"Hold still." she said. The pencil pressed hard against my right eye. With my left, I saw her breasts fill out her psuedo-vintage Violent Femmes shirt so well. The pencil lifted and I looked up to her laughing as she straddled me on the couch. She hopped off, grabbed my hand, and dragged me to the mirror. "Ta-da!" she exclaimed, flailing her arms in the air, a huge smile spread across her face. I looked at myself. For a nineteen year old boy I looked good in black eyeliner, purple eyeshadow and pink lip-gloss. It looked nice on top of my pale skin and complimented my ear-length blonde hair. I turned to Katie who was still smiling and fidgeting around; proud of her artwork.

It was raining outside so we slept in late and took acid around noon. She put in a mix she made for me before we started dating. All songs about her, of course. It was meant for me to listen to while thinking about her and then hopefully find myself in love with her. It's a story that always made people laugh. especially the part about how it worked. Katie was a persistant little fuck. She'd come to my job every day to "browse the foriegn film section" or mail me packages of CDs and candy. Once she even tried to climb through my window while tripping on shro
oms. It worked though. Every time I would see her, we would laugh and make small talk, until one night we found each other drunk outside of Marky's Bar and ended up making out for twenty minutes against the wall. I couldn't imagine why someone so beautiful and full of life would be ever be interested in me. Especially since we only met because she used fuck my roommate every so often.

She turned the volume up and danced around the living room with her sunglasses over her eyes and her scarf waving around. I was enjoying myself too much to get up and dance with her, so I laid spread out on the couch smoking an American Spirit. I saw her drop to the floor and roll around when James' "Laid" came on. She always said it was "our song" because of the insanity we caused when we were together. How we knew we were destructive to each other, but enjoyed it. I watched her roll on the floor singing at the top of her lungs. She wailed, "dress me up in women's clothes, messed around with gender roles.." and then stopped. Her eyes widened and she got up. "Im putting makeup on you!" she yelled. Before I could protest, she had already ran to the bathroom squeeling in glee. I heard something fall and Katie yell "OW!!". I laughed and continued to let the heavy smoke into my lungs. A minute later she reappeared, makeup bag in hand and a devious smile across her face. I loved her.

"JohnnyJohnnyJohnnyJohnny," she wailed, wrapping her arms around me and pushing me toward the couch. "Yes, dear?" I replied, giving her a look of sarcastic understanding. With those words she pushed herself on top of me and we both fell onto the couch. Katie started laughing uncontrollably. Her shoulder-length blonde hair flying all around her face. "Can we go to Taco Bell, pleaaaaseeeeee." She rubbed her stomache and frowned.
"My brother still has my car, you know that."
"So? This is StatenfuckingIsland. There's a bus on every corner. Even yours." She said, the smile now gone. The weirdest things got Katie upset, like Burritos and missed phone calls.
"Fine," I said, shaking my head. "But don't complain when you're in the bathroom for an hour afterwards, and let me wash this shit off my face."
"Asshole" she breathed. Her smile slowly returning.

We hopped on a bus and headed for Eltingville, the town right by the Staten Island Mall. I stared at kids hanging out on street corners. houses built so close to each other. It was suffocating, but comfortable at the same time. The weather was beautiful for an afternoon in July. I love the air right after it rains, it makes me feel so close to the earth for some reason and all the people in it. Especially Katie.
"I fucked Mike again, I'm sorry" she said, holding on to a metal bar for support. Mike was my roommate. I knew they used to fuck all the time, but hearing those words was made my heart jump into my throat and my head whirl around to look at her. I couldn't talk. I couldn't think. All I could do was ring the bell to get off the bus. Our stop had come way too soon.
We got off the bus and started walking. I couldn't take it any longer. "How? How the fuck? Mike? Again? What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"I'm sorry!" she yelled, tears forming. "It didn't mean anything. It was just sex, and you know we have something so much deeper than that."
"You told me that you wanted to be with me. You fucking stalked me for months! Now that you have it, you don't want it anymore, right?" My face turned bright red.
"He was just there, at a party. It just happened. Oh shit. Im still up there, there are so many lights around you. As I tell you this awful thing, all I can see are the lights in your eyes and I love you and..." Green tears slid down her face. Green mascara, only Katie could pull that off.
"Mike." I said, my mind wandering. Mike was the opposite of me, he could be a jeans model or some shit. Perfect curly brown hair, perfect body. Girl used to think he was Justin Timberlake for christ's sake. My skinny frame, big nose, and receeding hairline could never compare.

We walked in silence to Taco Bell. We ordered and sat down. The silence was nausiating. She ate quietly, her hands shaking as she brought the 99 cent burrito to her mouth. "Wanna finish that outside?" I asked. I needed a cigarette. She nodded, and we left.
"I'm sorry" she said slowly.
"I know" was the only thing I could think to say.
"We're the same, Johnny. You're just as fucked up as me and you know it. We need the drugs, we need the sex, we need the destruction. It's the way we are and you know it."
I did know it. While I sat next to her on a curb outside of Taco Bell I knew that I'd rather be here getting my heart broken by her and having any other girl love me purely forever.
"All right. I mean, I will forgive you. I'll try" I was weighing in the details in my head, and this was my best bet. "It may take some time..." I added. Trying not to look like a complete pushover.
She touched my face, getting a dab of red sauce on my cheek. She licked her finger and rubbed it off. "I need you," she said with pleading eyes. "You're like... my counterpart or something, I don't know." I nodded, and put my head on her shoulder. I was in love with the moment.



Katie took the last bite of her burrito and threw the wrapper on the floor. I was nuts about recycling, but I loved the fact that she just threw things wherever she wanted. I wanted to believe what she believed, that she ran the world. I took her hand and we walked. Usually she would pull away after a minute or two, but she just held on an walked. The sun was setting and it was a beautiful mixture of pink and orange. "Pollution," Katie would always say about it. "Nature will always find away." I liked that idea. I believed in it. "Look at the dump, Johnny. They almost look like mountains if you squint the right way." I tilted my head a bit and looked. She was right. I squeezed her hand and said, "Let's pretend it is. The sun setting over the mountains for us, how romantic." I stopped walking, pulled her towards me and kissed her. It was a kiss about trust, love, and eventually forgiveness. She looked me in the eyes and smiled.
"Fuck you, man" she said with a sneer. I laughed.
We could be perfect.

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