true potential Screw-wala's theory. How a powerful Bark can become your key to success, Screw-wala had just shown him that.

So armed with a whole new philosophy, he reached home and could hardly wait to use his new weapon, and he didn't have to wait for long. His landlord, a greedy, irritable geezer caught up with him just as he was going up the stairs, tried to raise the rent for the third time in six months, and caught the full blast Ayush's fury -- Canine Style.

Thus the scene was set- the metamorphosis was complete. I hardly need to go into all the gory details I will allow you dudes to conjure satisfying images of our friend's conquests for yourself. One thing for sure - Krish whether he was kicked out or was allowed to remain in the house never again dared to address his friend as an asshole. (he was still young and couldn't have lived with a mangled posterior for the rest of his years)

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