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Ignore
Ignore
The phone rings. Kate grabs her cell phone and without looking presses the ignore button. She already knew who is calling her and its better if she just ignores him.
It was a mistake trying to date him; he's not her type at all. Somehow though, in all the confusion and chaos that is her hormones there Kate was, ignoring yet another call from him.
It's not that Brad's a horrible guy. In fact, he was very sweet'a little too sweet. It might be hard to believe that such a thing is possible, but Brad had proven her wrong. There is a thing as too sweet. Just like when Kate puts sugar in her tea to make it sweeter there is a stopping point. If she puts too much sugar in the tea she can't stand the way it tastes and ends up throwing away the whole cup. That's how Brad is--too much sugar in her tea.
The night before, the two had been talking on the phone when Kate realized her growing aversion to him. Brad had lied to her. Not in the 'I've-been-cheating-on-you-way,' but in the 'I-didn't-think-enough-of-you-to-tell-you-the-truth-way.'
Kate had been mad at first. She hated people pretending to be something they weren't, but she wasn't allowed to stay mad; he didn't let her.
Why?
Because he started crying.
'I've let you down.' 'I can't believe I did this to you.' He mumbled between the very loud and very annoying sniffles.
Somehow the victim had just been turned into the prosecutor. How did this happen? How did she let him do this? Streams of annoyance drowned any feelings of mercy or sympathy she felt fifteen minutes before.
The annoyance then fell into her stomach and made her nauseous, but she couldn't say anything more because now she was afraid he would start crying again.
'It's fine. Don't worry about it,' she said hoping that would stop the faucets in his eyes'they didn't in fact they probably made them worse.
'No, it's not fine because I've let you down,' she could barely hear him, but she thinks that's what he said.
'Stop crying. I'm not mad.'
'You sure?' he asked.
'Yes.'
'Positive?' he asked again.
'Yes.'
'So you forgive me?' he asked, yet again.
'Yes.'
'I love you.'
'I know.' She always said 'I know' nothing more, nothing less.
That's how they hung up. She has been avoiding him ever since, and that was three days ago.
She hated feeling like the man in the relationship and that's exactly how she felt when she was with him. She felt 'unwomanly'. He made her feel that way and she was starting to loathe him for that.
That night she finally called him. He had been crying she could tell.
'Listen, Brad. I've been thinking.'
He didn't say anything, but she knew if she was going to say what she was planning on saying she'll have to say it now.
'Maybe we rushed into to something we just weren't ready for. Maybe it might be better if we take a break from each other and figure some things out on our own.'
He's crying again. Kate doesn't want to say anything to make it all worse.
'Why are you doing this to me Kate? Tell me why.'
'I'm really not trying to do anything to you, but I think this is all for the better.'
'But you are,' he said. And that's how the conversation continued for three tiring hours. Brad begged, pleaded and yes of course, cried hoping to convince Kate to stay with him. She wasn't used to being so mean to people, and she felt bad for it but she knew she couldn't last any longer as the man in a relationship. She was a woman! A woman'and she couldn't ignore that any longer.
Finally she got him to hang up the phone and go to bed. As soon as she pressed the 'end' button on her cell she felt a burden lifted off of her shoulders. Oh, how nice it would have been for that to be the conclusion to their story, but he called the next day, the day after that and the day after that. For a week straight he called. She ignored him every time. He'd leave her messages asking her why can't they work out their problems, or if she would give him another chance 'things will be better the next time' he'd say, but before the message would say anything more'she'd delete them.
A few weeks later the callings had stop and so had the messages. Kate and Brad would only exchange 'Hellos' whenever they happen to run into each other. One day on her way home from work she was stuck in traffic due to a four car pile up. Suddenly a romantic song came on the radio. It was about love, and no matter how far away that love can survive. She thought not of Brad but of Shawn. Tears started rolling down her cheeks, she couldn't help it. They just kept flowing down and before she knew it she was crying again.
'I'm a woman!' she screamed.
Yes, Kate no longer was ignoring her womanly needs. She was not longer 'un-womanly.'
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I completely understand the sentiment behind this story. Who's Shawn? This character arrived out of nowhere without establishing him/her as a character earlier on in the story.
This story was interesting enough for me to read right to the end, not bad for a new writer. |
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I'm not going to comment on the subject matter of the story. I'll confine my remarks to mechanics and style. The mechanics, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, etc, need some work, but aren't bad. Spelling is excellent which is often a rarity on Si.
Style? IMO you need to study up on show, don't tell, an easy technique to master, but hard to tell when you need to use it. Like all beginning writers you use too many words to describe. Brevity is a skill, you'll develop over time.
You stayed away from adjectives and adverbs for the most part. That is impressive for a new writer. Good work.
Dialogue needs some work. It needs to be more interesting. Not so much, "He said, yes, She said, maybe, He said, Are you sure? conversation. aPut some fire in their words, some passion, some action. Good dialogue can make a story. Bad dialogue will break it. |
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Comment by: - 2006-05-24 17:48
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| This was a very interesting story...Im sure any woman can relate to that in some way or another. One suggestion though, you might want to consider going over grammar: check yuor tenses. Sometimes you go from "is", to "was"...make sure you stay in one tense through out. (Hey, yuo can read and criticize my stuff, too!)...But all in all, it was good, I enjoyed it a lot. |
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"Christopher Bullfrog Catcher"
A fun way to teach your child how to tell a story. Add to that a guide on how to catch bullfrogs, and a message regarding the care and respect of these fascinating creatures, and you have a book that your child will want to pass on to their children.
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