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Full Moons
A smile rips my cheeks so hard
that the corners of my mouth begin to bleed love.
It drips onto your lips and unlocks your eyes,
so that your stare with lock to mine forever.
Just let me smile all over
and I'll glow with you in the dark
burning brighter than two full moons.
Let me dance in your pupils
and whisper how much I love you on your tongue.
I want to press my heart deep enough into your skin
that our valves become a single pump,
it's rhythm taking away everything but you.
All I need to become immortal is hold you,
I feel like some goddess
even though I've never been to Greece.
I'm so in love with you that I dreamt that you were Cupid
and you shot me with your own arrow
laced with residue from your soul.
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Comment by: PANDORA - 2006-06-11 15:02
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| I really liked this. You joined the word together like you joined you and your love together. I can feel, how you feel, like you just want to be closer, inside his body, fused as one. Very well writen!! |
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Comment by: Min - 2006-06-11 11:55
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'your stare .... lock'
The last stanza was superfluous (IMO) and I agree with normal jeane about how it should end strongly. Zap the lines 'I feel like some goddess',etc...it sounds a bit wet after reading the rest. |
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end on a strong line... like this one
All I need to become immortal is hold you
the love is all implied, sometimes less is truly more, as cliche as it sounds. you have talent, keep it up!! |
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Comment by: suleem - 2006-06-04 12:07
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| Good idea, maybe hit home a little more by saying A smile cut deep within the corners of my mouth, rips your cheeks etc. |
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Comment by: - 2006-05-30 23:10
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the next to last stanza does seems to fit with the rest - image wise yes, language wise no. could be reworked a bit. however, the poem is finished strongly... the last stanza being the best, in my opinion.
a few errors:
A smile rips my cheeks so hard
that the corner of my mouth begin to bleed love.
--you need something plural here... either "corners" or "begins"
so that your stare with lock to mine forever.
--and i'm guessing you meant to use will instead of with |
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