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Hollykinz
Holly Taylor
United Kingdom, Rushden, Northants

Words: 1381
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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The escape

The cold was so bitter that night. Everyone had abandoned their snow-men and retreated into their houses, where their warm welcoming fires greeted them with hot flames. It had snowed all day and night, all of the schools had been closed and all the children were outside playing in the freezing snow until nightfall.

There were two people who were outside though. At three in the morning figures emerged outside a house in the west of Yorkshire in a street called Richmond Avenue. It was a nice little street, all of the houses had neat gardens and there was not a mark on them, it all seemed so perfect in the darkness and bitter cold.

At about two in the morning there was a faint sound of smashing, screaming and shouting coming from number four. But nobody heard the shouts for help; for everyone was asleep in there warm comfortable beds. Inside the house there was a huge argument going on:

'You're just a cowardly, spiteful bastard!' said a man, he had green eyes which were usually full of beauty had now turned to anger. His hair was a sandy brown, his eyebrows were perfect and there was just a little bit stubble coming through on his face. He was in the kitchen of the house and was holding another man against a wall. The other man had the same hair but it was messier and longer than the man's holding him against the wall. There was a woman in the room as well. She had fair hair and was extremely pretty. She had a smooth complexion and her eyes were a deep blue, there were so deep that if you looked at them you were soon mesmerised. She was standing in the corner of the room looking petrified, her shoulders were hunched over and she was leaning against the wall. It was obvious she had been crying because her make-up was all over her face. She was staring at the floor rather than at the horrible sight that was happening in front of her.

'You're my brother, Dave how could you!' said the man who was holding the other against the wall. The other replied 'We never meant to hurt you, it all happened by accident!', but just then the man holding him got hold of Dave's head and thrust it into the wall several times, when the head was removed. The woman looked up crying and screamed 'Dave! Kevin you've killed him! You've killed him! Dave!' she bellowed and ran to the man on the floor and knelt beside him.' He's not dead. Unfortunately.' said Kevin, massaging his knuckles and turning his back on the woman and his brother. He moved over to the other wall and stood there, facing it for minutes, just standing there while the woman screamed and shouted.

Kevin finally turned back round away from the wall that he had been staring at. The woman gave a huge gasp and then embraced the man, holding him tight and rocking backwards and forwards, the man let out a little chuckle and said 'Did you really think that I would leave you?' , Kevin looked at them as if disgusted and walked into the living room, leaving the woman and Dave in the kitchen alone. They hugged for a few minutes and then realised that the other man had left, they slowly made their way to the living room, scared of what Kevin might have done, but they just found him on the couch his head in his hands, crying. He was sobbing, Dave and the woman stood in the doorway starring at the horrible sight in front of them. When the man looked at the two of them, they saw that all the anger in his eyes had gone and it had been replaced with the look of a broken heart, which they found as bad as the anger. Kevin said nothing, just stared at them. There was no need for words, for all of them knew what he was trying to say, why? That was the question that he wanted to know the answer for.

There was an awkward silence until it was broken by the sounds of a baby crying. Upstairs Kevin and Mary's, the woman, child had been awoken by the sounds coming from downstairs. They all looked towards the door and out into the ruined hall way. None of them wanted to move, scared of what might happen if they left the other two alone in the same room, but they could not leave the baby, crying upstairs. So Mary went upstairs to see the baby and left the two men alone.

The two men were now alone in the living room, Kevin still on the couch and Dave standing in the doorway. Kevin had now stopped crying and was starting to stand up and move towards the door, he went out in to the hall way and in to the kitchen again. He walked past the blood stains on the walls and broken glass on the floor and simply poured water into the kettle and switched it on. By this time Dave had followed him, the only sounds in the room were the boiling kettle and faint crunching of glass as Kevin moved around the kitchen. As Dave went to open his mouth Kevin said something, 'Do you remember when we were kids, and we used to play together, even then you used to take things which were mine. And it didn't matter how much I cried, how hard I hit you, how loud I shouted, you would never give whatever it was back. You would never give in; you were always that much bigger, taller, older than me, and you would always win. Well nothing much has changed has it, it's just the thing that we are arguing about is my wife, not a toy or the most time on the computer, this time it is a human being, and do you know what we are putting her through, hitting and shouting at each other, we are putting her through hell, making her watch the two people who she has loved the most in her whole life, fight over her and use her like a weapon to get at one another with. We do not deserve to have her, she is like royalty compared to us, and we are scum. Roaming the earth to try to find another object or thing to get back at the other brother with, always competing, always breaking hearts and never winning. So if you want to steal my wife go ahead, I am not going to do anything more to stop you, I think I have caused Mary enough pain, but do not think for one second that I am not beating the living daylights out of you is because I love you as a brother, or I am soft as you might put it, it is because I do not want to see the look of hatred in Mary's eyes if I killed you tonight, because believe me I could right now. So go on leave, take my wife and my child and leave me with nothing, make feel as small as the school boy that you once bullied, beat up and terrorized all through his childhood and now just to finish it off, you're going to take away my only piece of happiness I managed to find, my family, my real family. Goodbye'¦big brother' and with that he picked up the kettle and poured in the hot water into a 'best daddy' mug, added the milk and turned his back on his brother and silently cried into his mug of hot tea.

Dave seemed stupefied, but about ten seconds later he seemed to find himself again, and walked back up the hallway and called for Mary to come downstairs. She walked slowly down the stair, carrying a bag. She took one look in the kitchen as if there was some horrible beast inside, she saw Kevin's back and took a deep breath, thinking please god protect him, and opened the front door, leaving the shattered, empty man behind her.

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Comments  
ShatteredDreamer Comment by: ShatteredDreamer - 2006-05-31 07:34
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Its stunning...absolutely wonderful...

Real...totally real
inviscera Comment by: inviscera - 2006-05-25 10:02
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Fab writing again.

Bits that particularly stood out for me: "None of them wanted to move, scared of what might happen if they left the other two alone in the same room" - very clever bit of writing. That triangle/Mexican stand-off situation encapsulates so much of the story. Also loved the fact that he made the tea in the "best daddy" mug, as he was pretty much abdicating his parental rights.
frumpalump Comment by: frumpalump - 2006-05-24 06:08
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oo very powerful. i like it.
Olga 253 Comment by: Olga 253 - 2006-05-24 04:19
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The ending is exquisite. The story has a perfect, natural progression, and the emotions are very real. Also, you were good at timing, building up suspense along the way. You've definitely got the most important aspects of a writer's skill.
All I would suggest is that you clean up the awkward sentences, because they upset the flow. The reader has to back track a few times to figure out what you are talking about:
"..man's holding him against the wall...."
"..the head was removed..."
"...back round away from the wall [that] he had been staring at..."
"...[that] was the question [that] he wanted to know the answer for..."
..."Kevin and Mary's, the woman, child...."
It feels like words are just tacked on to eachother in some kind of a hasty way to convey your message. This happens mostly when you are trying to identify possession. That may happen during a time of hysteria in real life, but a narrator keeps a distance from the drama, and delivers the message with style, and with care. Also, when the narrator says "...he looked at them as if disgusted..." there is too much author comment. It would be better to describe the look on his face so the reader can decide that the man is disgusted.
You end many lines with a prepostion:
"...question that he wanted to know the answer for..."
"...the wall he had been staring at..."
"...to get at one another with..."
The sentence sounds unfinished when a writer does this, and it is a tempting thing to do because it comes so easily. I think every author is challenged by that little rule.
You do a beautiful job of revealing each man's vulnerability, and you demonstrate a profound understanding of human psychology.
Okay, now you can pick apart my stuff. I plan to read more of yours.
lofty Comment by: lofty - 2006-05-24 02:40
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i still can't belive someone of your age can write this well,,you really amaze me honestly...a big well done on this powerful piece....
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