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depleting the Winged
them the black spermfish
gorge, gorge.
them resembling
man's semen only
soon till lose
them tail
entirely to
grow legs like seeds
planted on the body
appropriately;
a disintegrating limb,
the tale of no nutrients
at waste this spring.
look now to them tongue
muscle throw and retreat,
having the winged deplete.
then be them
gut so obese,
have them eating
go cease --
away, away, to stomach
shall flies turn and be waste
are those of this
swamp's small breed
of simplicity and speed.
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Comment by: - 2006-06-12 11:41
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Shit, I read this a few weeks ago and had oppinions but super kasper the critiquer must have covered them. when the balls did you start rhymeing? smooth as a babys ass, though.
One thing that kind of rattles me is the first two lines. It begins it at an uncomfortable pace compared to the quick and easy flow that follows. It also kind of reveals a fair amount right up front.
Good to read you again. |
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you know, I retract the 'haste' suggestion, this way the flow is a small thrill.
and it's so CUTE when you rhyme! haha. (just because you've seldom done it.) this is rhyme at its best though |
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no format-fuckery this time, I hope.
your language is here obscenely local, and it's goddamn pleasing. it introduces a character without making him present; more skilfully than in, say, Stanley. verbs and adjectives are used not as grammar but as thought encourages; everything here is understandable in a single pass, despite being 'ill formed'. (the funny thing about studying linguistics is that it can teach you what not to use, but contrary to its own distinctions)
incidentally, that's how this poem should be read, in a single pass.
'spermfish' is good because it resembles both an 'acceptable' noun (spermwhale) and a 'rude' one (CUM LOL) without emphasising either, a lack of emphasis which owes its success in such a short/sudden opening line to the capital-lack and the colloquial 'them'. spermfish appears as a nickname for something that has a 'real' term, a name made up on the spot by someone who doesn't know better (the speaker, who does know better but doesn't know that). "gorge, gorge" is terrifying, and also comical; great enjambment.
still, the earliermentioned stream-of-thought is not at its simplest, which is a bit of a paradox and insinuates a worry; as though the mind acting as observer is intelligent, but somehow damaged. the reader will notice, soon or sooner, that what is being described are frogs; but the title refers to them, or appears to, as 'the Winged' (the mention of "flies" at the end is a further trick, and a very nice one); and the speaker seems unable to give these creatures a name, he doesn't recognise them and yet he seems to have knowledge of their nature (e.g. he knows the tadpoles resemble man's semen "only / soon till lose / them tail"), which makes the "spermfish" remark seem like a reference given in jest; and in fact, I see a kind of morbid fun in the way the speaker relays what he's seeing: "gorge, gorge", as though mimicking both the action and the sound (supposedly of swimming, another activity he can't recognise).
again in the second full stanza, the speaker describes the morphosis of the frogs, but instead of being direct or even using a metaphor from the animal world, he uses one from the world of plants; the legs are called "seeds" that are "planted" (and I think the referring back to the semen image/idea means to point out that the impression the speaker has of frogs is that they are basically fuckers and eaters, in that order).
the speaker is able, however, to place the creatures in an encompassing setting; but while this may appear like an example of a more 'rationally' aware observer, I think it's this contextualisation that may be what gives him his skewed (though not inaccurate) view: he sees life (seeds, frogs & all) as one big constant that doesn't change, but fluctuates; hence he's able to call it "spring" specifically.
speaking about the poem itself, some of these stanzas are the greatest I've read from you; especially the fourth- and third-last ones, their use of language and sound is something I have a feeling you have tried often before, and even though even the possibly 'fallen short' productions have been good, they may have fallen short nonetheless. the rhyming in those stanzas is so shockingly slapping and firm; they could be said to be aural foremost, that is in the experience of them, but they are also impeccable and irreplacable when read. I tried reading this aloud, and I actually found that I prefer to read it and imagine the sounds than to actually speak and hear them. it's all about the enjambment; you just can't convey that in speech, and it holds these word choices together.
as for weaknesses, there are few and they are generally either about rhyme or word choice. of the latter, there are gems like the use of "appropriately" but also little fractures like the repetition of "waste"--the first instance, I think, should be changed because it overshadows the idea of a lack of nutrients being the cause for the loss of the tail (and because "waste" alongside "spring" is a tad cop-out-like). the second "waste" is great and should stay, partly because the waste isn't directly connected to the already messy (but still composedly so) frog-imagery.
as for rhymes, there are also few unsuccessful ones, but their effect, I know you're aware, is more drastic on the poem at large since they control rhythm and thus tone. "limb/spring" feels unparallel, like two latches trying to hook but connecting failedly. I've seen that type of mini-failure of rhyme from you before, and I feel convinced that it has to do with the way you use the comma and the re-description of a just previously introduced element; as in that 'third' stanza: "a disintegrating limb" and "a tale" refer to the same thing and the comma in between does little to differentiate the images (because the latter, while excellent, is abstract) and even less to smoothe the rhythm.
but then, "retreat/deplete" is just scrumptious. this has to do with the already away-blowing word use but also with the placing of the rhyme; ABB instead of previous (and all-too-common)ABA.
"breed/speed" I have little or no problem with per se, but the fact that the couplet ends the poem without feeling final. this can be addressed, I think, very simply: by making the final word rhyme with "waste" rather than "breed". and, amazingly, the first word that comes to mind happens to be a synonym of 'speed': "haste". this isn't necessarily the best thing, and the way I read the enjambment (that is, the gap between the last two stanzas) may differ from the way you do. but it's one course to take.
ah buddy. |
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