I never really understood why a woman would stay with a man who beat her, constantly demoralized her, and, eventually, took away everything that she was. I never really understood the power of raw emotion and devotion; the insatiable need to be needed and loved until I felt it myself.

I had that emotion course through my veins and fill my heart with the constant desire to be around him. I felt the hunger of my soul screaming to be in his presence, needing to feed off the energy, the same emotion, that he gave off. And I felt the pure bliss of his love, true love, of his desire and his want and his need and his craving for me. I also felt the deep depression, the hopelessness, the inability to breathe, it seemed, without him by my side. I felt the crippling sensation of love being stripped destructively away from me; I felt like a fish out of water, my world quickly fading to black despite my every wish, my every command that I gave for it to stay vibrantly beautiful had is had before.

He had accepted me and love me even more than I accepted and loved myself. He made it a point to tell me so every chance he got. It didn't matter who was around. He made sure I was positive about his love if nothing else. But the glory days of love, too, fade away, and darkness takes over, leaving depression and anger and sadness and death. Because, while part of me grew, part of me died, and there would never be hope of me getting that back.

I couldn't shake the divine feeling of belonging to something greater than myself; of belonging to someone who needed me more than I needed myself. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was his savior, showing him what he had never known before... And I was addicted. Like a drug addict, I kept going back for more and more, day after day, week after week. Then the weeks turned to months turned to one year and I was beyond the point of any rehab therapy. I was beyond the point of help because I didn't think I needed it.

Even when it was obvious that it was over, I held on because I hadn't realized that I'd become, hadn't realized what he'd given me in return for a lifetime of love. He knows that I will always love him, always think of him, wonder how he is, if he's moved on, what he's done with his life. And he knows that I must thank him; thank him for giving me, ME. I must thank him for giving me who I am today, for helping become a person that I like, a person that I love. I must thank him for helping me realize that I don't need to depend on anyone else to love me but me. I must thank him for helping me to realize that I can be loved, that I am loved.

And I don't think I ever told him thank you for loving me.

So thank you, wherever you are, whatever you're doing. Thank you, because all the tears helped me to be stronger. I've been through withdrawal, but thank you, because all the lonely nights were worth it. Thank you because you showed me that life always has a plan. You may not know it right then, but you'll know when it's time. You'll finally understand and you'll be OK.

So thank you for all you've ever done for me.

And know that I'll always love my first love...

I couldn't shake the divine feeling of belonging to something greater than myself; of belonging to someone who needed me more than I needed myself. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was his savior, showing him what he had never known before... And I was addicted. Like a drug addict, I kept going back for more and more, day after day, week after week. Then the weeks turned to months turned to one year and I was beyond the point of any
rehab therapy. I was beyond the point of help because I didn't think I needed it.

Even when it was obvious that it was over, I held on because I hadn't realized that I'd become, hadn't realized what he'd given me in return for a lifetime of love. He knows that I will always love him, always think of him, wonder how he is, if he's moved on, what he's done with his life. And he knows that I must thank him; thank him for giving me, ME. I must thank him for giving me who I am today, for helping become a person that I like, a person that I love. I must thank him for helping me realize that I don't need to depend on anyone else to love me but me. I must thank him for helping me to realize that I can be loved, that I am loved.

And I don't think I ever told him thank you for loving me.

So thank you, wherever you are, whatever you're doing. Thank you, because all the tears helped me to be stronger. I've been through withdrawal, but thank you, because all the lonely nights were worth it. Thank you because you showed me that life always has a plan. You may not know it right then, but you'll know when it's time. You'll finally understand and you'll be OK.

So thank you for all you've ever done for me.
And know that I'll always love my first love...


There it is and I'm feeling pretty good about it.

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