My Angel of Light. I met her a week after I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the one who had an abortion, had left from home and gone to Phoenix with another man. Oh, how my heart ached.

I can't really say I 'met' her that weekend, as I didn't really say anything, though I did notice her staring at me during church. It was a very weird feeling, and made me quite uncomfortable. First off, she was very attractive to me, and secondly, I had just lost someone that I loved very much. I felt very alone, bitter, angry, and my heart was cold as ice.

I remember talking to my mom after church as she asked who that girl was that was looking at me during church, I told her that I was introduced, but didn't remember, which was truth. I had forgotten, or never even paid attention in the first place, guess my mind was elsewhere. She understood, because she knew of my ex, and hurt with and for me. Well, I went through the next week as well as could be expected, I was working at the time and getting ready for school to start back up.

When Sunday rolled back around I was, of course, still bummed but church helped me out in at least regaining a smile. I don't think I had realized just how much my ex-girlfriend made me smile, and how good it felt inside. All of a sudden I didn't have that anymore, and moving on from it was rather difficult. I suppose what I learned from that was the fact that I couldn't and shouldn't put that kind of burden upon another's shoulders, I had come to expect that person to make me smile, and I guess that in my mind I had placed my smiles solely on her, if that makes sense.

Well, this new person wasn't there that Sunday, but I don't think I noticed until I had actually pondered it sometime after. But no matter, I was still hurting and all that jazz. Well, exactly two weeks from the first time I saw her, I saw her again, and again at church. I later found out that her dad was a friend of my family. Small world. Well, I had to admit that this time I noticed.

She stood out in the crowd and when I felt eyes on me, it didn't take me long to pinpoint her, it was almost as if she herself was a giant beacon calling to me. I think I looked at her with a 'stay the hell away from me' kind of look. No, I wasn't nice at all, could you blame me? We've all been there. But what got me was even with that look, she smiled at me, and though I didn't let it show, she took my breath away with that smile. A gorgeous smile on a stunning beauty seems to be able to do that to me.

Well, I turned away, and went back to worship. Confession time, I couldn't focus on worship, and I felt bad. I don't know if it was because I wasn't able to focus on God, or because it seemed that with a smile this person was able to take my mind off my ex. No matter how you look at it, it seemed bad to me. I tried shaking my head to clear it and refocus, didn't quite work.

Well, after that I would see her in church about once a month, though I generally avoided her. We would talk, but it was always very professional, keeping it to church talk only. Blah, blah, blah. Well, in April when I saw her, we got to talking and it turned out that she was taking her ACT at the end of the month, and I told her that I could help her with study materials and knowledge since I had taken it already. She agreed and because she lived three and a half hours away, I got her number and we agreed that we'd study over the phone. Well, I called her. And we did go over ACT stuff. But only for about five minutes, I believe we talked for over an hour that evening. Afterwards, we started writing letters to each other-often.

She and I had this thing we'd do, we would always put the title of a song that we heard or touched our hearts on those letters, like a dedication. We'd also put scripture passages for the other person to see what we had been studying or thinking about. I still remember that the first time I actually read Song of Solomon, or Song of Songs as it is also known, was when she had sent that entire book of the bible as reading material. So I studied it. And I realized that Solomon in all his wisdom had written a very sensual piece, granted, it was in his own very unique way, but extremely sensual nonetheless. I learned that God Himself must love to see that passion between two people, that kind of love that makes us see so much in that person, so much so that this person no longer makes mistakes in our eyes or seems so perfect to us.

I couldn't help but think about how our lives are so feeble, yet how could God care so much for us as to care about every single facet of our lives. I think that my Christian walk came to fruition during this time. This woman knew how to encourage me, how to spur me on toward those good works spoken of in the bible. She could keep me going with a kind word, and I had never had anyone that could do that before, no woman had ever been able to help me with my walk in Christ. This was amazing to me.

Well summer came and she had to go to a camp where she was the camp director, or one of them anyway. We kept in touch via letters and random calls that she was able to make to me, and one visit.

Now, she and I were no item, nor would we even talk about it, she knew of my hurt and I knew of her love. Lucky man, I thought. When she described their relationship, however, I couldn't help but think that she could do better, though I wasn't thinking of myself at the moment. I knew that to have the kind of woman that I wanted, I would have to be that kind of man that she wanted. So, with her help, that's what I was doing.

At the end of the summer I got a phone call late one night, and her tears were palpable. I hated to hear someone crying, much less over some moron that doesn't know what he has. Turned out that this man she loved that had professed his love for her was going to be a father soon, and obviously wasn't with her. The woman he impregnated ended up miscarrying, I believe, but that didn't change anything. I think it was September when I came to a conclusion within myself. Through all of that time since I had met her, I was slowly falling for her. And yes, it took until September to realize this, I'm a guy, we're slow and we never get it right the first time.

I fought with myself over the course of a week in order to determine whether or not I should tell her of my feelings. I finally decided it best to actually speak this time; after all, we were friends, that wouldn't change anything, right?

So I told her. Oops. She was actually rather quiet and I tried letting her know that I understood if she didn't feel the same way, I just had to get it off my chest. She said that it was fine and I thought we'd be ok. I was dead wrong. Over the next two months she wouldn't return my calls, she completely stopped talking to me. One time I remember that she herself answered the phone and I said, 'hello?'�

'I can't talk right now, bye.'� And she hung up on me. I just stood there wondering what I did wrong, the phone was still to my ear and I was in a state of shock, or deep thought, whichever works better. So, I decided to just drop it. But tell me, how do you drop something that never was, and how do you get closure to a door that was never actually opened?

It was the end of November, and I was getting ready to leave in a month to Basic Training. I had stopped bothering her, and was trying to forget her. I was doing ok, when that Sunday morning she showed up at church, and, seeking me out, found me and gave me a hug as though nothing had happened. It felt like a slap in the face, there was no apology, no explanation, no reasoning. Later on, during the service, I saw her worshipping and I couldn't help but think that it was all some elaborate act. Some stupid ploy to get me to feel sorry for her. I saw the tears start coming down her face. Then, as if there was no reason for me to be there anymore, I saw myself leaving the sanctuary. I walked outside and started pacing angrily. How could she act as though nothing happened? What the hell did I do wrong? One of the ushers came out to talk to me, trying to console me, to calm me, but he couldn't, so I told him to go back in. After a couple of minutes, my dad came out to talk to me, and I was yelling at him, literally yelling at him, about her. He understood, and then he just told me to go back in and enjoy church for what it is, not to worry about her.

So I did. I walked back in, still pissed off, but with my head held high. The pastor did his thing and then there was an altar call. I looked over, and I saw her sobbing. I wanted to console her, to tell her it was ok, but I couldn't. I was so mad. Her dad's fiancé was holding her tightly, and she knew of all that had happened, after all, she was like a second mother to me. My mom wanted to talk to me afterwards, so we talked. And it seemed that she was taking this young lady's side, making excuses for her, and I blew up, this time at my mother. So, in one day, I had yelled at both of my parents all out of frustration and hurt that I felt. I had never done that before, and granted, my parents didn't get mad, as they understood, but I felt it inside. I have always been respectful, especially of my parents, and that just wasn't me.

Later that day, I decided to call her to apologize for my inability to be there for her. She answered, and we talked. We discussed everything. She told me why she completely avoided me. She felt the same about me as I did about her, but was so afraid of it that she couldn't talk to me, wanting to forget me. I guess that wasn't ever going to happen. We forgave each other, and I told her that I wanted to see her again before I left at the end of December'�I never got that wish.

You know, it's weird. I never kissed this woman, I never even held her. Mere hugs every now and again. She and I fell in love with each other, and it was such a pure love that I don't think I will ever find such a thing again. What was sad though, was that she didn't actually tell me that she loved me, all she said was that she felt the same about me as I did about her'�I wouldn't hear those three little words for a long time.

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