 |
 |
 |
| |
Nana
Sometimes, when it is late
and I am used up,
when my pen feels light
and I am out of words,
I look on you with jealousy.
Your skin, no, your whole body,
heavy with your years,
stories hidden in the lines that gravity makes.
They say 'life is made of small moments
that run together,' and I think
you are they, and that maybe
if I prick you (and of course it would be painless),
I might take a couple of them
(only to hold me over).
You move deliberately, and maybe
you are back in the factory then,
sewing uniforms, needle in hand,
wishing your husband home.
I mean, hell, I'm looking at you
and I'm thinking jesus
this woman could die any minute,
she doesn't need what I want anyway.
(You must understand, I am young,
and I have no history like yours.)
If I could only just'borrow it.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: - 2006-06-12 18:20
|
|
| great advice as always Denise, on this one and also on Black Spots, it's funny because when I read your suggestions I recognize immediately that those pieces are problematic, but it always takes the observation :) thanks again. |
|
|
okay i'm going to go out on a limb here. i think you could take out:
They say ??life is made of small moments
that run together,? and I think
you are they, and that maybe
if I prick you (and of course it would be painless),
I might take a couple of them
(only to hold me over).
and maybe insert some of stanza 2 where that part was. Stanza 2 as it is now for me - reads like a footnote or an afterthought. |
 |
Comment by: Valerie - 2006-06-06 06:55
|
|
I also love this poem. The cadence flowed, and the imagery was a photograph of "Nana." Wonderful writing. I can see her in my imagination.
A suggestion - I've read the second sentence over and over, and it is an incomplete sentence. Poetry does exist in incomplete sentences, but your poem consistently doesn't, and that is why these lines stand out for me. You might say, " your skin, no, your whole body/ heavy with your years/'are' stories hidden in the lines that gravity makes."
Also - You write, "heavy with your years," how does this sound to you, "heavy with years," omitting "your."?
In line 6 you've used "your" twice. It still reads the same, but the redundancy is gone. These are just suggestions. Either way the poem is still lovely, and the irony of the last line, precious. |
 |
Comment by: mitra - 2006-05-26 22:11
|
|
if I prick you (and of course it would be painless),
I might take a couple of them
(only to hold me over).
Thats a great line. What lovely thoughts. |
|
Comment by: - 2006-05-26 14:48
|
|
I love this poem ..there was such sincere interest in her life. "borrow it" ...brilliant concept. Love how curious you are
and eager to learn all from her. - Leah |
| 1 2 Next |
|
"Blue Water Baptism"
"Blue Water Baptism" is my second collection of poems ranging in topic from views on death, God, friendships, and society. These poems were written in the course of ten years and show the "20-something" state of mind that transitions into a "30-something" mentality.
|
 |
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
