writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
lojsmirage
Sarah Mosseller
United States, NC, Lynn

Words: 152
Access: Public
Comments: 15

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




Fallen Children

the gods cry upon their fallen children,
but those pristine pools of life come a heartbeat
too late.
they cover the crimson painted land with their healing power--
too bad their cooling kisses cant comfort the irrevocably
Chilled.
a valley was desecrated that day.
metallic scents,
abrasive shouts,
and the sounds of a young man's last breath mingle with the fresh fog
that glides down the mountain.
the valley is quiet now.
the very grasses hushed by the fall after fall
of the 'righteous' clashing with the 'righteous.'

'funny how everyone is Right.'

the air is thick.
the dying dreams of mislead men are heavy,
their unheard confessions just as grave.
no one cares about a soldier's sin,

'funny how they're excused that way.'

the truth of the valley has been forgotten:
its story manifested into a porchswing tale.
sad how the 'right' can't remember a time the
masses scorn.

Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
Ash19640 Comment by: Ash19640 - 2007-08-04 21:41
Add to Readers
      
Hi Sarah-- I read this once yesterday and again today; funny, I only picked up on 'metallic scents' on the second read-through (so now I 'get it'). Your poetry is subtle & taut; not preachy. Really liked this. Made me feel quite sad & reflective actually. Cheers Ash
Comment by: - 2007-06-16 19:16
Add to Readers
      
Poignant and haunting. Great atmosphere you got going, here. Excellent use of imagery and diction. The message behind it (at least, I hope I've got the right one) is something that needs to be heard. High eFive, yo. =D
Comment by: - 2007-02-24 13:54
Add to Readers
      
Such a gentle handling of a horrid event. Beautifully constructed, visually stunning to the mind's eye.
jamesgormley Comment by: jamesgormley - 2007-01-20 13:17
Add to Readers
      
Dear Sarah,
Love the opening. Great drama, strong lines, good words. The refrains make the poem feel like a darkly moving funeral dirge.
Nice work--I like writing short poems too.
Best,
James
mitra Comment by: mitra - 2006-09-24 08:20
Add to Readers
      
Loved the overall pace and theme of this piece. Do feel however the last stanza could be stronger. The last two sentences break and ends quite abruptly. An indication of the divine at the end again somehow may bring the piece in full circle.
1 2 3 Next

Sponsored Ads


Added to Library of:

By lojsmirage

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S