I woke up in a cold sweat. What had happened last night? I couldn't remember anything. The only thing I remembered was that voice, that cold, stony voice. What the hell had I done? I jumped up and ran into the living room. The picture on the far wall was smashed, and the vase in the kitchen had been knocked over. I looked around for any sign of Peter, but he was nowhere to be found. I tried the one place I thought he may have gone to hide; the bathroom. Sure enough, there he was, sitting in the tub with his head between his knees. 'My God,' I thought, 'what did I do? Why did all of this crap have to happen to me? Why me? Why me?' I broke up my train of thought. 'Why me? Why him? Why does he have to put up with all of this shit just because I have problems? Why do I have to put my problems on him? Why do I feel the need to destroy this child's life and innocence? Why can't I just be there for him and push all the other stuff aside?' He looked up at me, still whimpering.
'Peter?' I asked, testing the waters. He shrunk back into his hiding place, trying to escape the reality of the situation. He reminded me very much of myself.
'Peter, it's okay now. I didn't mean to do what I did. Your daddy has some problems he needs to deal with, and he let those problems get the best of him. He let those problems go on you, and it was the wrong thing to do. I'm all better now, though, and I promise what happened last night will never happen again.'
He looked up, hurt and confused. 'Daddy, you lied to me. You said you would be good. You promised me, but you lied. You lied to me, daddy'you lied.'
I felt the tears begin to come to my eyes, as well. 'I know, Pete, I know. Sometimes, we adults don't realize how much responsibility we have, and we take what we have for granted. I know you may not understand what happened last night, but all I can say is I am sorry, and it will never happen again. You deserve at least that promise from me, and it is a promise I will keep.'
'Do you mean it, daddy?'
'I mean it, son.'
'I love you, daddy.'
'I love you, too, son.'
The tears poured from both of our eyes, tears of sadness and tears of joy; tears of sorrow and tears of jubilation. I had found the answer to all of my questions. The answer had showed up one day and been right in front of me for that whole time, yet I brushed it aside and never managed to find it until now. What am I doing here? I am here to raise this child, to help him become the man he needs to be. Why am I here? Because no one else can do this job for me. Why the hell can't I find the answer? Because as adults, we are blind, deaf, and dumb, and we overlook the things in our lives which hold the most meaning and significance. Who am I? I am a mentor, a teacher, a recovering alcoholic, a support figure, and a new man. I am a caretaker, a lover, a friend, a helper, and a student. I am a father; I am a daddy.
That day Ruth called again.
'Where did you go last night?' she asked. 'I was looking for you forever.'
'I was busy making the biggest mistake of my life.'
'What, may I ask, was the biggest mistake of your life?'
'Putting people like you and my friends before the responsibilities I now have in my life. Peter is worth more to me than anything you or my friends could ever give to me, and I realized it a little too late.'
'So, I guess asking if we could go out again sometime would be a stupid question?'
'Yes, at this point, it would.'
'So I guess you're trying to say goodbye?'
'For now, yes.'
'Well then, goodbye, Mike. Good luck with Peter.'
'Goodbye, Ruth. Good luck finding your answers.'
I hung up the phone and with the push of a button closed this seemingly endless chapter of my life. I had found a purpose, a reason to become a leader and fulfill my responsibilities. I wasn't the only person at risk now. I had the well-being of another in my hands, and my feelings for this person helped me to become the man I needed to be. It may seem hard to recognize, but I wasn't the one who saved Peter. Peter was the one who saved me. Without him, I would have never become a man. I would have never become a father. I would have never become a daddy.
