1.
i fell in love with a woman who has a big hole in her heart, where all the hope slides down. its no wonder im a wreck right now. shes got me on my knees in the bathroom, letting loose my taunt insides.
i met a guy once, said he was a lawyer. mr. lawyer drove a mercedes. he talked down to me, my woman, she liked that. its no wonder she has me here, covered in madness.
i reek of beer and cigarettes. get me out of this house; i think i will go to the woods and climb a big tree. maybe i should just dance naked in the woods, be free. nature has a way of pulling you back into a happy coma.
no no, that wont do. maybe i can write. yes, pick up that pen. no no, sitting doesnt work. my woman has got to call soon. that damn hole, no loose love floating around to get me by.
i will go outside. i will go outside and wait for someone to call. someone has got to call me. its not that hard to tell that im dying inside. i smoke too much, i drink too much, i love too much, this thing is driving me crazy.
2.
"What the fuck is your problem?"
"What the fuck do you mean, what the fuck is my problem?"
"Your problem. Why the fuck are you calling me crying all the damn time. I told you Im out with my friends."
"Who are you fucking?"
"Im not fucking anyone."
"Then why arent you coming home."
"Cause Im too damn drunk to drive."
"What the fuck. Why the fuck are you getting too drunk to drive home at a house full of drunk horny guys?"
"IM JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT YOU FUCKING TOLD ME TOO."
"What?When the hell did I tell you to go drink a bottle of vodka a night and pass out on a guys couch?"
"Im not doing anything wrong."
"Yeah, you are. You're destroying yourself and us. Im just worried you're gonna get hurt."
"You're not just worried Im gonna get hurt, you're worried Im fucking someone. You dont care about me, you just dont trust me."
"Where is your ring?"
"Oh, I left that in the car. I didnt want to loose it if I got too drunk."
"I love you too much for you to treat me like this."
"I love you too much for you to treat me like this."
3.
I saw my old man at the bar last night. It was quite a pathetic sight. He bought me a shot of whiskey. I bought him a shot of jager. He told me about how mother liked to shop around when they were in love. Said the drugs kept him at peace. Damn hippies. Free love made him a mute in loves torture. Sister, mother's daughter, saw it all. Too bad for my old man, she preferred to keep mothers secrets safe. I never thought I looked like my old man. Acted just like the old bastard though, guess its nurture not nature.
4.
"I look like my father. I look just like him."
"No you dont. You really dont look anything like him. Or your mother either."
"No way I look just like him. Look, Im even balding like him. You know, the double V."
"Alot of men bald that way."
Sister walks in carrying a tray of drinks. Sapphire and tonic, the only spirt I enjoy as much as straight jager.
"Tell her I look like my father."
"J___n, you dont look anything like your father."
"See, I told you."
"What, I look exactly like him."
"No J___n, you actually look like one of mother's old flings."
"What?!?"
"Ive always thought he was your real dad. I think mother still has a picture of him in one of the albums."
"Wait, what?!? Huh, Im sorry. I dont think i heard you right. Did you just tell me L____y isnt my real father?"
"Hahah! Oh my god, youre a bastard."
"Shut the fuck up, this ain't funny. Now tell me, who...god...who is my father?"
"Well, there was this guy who had a hobby cat. Taught mom how to sail on it. He was in town about nine months before you were born. Mother had a real thing for him. Now that you are old enough, I know why. You look exactly like him"
"I...i, i really cant say anything. i think im going to be sick. all you women are is evil. just damn evil."
5.
Its been going two weeks strong. Left alone each night. A pity hello followed by a pity goodbye. This free spirit bullshit is getting played out. I aint got no weed. My typewriter ran out of ink. I aint got no money for a new ribbon. Gave it all to support loves anti-depressant, the warm sweet embrace of mother inebriation. I bet she is learning how to sail. Off with my future kids father. I cant take this love thing much longer. Its got me all wrapped up in gin pouring out libations for my own self respect. Hail Cheif Caesar, knife in the side, women dont know what the hell love is as long as they got a damn ring on their finger and food in the fridge.
6.
"life is just gonna pass me by, aint it father"
"yes son, it has a way of doin that to you."
"why do I feel like life ain't gonna get me nowhere but down?"
"I think you just expect too much from it, son. you just gotta stop expectin so much from it."
"Im gonna miss you father."
"You dont need to, son. life aint ment for missing people, its ment for dying. dying real slow, everyday."
"Life aint gonna get me no where but down."
"Son, come close I need to let you know a little secret."
I leaned over to father. smoke crowded the bar full of lonely men with lonely dollars buying their own desperation at four a shot.
"Love aint gonna do anything but make you weak. You hear my voice,"
"barely"
"Love makes you weak like my dying voice. It eats your insides worse than this here cancer thats takin me now."
"Im gonna miss you when you go father."
"I know boy, but you just got to be strong."
"I will."
"Youve been a good son. Im real proud the way you turned out."
"I ain't turned out good. Im all crazy. All I can think about is this life thing. This life thing is getting me down and I cant do a damn thing about it."
"Son" Father exhaled slowly, smoke lofted through this eyes, "we are kings of our own. the sooner you learn that, the sooner you will be ok. Lets get on home now, aint nothing callin' us there, but aint nothin' keepin' us here."

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