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Comment by: - 2006-05-03 16:30
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| Very well captured-it reminded me so much of my parents deaths. |
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Comment by: jkaber - 2006-05-01 05:43
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D.-
There are actually more breaks than there appears to be by having words spread out across the page. I'm going to try editing it at work & maybe I will have more luck than at home with my mac. |
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| i'm not usually advocating stanza breaks, but in this case I think one after 'beneath each moment' / 'books to read'/and maybe one or two other places, would be give us time to pause and absorb. I felt rushed through this, and there's too much in the poem to rush. |
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And death comes calling, and you can not help but be "pulled down
into the violent whirlpool
of despair". Nicely done. |
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Comment by: - 2006-05-01 03:45
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| I like that you have been as generous- but selective in giving mundane detail some dynamic life-drive (phrases like frisking the shore)as in elaborating emotionally on the deathbed scene. Means you had the reader in your thoughts as much as subject and personal meaning to you. Like the cycle birth to death not being made pointed than the references to thin hair etc. You are a poet with a work-ethic. |
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