This is part of the Spiral Notebooks series... excerpts from the notebooks of the main character Leah Devon.

It goes with:
Sleeping Girls Lie
Remember When Falling
Hollow-excerpt from character Joseph's notebooks
Sacred Space

We're all just floating along, like leaves in a current swiftly moving towards a precipice. I'm the one battered leaf swirling in a hidden whirlpool vortex, waiting for rain to wash me out again.





I don't know what it is I need. I only know what people offer. God, love, television, children, lust, hate, fame, resignation, they set them before me and say, "Choose one. Choose one, consume it and be consumed by it. Embrace and be embraced. Grab hold of one of these semantic placeholders and label it meaning, purpose, reason, truth."




I remember Mexico. Searing heat and blue skies. The people, so many hands reaching for the dead coins I drop. Coins which for me are a cup of coffee, well-sugared and a pack of cigarettes with which to daunt deaht. For them it is one night off these streets, one meal for a hungry child, one more day alive and burning with purpose... At their core, are our meanings any different?




Someone said, "Without God there is no hope and no future. This is a fallacy. I know I will day one day. My life will end. Period. There will be no white robes or shining halos for me. And yet I still hope. I hope after I'm gone the dark tree in front of our house that I love will still stand. I hope the children I've softly sung to will be a little better for having known me. I h ope people everywhere will stop caring about race, creed, gender, religion, ethnicity and simply love each other. I can see a future where every child is loved, no one is hungry and the stars are a short visit away.

People fail to realize that God is simply the total of our disinterested and kind-hearted wishes.

And I hope, more than anything, that one person will read my words and know the things I've seen and felt are there for everyone, if you just have the courage to seek.

If one person reads this and re3alizes that someone else feels frightened and alone and unsure then it has all been worth it.




I am so close to understanding it, so close to what I search for, but is it vanity to feel this way? Is it merely self-absorption to believe I could find what countless thousands have sought? A reason and wherefore, a why and how? Something to tell me the point of all this life? Will I leave anything more than these notebooks?

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