 |
 |
 |
| |
tangible (rough draft)
(Still working on this-- open to input, suggestions. I know what I'm getting at, but I don't.)
Tangible
(discernible by the touch)
This body is a gift to you--
temple built from molecules and electricity
thump, thump--can you hear this
feel this taste this
body (mass in your hands)
I am tangible.
Carve flesh from the bone
make me hollow
keep my whole.
I am just--
tangible, collection of atoms
sixth grade science, really.
The muscles say thump thump:
this machine is still working.
This electricity is a gift to you
shared in a two-year kiss.
Discernible by touch,
wetness in the mouth
hands on flesh
muscles thump thumping.
We are tangible, just tangible.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
| I really like your first stanza. I'm not a big fan of "sixth grade science, really," though. It sounds too conversational for a piece that doesn't seem to want to be too conversational. Keep working on this! I think you could come up with something great! |
 |
Comment by: kms - 2007-11-04 09:33
|
|
| this is good, thanks for sharing |
 |
Comment by: Neo - 2007-02-15 21:13
|
|
...some people believe that some of the best love is intangible.
Never give up. |
 |
Comment by: JMonroe - 2006-12-13 15:08
|
|
wonderful concept!
Carve flesh from the bone
make me hollow
keep my whole.
I am just--
tangible, collection of atoms
sixth grade science, really.
This stanza demonstrates what to watch for. The first 3 lines are very powerful, but the sixth grade science takes away from the initial beauty of the image. Expand the stronger lines/voice. |
|
|
| i guess you can use the "thump thump" in every stanza... |
| 1 2 Next |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
