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But what were the odds and what were the ends?
It was as if you happened to be walking down the street late at night and you saw the smoke. You're not the type to answer a call, to drop everything and come running. And I was just stepping out onto the fire escape anyway, when I looked down and met your gaze, climbed down the ladder and joined you on the pavement. You offered your hand, almost like a guide.
'I know these roads too,'¯ I said.
'Care to take a stroll?'¯
Amazing how the night feels different under your feet. Garbage cans start to look like urns. Stoops turn into altars, little shrines all over the place, and flower boxes are suddenly offering plates. Concrete is velvet.
Perhaps it is that burning scent in the air that can turn a phone booth into a confessional.
We stepped inside and as I got you to talking I dialed my own number. It somehow didn't matter to me that my phone had probably melted into a heap somewhere in that charred building that had never felt like home anyway, not the kind of place you're meant to stay for very long.
'We can be safe here, at least until daybreak,'¯ your breath hissed into my neck, into the receiver.
On the other end there was only static. So I dropped the phone, letting it bang against my knee as I skipped a heart beat to meet you in the middle of a kiss.
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Comment by: - 2007-01-29 00:23
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um Jess, this is more like free verse prose. Poetry is structured more. Just a suggestion, but read Poe, Dickinson, Whitman, Frost, Emerson, Blake to start and look how they structure their writing. I could be wrong in that you put it under the poem heading by mistake. Here is a good start for the first part to look like a poem:
It was as if you happened
to be walking down the street
late at night and you saw the smoke.
Youā??re not the type to answer a call,
to drop everything and come running.
And I was just stepping out
onto the fire escape anyway,
when I looked down and met your gaze,
climbed down the ladder
and joined you on the pavement.
You offered your hand,
almost like a guide.
There yea go sweetie.
Andrew |
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"Amazing how the night feels different under your feet. Garbage cans start to look like urns. Stoops turn into altars, little shrines all over the place, and flower boxes are suddenly offering plates. Concrete is velvet."
Fantastic, I love the fluidity you allow the urban landscape to have, and the religious overtones tie into the hissing breath on the speaker neck, like the snake tempting Eve. Brilliant! |
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| I wonder if this was you alter ego talking. Was some part of your subconscious the hand that led you down the fire escape and talked to you on the phone? Anyway, I love pieces which incorporate a science fiction element as that is what I write about. You're very good. - Gary |
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Hm. Fight Club. Somehow, something always seems to be able to be traced to fightclub...
Actually, when I wrote it I had an actual person in mind, more like I was speaking to them. Habit. I write a lot of stuff in that sort of voice. Not sure what you'd call it really. I guess first person...Hard to say, though. Any thoughts about that one? |
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kind of reminds me of fight club. Aer you supposwsed to be talking to yourself? just curious. Will you read my writing and tell me what you think? My membership expired in ten days, and no one reads my stuff enough to leave it here. Thanks,
Z |
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