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Me
I can feel it growing
This rage that I can no longer deny
This agony that is killing me inside
For years I've been holding it
But now it seems impossible
If I yell it out people will hear it
They'll stare, laugh, and continue
But I'll be there-watcing them
And forevermore lead the life
of feeling supressed inside
So for now I'll let it grow
And one day unleash it
With a brutal force
That is me
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| Very emotional and full of pain. Nice expression. |
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| bravo ! |
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Comment by: Min - 2006-06-24 13:45
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| You could substitute 'internally' for the first 'inside'. The emotion contained within seems to be hopelessly locked for 'Me'. |
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Comment by: Valerie - 2006-06-21 08:39
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Nicely done for a young poet. I feel that you have a lot of potential going for you. A minor thing - you've used "it" six times
throughout the poem, maybe, you can rephrase and eliminate some of the
"it"s. e.g., line six - 'if I yell it out people will hear it.' Possibly, you could write, and this is only an example, "if I yell out people will hear." This eliminates two "it"s.
Another thought -
You've used "inside" twice, actually you don't need 'inside' in the third line. It reads better if you write, 'this agony is killing me.'
I also feel that you can eliminate the second "inside, just by re-editing the lines a little, e.g., you write - 'but I'll be there watching them/and forevermore lead the life/of feeling supressed inside,' possibly you could re-edit with something like this - "but I'll be there watching them/and forevermore lead a life/of suppression.
All emotions come from within, and that is an accepted view by most of us, so I feel that saying "inside" is verbose. I know it is hard to let go of words that may have taken forever to find, but "less is always better."
A couple of typos - Line eight - The hyphen between 'there-watcing'
should be removed, and 'watcing' is spelled "watching."
Still, a wonderful poem. Cheers, dear fellow writer. |
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Comment by: - 2006-05-12 08:22
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| we are entitled to our opinions/comments in the context of the poem which i feel is about raw emotion. the reference about "angry sex" is 2 much information.anyway i liked your poem it had great feeling |
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