"So a zombie walked into a Walgreens. He looked quite confused, but no one seemed to notice him. You can't really blame them, after all they were busy shopping. Its only natural to be more concerned about the many different allergy medicines to choose from, than to bother yourself with the confused undead walking about.
Finally feeling quite perturbed about being ignored so, the zombie...."
"Wait, what's his name?"
"He's a zombie, asshole, he doesn't have a name."
"Well that's stupid, just cause he's a zombie doesn't mean he doesn't have a name. I mean, fuck man, what are his friends gonna call him?"
"Dude, shut up, zombies don't have friends or names."
"What the hell dude, how do you know the first thing about zombies?"
"Look, its a fucking story, I'll call the damn zombie Bob if it will make you happy."
"Actually no, it wont. Bob is short for Robert and if he doesn't have any other zombie friends then....."
"Just shut up."
"Ok."
".....Robert was quite upset with being ignored. You would thing with the ay he kept walking aimlessly while scratching his head, someone would ask him if he needed help. Finally, he picked up a sharpie and a piece of bright pink construction paper; he wanted just plain orange, but zombies are colorblind. Its just another one of those things Robert had to deal with. Being a zombie in a human's world ain't easy. 'I BET YOU ASK ME is HELP I NEED if CORPORATE WAS IN TOWN.' is what the zombie wrote on his orange construction paper. As he was standing up to show off his classic zombie wit, a finger tapped him on the sholder.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Brains." A little drool fell from his blue green lips.
"Im sorry, we don't sell that here. Are you going to pay for those? Or are you just going to stink up the place? I'm not afraid to call the police, you know, don't test me. I've blah blah blah, bla de blah blah bleh, ......."
"brains?" The zombie had much anxiety in....."
"For real dude, can you please call him Bob, its his name."
"What about Robert?"
"Im his friend now, please continue."
".......in his voice. He wasn't sure why he was getting yelled at for being ignored. He just had one simple question: 'So do you sell a can of tea thats diet and not peach?' Bob is deathly allergic to peaches and is on a strict diet. With a complextion like his, Bob knew love handles would just kill his social life.
"Blah Blah BLAH (don't forget to visualize the aggressive bobbing finger point, its a common sign for authority) BALH DE BLAH BLEE BLAH, GET OUT!"
"brains?"
"Now!"
"mmm, leaving, mmmm, brains, humph."
Bob as so upset without his tea, he needed a smoke. 'Cant ask a human for a smoke, they just look at me and act like I'm not even talking, like Im just saying something stupid like brains."
"But he is saying something stupid like brains."
"Yeah, no shit, but thats the point, he doesn't know that."
"There's a point to this?"
"Yeah, of course."
"Well can you get to it, I have to go to work and I can't be late. Corporate is in town."
"I lied."
"About what?"
"There being a point."
"So I just wasted a good fifteen minutes listening to your stupid zombie story."
"Basically."
"Damnit."
"But at least you made a friend with Bob, right?"
"Fuck Bob, zombies don't have friends..."
From the closet came a loud crash and the door swung open and Bob, well, Bob was kinda pissed. "BRAINS!"
"Im his friend, jerk."
"Why you, not, like me? Am I not personable enough?"
"Well it isn't that. Its more like...."
"I understand. Zombie wit can be..." this time a little bit of green drool spilled out, "....a little dry."
"No, no. It isn't , it's...."
Bob was tired of stupid humans with no sense of humor, so he pulled out his illegally bought handgun and shot the two boring humans. Bob felt scary again, until he got to the fridge and realized there was no Teriyaki sauce. Brains taste awful with only soy and garlic. Bob sighed to himself. "Zombie life hard in human world, sighhh..."
Just as his sigh was finished, a bullet ripped through the window and.....

"WHOO HOO! MAN!"
"Head-shot at five hundred yards. Damn thats good."
"Told ya I'd get'em."
"Damn right, but Im still gonna beat ya."
"Maybe when the Redskins win the Superbowl, yer shot will be better than mine."
Its one thing to insult Jimmy Ray's shootin', but he held the Redskins as holy.
"I otta beat yer ass, talkin like that bout the Skins."
"Hop out the truck and fight me like a man, unless you ain't one."
As the two good ol' boys jumped out of the truck to fight like men, three zemi-automatic military grade assault rifles blew holes in places those men forgot they had; they didn't shower much, so yes, they forgot about many places on their bodies.
"Thats for Bob, motherfucka!"
"Yeah, dumb white boy redneck."
"Hell yeah, lunch!"
"Jeff, tell your little brother good ol' boy brain ain't got much substance."
"Mark is right. You just gotta learn, Timmy, eating brain is all about texture, like tofu."
"Well I'm hungry."
"There's a Taco Bell two blocks that way."
"We just ate there, Jeff." Jeff and Timmy aren't ever picky, but Mark can't stand Taco Bell twice in one week. It makes him break out. Zombies get acne too.
"KFC?"
"No, their wraps make me sick."
"McDonald's?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Arby's?"
"You know I don't eat red meat."
"This is just getting absurd."
"Yeah for real."
"Hey look." Timmy pointed to a jet. "Sweet a B-14 Bomber!"
Then the sweet bomber began dropping well over 14 tons of sweet bombs on the Zombie infested streets. And everyone died."
"Was there a point to that?"
"Just shut up, its over."
"Well see you later, don't want to be late to the office, I'm up for a promotion."
"Good luck with that."
"I don't need luck, I'm model citizen Bob."
Just as model Citizen Bob opened the front door, a hoard of Zombies greeted him with a terrifying garble that he made out to be "OPENNN HOUSE."
Model Citizen Bob turned in horror.
"What the hell man, price it higher!"
"I can't, some young zombie couple just moved in down the street. Janice next door told me they won the lottery. Damn Zombies."
"Thats aweful, how am I going to make it out to my car without their slimy hands messing up my hair. I need to look good today, if I don't get that promotion, how am I ever gonna afford that new Lexus SUV Linda wants. She's real close to the edge, man."
"I don't care about your promotion. What about my property value! I'm FUCKED!"
Out of nowhere Zeus got real tired of this story so he thre down a big lightning bolt and killed everyone.
The End.
"That was the sto..."
"No seriously, just stop."
"Just cause you're almighty Zeus doesn't mean....."
Then Zeus threw down a personal size lightning bolt and killed just me.
"So you're dead, that means this is over, right?"
"Then I turned into a Zombie named Bob and ate everyone."
"Thank God."
"and then...."
"Just shut up dude."

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