I bought a foot-high resin nun and it has given me back my sex life. Not exactly a recommendation one might hear from Oprah, but it certainly has worked miracles in my part of the universe. The shiny Technicolor idol squats with Bible in hands at our bedroom door, eyes carefully averted and in constant prayer.

The topic of our poor passion had loomed between us for months, a vast unapproachable pool of raw nerves. I was not even going to stick my toe into that expanse of water. I am, however a woman and, therefore, capable of extreme deviousness and lateral thinking. It also helps that I find it close to impossible to have an emotionally intelligent conversation with anyone. After trying all of the usual things like lacy underwear, suggestive breathing, utterly filthy phone text messages to no avail, I scowled at my Battery Operated Boyfriend and headed off to the internet. God Bless Google.

Instead, I bought aphrodisiac oils from a charlatan homeopath. These claimed to be full of sexual aromas and I religiously smothered my body post bathing with half an herb garden. Nothing.

I bought red candles and rubbed them with my bodily fluids, before burning them during full moon and chanting druidic mumbo-jumbo. I stopped short of dipping a used tampon in his morning coffee, as suggested by Talitha the Great's web site. Nothing.

I went to the health shop and purchased enough herbal libido enhancers to keep a 200 year old elephant frisky, according to the product blurb. I slipped these to my beloved in amongst the vitamins. Nothing.

In a final act of desperation I bought the nun while shopping for new batteries; BoB was all worn out. At the time I felt that it would be a final act of blatant statement. Not altogether subtle, granted, but quite clear in a non-verbal sort of way. My lapsed catholic husband took one look, pursed his lips and kept quiet. Move along. Nothing to see here.

I got laid that night.

The nun stays.

Hallelujah.

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